Moving Forward

A Trip to Montana

                Arrangements were made, the car was packed we were going to Montana for a family vacation without one key element in our family, our husband and father.  But we needed this trip to prove to ourselves and the world that we would be just fine without him physically with us.  I was so nervous because I wasn’t the one that drove to our vacation destinations.  I never liked driving and also relished in my role as director of travel so to speak.  It was also great because I could pay attention to what was going on in the back seat with the children.  This time I was going to have to relinquish some control and let my older children help me out during packing, traveling, and unpacking the car.  I knew I couldn’t do this alone, but I also knew my older two were wanting to be a bigger part of helping me out.  They had taken on a role of being mom’s helpers and protectors in more ways than one.  Before we left for Montana, I texted several people to let them know we were leaving and that I would text at different points in the day.  We were looking at an eight-hour drive ahead of us and that was without stopping.  Of course, with several children in the car we would need to stop a few times for bathroom breaks and such.  My nephew and his family were excited to have us come see them.  I explained to them that I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle this trip on my own and may need to take an anxiety pill to calm down once we got to the hotel so if they wanted to see us that first night, they would have to come to the hotel to see us.  They understood and said just to let them know when we got there, and they would come over.  As we headed of the car was full of excited chatter among the boys and it warmed my heart that we were doing this because they needed to know that while our lives had changed by losing Bob, we could still continue on with other things.  Now I just needed to let myself enjoy the trip as well and accept my new role as both planner and driver for the future.  I wasn’t going to let Bob’s death take the joy away from my children’s lives just because I was too scared to move forward.  This in my mind was our first step in moving forward from Bob’s death.  I felt proud of myself for taking this first step and knew that the future would burn brightly for us all.

                When we arrived at the hotel, we let everyone know we were there and our family in Montana came to see us.  As we were sitting the hotel room, I asked our visitors if they would mind keeping an eye on the children as I still needed to retrieve a few things from the car.  Of course, they agreed so I went down to get the few items I needed.  On the way to the car, I was stopped by the night manager of the hotel.  He made a comment to me that he had heard I was a widow traveling with five young boys.  I affirmed that yes indeed I was a widow with five boys.  “That is so brave and admirable of you.  Where are you from?”  I told him where I was from, and he made some reference to the religious culture to which my reply was I wouldn’t be a good wife for that religion because I had to many opinions.  He chuckled and then asked if I had ever thought of moving to Montana because there were a lot of good guys in Montana.  It was my turn to chuckle, and I said “no” moving out of our area was not even remotely on my list of things to do at this time.  I was just trying to adjust to being alone I didn’t need a move like that.  “To bad the water park and the arcade are closed your boys would really have enjoyed it.  Maybe I could open the arcade just for your boy’s tomorrow.”  I smiled at him and replied that we had a lot of things we were planning on doing but if there was time that would be nice.  When I got back to the room, I told my nephew and his wife what had just transpired downstairs, and they both laughed at me and said, “aunty you have an admirer he was flirting with you.”  I brushed it off and told them he wasn’t flirting he was just being nice to which they laughed at me and told me I had been out of the game to long that I didn’t realize when someone was flirting with me.  Over the next few days, the night manager continued to flirt with me, and I continued to pretend that he didn’t mean anything by it.  Our last night there I spotted some jewelry, and my seven-year-old son was next to me telling me that I should buy something because I deserved to have something pretty.  I smiled at him and told him when they went to bed, I would come back down and look.  If I saw something that wasn’t more than twenty-five dollars, I would get it.  He smiled at that and said, “ok mommy I just want you to be happy.”  My little guy couldn’t understand the emotional impact of my heart at that time.  Later that night I made my way to the jewelry and found a pair of earrings that I really liked.  When I asked how much I was thrilled to find out that they were twenty-five dollars.  I happily bought the earrings and took them back to my room where I put them in my purse.  I wasn’t going to wear them that night and surely not on the long drive home but would relish the idea of wearing them when I got back.  I had no idea until I got home how much those earrings truly were worth.

