Life of Nerdy

I was made out of mistake because of a lustful night, that’s what has been marked inside my mind. At the age of four, I heard Dad screamed that fact on top of his lungs to Mom’s face. But that was not a matter to me because I have him. Him… Life Sandoval, siya ang nag-iisa kong kaibigan na hindi ako iniwan kahit na minsan, siya ang naging kasama ko sa lahat ng oras. At an early age, I also learned that Dad only married Mom because of me, because he got her pregnant, and not because they love each other. I can still remember how she’s always telling me stories about them two. Like they are best of friends but everything has changed when a lustful night happened between them two. Everything’s crystal clear to me so I didn’t really have to act or play blind, I mean, I’m not the type of person who would force other people to love me or be with me, I know my worth and I am definitely more than that. Well, that’s what I thought. They keep on saying that there are no secrets can be hidden for too long, so I really don’t understand the people who are choosing to live the life that’s full of lies just because they are afraid of getting hurt. What’s the difference anyway? They’ll just prolong the agony. Mom had always made it clear to me about where we stand on Dad’s life. Kaya iyon siguro ang rason kung bakit nagtataka rin ako kung bakit sobra ang sakit ng pag-iyak ni Papa noong iwan kami ni Mama. For a fleeting moment, I had hopes that deep inside, he still cares for us, that he won’t let Mom go and that we could be a real family. Iyon lang naman ang gusto ko dati. Iyon lang ang pangarap ko. Yes, I was eight years old when my mother left us because as of her, she can’t take the pain anymore. She actually wanted to take me with her but Dad didn’t agree, and that left her no choice but to leave me, too. She just promised me that she’ll come back one day to get me. It hurts, but the pain didn’t last for too long because again, I have him. Him… Even though I didn’t get the attention from my family that I wanted the most and had always dreamed of, I never felt alone because Life was always with me. I have never imagined that I’ll fell in love with him by his simple actions. I didn’t mean to. Hindi ko alam kung saan, kailan at kung paano nangyari, basta bigla ko na lang naramdaman. I was always his first priority so I’m confident enough that he will always trust me, but who was I kidding? My life is already at worse and it suddenly turned into worst because of loving him. I kept on telling myself not to force other people to love me but I just ate my own words. In a blink of an eye, everything has changed. I started being obsessed by the thought that he has to love me back to the point that I even lost myself. I’m currently sitting on the Hospital’s rooftop. I stared at the whole city trying to remember all the pain of yesterday. I sat on the railings not minding how dangerous it was. I just want to get away from all this pain. I want to end all the agony. Tears fell down from my eyes as I realized how pathetic I am. When will I ever feel happy? When will I ever feel loved? When will I ever feel like I also have a worth? When will the universe consider that I am also part of this world and not just some random-s**t and a total waste? Life is so unfair, and the world will keep on rotating regardless of its cruelty. We have to know how to go with its flow because if not, we’ll definitely get lost and reality will slap us real hard. Isang malakas na sampal ng katotohanan na kahit gaano natin kagustong sa atin lang umikot ang mundo ng mga taong mahalaga sa atin ay imposibleng mangyari. Pero paano kung sobra na ang sakit at parang hindi mo na kayang magtiis pa? Paano kung unti-unti na nitong pinapa-mukha sa ‘yo na kahit minsan ay wala ka talagang karapatang sumaya? Pwede bang maglaho na lang bigla at iwanan ang lahat?