His Savior

Reliving the Past

~Nona~

I can hear the sweet sound of a baby giggling in the distance. I walk toward the sound, but something tells me I’m not moving fast enough. I start to jog and can hear the laugh getting closer. I can’t see anything in front of me; there’s nothing but darkness.

“Where are you?” The giggle gets louder, and I run faster. “I can’t see you. I’m coming.” I’m breathing heavily, and my legs are aching. I try to ignore all of that and push myself further.

I see a lump in the distance and push farther to get to it. The closer I get, the more defined it becomes. A little baby is lying there. They are giggling and waving their arms and legs. My baby is right in front of me, and I have to get to them. I breathe in deeply and push as far as I can. I keep running, but I don’t seem to be moving.

The baby turns and looks at me. There’s no more giggling coming from it. The baby’s face changes, and they start to cry. The baby wails and wails, and it breaks my heart. I’m trying to get there, but I can’t. I’m not moving, and I’m pushing myself so hard that I stumble forward, tripping over my own feet. I fall on my knees and reach out toward the baby. I blink, and the baby disappears.

I sit in the darkness, breathing heavily. I look around and around, but I see nothing. There’s no color; there’s no more sound. Where did the baby go? I can feel a pain in my chest, and I start taking deeper breaths; it’s becoming harder and harder to breathe.

I pop up in bed and take a few deep breaths. I swear this dream is always the same. I don’t know how long I will have to deal with this. At least now I’m not waking up screaming. I reach over for my phone and see that it’s 3:11 am. I put my phone back and flop back on the pillows. I know I won’t be getting any more sleep tonight.

I sigh and roll out of bed. I head to the dresser and pull some workout clothes out. This is what I do now. I try to sleep, end up having this nightmare, then I go work out for a few hours. I don’t have anything else in my life. We have mate.

No, Zora. I’m not doing this with you today. I can’t……I won’t. I put the block up like I do every day. This is where we are. Zora wants me to seek out our mate, and I refuse. We both went through the same thing, yet I seem to be the only one who remembers what that was. I seem to be the only one left traumatized after what happened to us. Our mate locked us up, and then he……he…..

I shake my head, willing the thoughts to go away. I fix my sports bra and workout leggings. I lace up my shoes and throw a headband on. I may not have changed my activities, but I have changed some things. I train religiously, and I’ve never trained before. After everything that happened, I didn’t want to be that vulnerable ever again. I chopped my hair off almost immediately. I’m a redhead and always kept it long. I wasn’t happy if my hair was shorter than my lower back. My former mate loved my long red hair, so I chopped it off. It’s now chin-length, and I just throw a headband on to keep it out of my face.

I go to therapy now. I’m in therapy three to four days a week. I don’t know if it’s helping me or not, but I’m still doing it faithfully. I’m getting a fresh start at the main campus of the Wild Band pack as soon as construction is complete. I was given permission to stay there with the Alphas and a few others.

I’m currently staying at the former Ash Band Pack; I just couldn’t stay where I was born and raised. There’s just way too much ugliness to deal with. My parents have been visiting me often, and I appreciate them for that. They are considering moving with me when everything is complete, but nothing has been decided.

I make my way through the field to the training area. This has become my sanctuary; I continue to work out my anger, frustration, and hurt. This time, I’m going to the gym. I’m going to lift some weights, and hopefully, that will tire me out.

I walk into the weight room and find it completely empty. I’m not surprised since it’s not even 4 am yet. There are many who rise early to train, but no one gets up this early. I get the settings correct on the treadmill and start on my warmup.

I’m in the middle of a light jog when I feel Zora start to get antsy in my head. She’s messing with my ability to concentrate on nothing, and it’s frustrating. Just as I’m about to say something to her, I realize why she’s getting worked up. The scent of firewood and eucalyptus hits my nose and wraps itself around me. I step to the sides of the treadmill and place my hands on the handles. My breathing is becoming more rapid, and my heartbeat is increasing. Zora is cooing in my head, and I’m dreading what’s about to happen. “Uh, I….. I’m sorry to….uh…..interrupt you.”

My mate, Lennox, is standing in the doorway of the gym. I haven’t seen him up close in about two months. The last time was during the breaking ground party. I asked him to sit with us when we ate, and he agreed. I have to say that a large part of me regretted my request immediately. Being around him and his scent was too much for me. I could only sit there for about 10 minutes before it was too overwhelming. Zora was livid when I walked, no….ran away from the table, but I couldn’t help it.

I turn the treadmill off and step off the equipment. I refuse to look in his direction. I hate this part of myself, this hesitation. I hate feeling this anger and hatred, but I don’t know how to fix it. “You’re fine.” My voice is low and soft. I want to disappear, fall through the floor, and be out of eyesight.

“I was looking for you. I….um…..Zahara is in labor, and I thought you might want to know.” I don’t respond while I gather my things. I keep my back to him and wait for him to leave. I don’t have to wait long and take a few before following him out. I know it hurts him, but I don’t know what else to do. Zora won’t let me reject him; he hasn’t tried to reject me. Maybe he will soon, and we can both move on.