                Our travel back home went as smoothly as our travels to Montana.  When I got back, I felt extremely proud of myself and my boys.  We all handled that trip like pros and the best part was that we all knew that even though we loved and missed our father and husband we would be able to move forward and learn to do new things without him again.  We would still be able to enjoy life and while we were making new memories, we could remember him.  After we were done with adventures we could go to the cemetery and tell him all about our adventures.  This way we could keep him with us always and still live.  After we were home and unpacked the car, I started to put away things we had acquired on our little trip.  Put dirty laundry in the laundry room and so on.  I reached into my purse to retrieve the earrings I had bought as I was going to place them in my jewelry box for future use.  Aside from my wedding ring they were the most expensive piece of jewelry I had ever owned.  When picked up the little box I had inadvertently turned it upside down and saw the actual price tag on the box.  The actual cost of those earrings were one hundred and twenty-five dollars not a mere twenty-five dollars.  Just at that time my niece and nephew called me asked how I was doing.  They knew this was an emotional journey for me and were truly concerned for me.  I told them I was doing well and that we all enjoyed ourselves immensely.  We talked about how much fun we all had and that we needed to do it again some day soon.  I told them it was definitely something that needed to be done because the boys and I needed that adventure so much.  It helped us heal in more ways than I could count.  Then I told them about the earrings I had bought and what the sticker price said.  “OOOOH Auntie you have a boyfriend here when are you coming back?”  I chuckled and said, “no time soon if that’s the case.”  Then my nephew got serious and said, “Auntie I think that is Uncle’s way of telling you that it’s time to move forward and find a new love to share your life with.”  I started to cry into the phone telling him I didn’t think I was ready to do that just yet.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to move forward I just wanted him back.  He gently assured me that while he didn’t fully understand he understood what I was feeling then he added “but Uncle Bobby wouldn’t want you to be alone and mourning him like this.  He would want you find someone to love and help you with those boys.”  I knew he was right.  He wouldn’t end the phone call until I made a promise to at least try dating sometime in the near future.  I promised him I would consider it because admittedly it would be nice to have some adult companionship every once in a while, so if nothing else I could at least go out with someone here and there.  I wasn’t looking to make a commitment just a friendship for now.

                As the days after our trip started to wind down to just memories, I found myself thinking about what my nephew had said and also how lonely I was for just some adult conversation.  My life before my husband’s death revolved around him and the kids and since his death it had revolved around the kids.  I didn’t do anything for myself and frankly felt it was selfish of me to even want to try.  I sat with my neighbor for a while and talked to her about it and about how I was feeling.  I wanted to see about dating and told her I wasn’t looking to replace my late husband just maybe get a friend or two.  She smiled at me and told me she thought that my late husband would want me to find someone to have at least a friendship with and he wouldn’t want me to be alone.  I went home and started to think about what ramifications me dating would be.  I had no idea of how to do this dating thing.  With five boys at home, I surely couldn’t do this the old-fashioned way.  Yes, there were a few single guys in my church but none of them held my interest.  So, I signed up on a couple of dating websites to see what would happen.  I must say that I didn’t paint myself in a great light.  I laid it all out on the line.  From being just recently widowed, to having five kids all barely teenager or younger.  To how I was only looking for friendship at this point in time. Someone to have dinner and drinks with occasionally and if it at some point turned into something more than that was fine as well.  I really didn’t expect anyone to want to go out with me because I had been told I had the best antivirus to a man wanting to date me.  I had five young kids.  But to my surprise I had a few that got in touch with me wanting to go out and see if we would mesh.  I bit my lip trying to figure out if I truly wanted to move forward in this direction or if I was intent on staying in the spot that I was in.  I knew in my heart that for my mental health and that of my kids I needed to move forward with my life.  I may or may not find another love but that was fine with me a few friends to go out with once in a while would be just fine.  I would embrace it as it came along and take relationships as far as I was comfortable.