Confessions of a Modern U’Makoti(BWWM)

Confession #1

Confession #1

I had been brainwashed.

I'm sure that sounds odd but what I'm about to tell you provides some reasoning as to why I'd do something so stupid. Why I'd stoop so low? Why I allowed myself to be...

The other woman.

And why I woke up in Lwazi's bed on the morning of his wedding. And let the slut shaming begin.

Since I could remember, I'd been programmed into believing that you had to marry young so you could pop out as many children as humanly possible. So, I'd made it my life's mission to find a respectable 'tall, dark and handsome' – before my biological clock ran out. And I was ripening each day and Lwazi said all the right things at all the right times.

So I believed him when he said he was leaving Thandiwe. And I believed him when he said he didn't want to embarrass her in front of her family. Hell, I'd even eaten up the B.S he'd been serving on a silver platter about how he was going to get a nice clean divorce six months after the wedding.

I was no Olivia Pope, I didn't have a white man crazy enough to leave his wife and his social standing for me. I had Lwazi, a pompous prick who cared only about two things; himself and his bank balance. And since he was the first person in his entire family to own a Mercedes Benz that wasn't stolen but rather a gift from his fiancé, there was no way the dreams he was selling would ever materialise.

So of course I went through the humiliating task of watching Lwazi get married to Thandiwe. No, I wasn't going to tell her a thing because right after that ceremony, I decided it was time to go home and get drunk. I didn't get wasted that depressing night.

No, instead I cried. I cried at my stupidity. I cried for Thandiwe. I cried for the lack of self-respect I had for myself. And soon I realised that the act of crying itself, was hard. I had a headache, my eyes were puffy and my nose was runny. It wasn't a very attractive picture now that I think about it. And as I analysed my worn down features in my bathroom mirror, I made a promise to myself that night.

"I; Nthatile Letsie, will never stoop that low ever again. Also, Thati, can we please just cool our ovaries for a second? We can't be dropping our panties at the drop of a hat for every Tom, d**k or Harry. Let's establish some ground rules okay?" It hadn't occurred to me that I was in fact talking to my reflection and I was replying at the same time. "First rule, don't give it up for a few sugar coated words and a pair of brown eyes okay? Number two, focus on yourself right now, if the Pussycat Doll's didn't need a man back in 2006, you don't need one now. Hashtag, you're Rihanna; independent. And number three, don't let Ma, get into your head again or else we'll have to do this again and no one wants that right? Right. Great, now let's go to bed and hibernate for the next few weeks. "I mentally gave myself a pat on the back while burying myself into the sheets.

And for the weeks to follow, I'd become a complete homebody. Each day after surviving peak hour Johannesburg traffic, I'd change into something braless (not in the sexy way, it was usually a faded shirt with some odd stain that hadn't been washed for the past four days) and binge watched any American show I could get my eyeballs on.

I'd just begun season three of Devious Maids when a force of nature interrupted my viewing pleasures. The force of nature; Dimpho, had a ridiculous electric blue wig – she loved gauging people's reaction of her hair. And living up to her name – gift – as her beauty was a gift society. Skinny, with light brown eyes and a fair complexion (She only wears SPF 50 +). With her flirtatious personality and free spirited attitude, Dimpho was any man's wet dream.

"Oh my G*d, Thati!" She gawked horrified by my appearance. I didn't entertain it, I didn't go to fashion school like she did, I couldn't know how to turn my messy appearance into high end street couture.

"You know, I love you but if I hear any judgement or condescension from you, I will gag you with your wig." I smiled sweetly only to receive a bored eye roll from Dimpho who entered my townhouse without as much as an invitation. She inspected each room with judgement and a grunt of disapproval.

"You can't be serious." She moaned while disturbing my view of the T.V screen. With her hands on her hips however her lanky frame did not completely block the screening, I continued watching my show. I wasn't very responsive. Finally Dimpho grew annoyed and switched off the screen.

"You're a c*nt!" I huffed as I threw popcorn at her wig. Damn her athletic ability, she managed to dodge a few and catch the rest.

"Listen, I get it. You're still hurt. But you have to take some responsibility about this situation. So, you were a bit of a slutty side? You did the right thing and took out the trash. Now, it's time to move on with your life because this," She scanned her surroundings as though she'd found herself in a rubbish dump, "is sad...and gross."

I sunk deeper into my couch. "It was 60 days! Do you realise how much time was wasted? Eight weeks Dimpz! All because my mother had been on my as$ about getting married! I mean, I'm at a stage in my life where half the people I know are married and the other half are pregnant and married! I'm an old maid past her prime. I mean, you have Nadia and that bloody cat of yours. And I'm single because I didn't want to depend on Mommy and Daddy and that left me with cobwebs between my legs!" She chuckled at that image. "Honestly speaking, Lwazi wasn't even that hot. But I was lonely and he... He had a way with words and made me feel sexy." I slammed my head into my cushions, screaming at my stupidity.

I felt Dimpho rub my shoulders reassuringly. "But that's the thing! You're constantly looking to feel sexy. Love isn't just feeling sexy Thati. It's... it's not being allowed to be treated like you're ordinary. And you just let him treat you like you were ordinary.

"But I am ordinary!" I whined, wanting very much to end this discussion.

"Dear dump b*tch. Yes, you were the other woman for a few weeks. Yes, you feel like s**t and you feel ordinary. And yes, you're single. But you'd be a high level moron if you let this situation dictate your entire life. I mean, I'm pretty damn sure that Lwazi's moved on and that cheating SOB is still at his man-whorish tendencies. Now for G*dsake's I've given you a month, you have to move on." Her lectures felt very much like my mother's, but I'd actually listened to hers unlike my mother's.

"Dimpz babes, I'd happily move on, if I trusted myself. I'm still in a toxic state of mind –"

"Toxic state of mind my as$! We're going out tonight, Nadia suggested we'd get you drunk and I second that idea. So get dressed. And tonight you're going to get under someone so you can get over someone." She ordered much like a drill sergeant.

Out of all the bars, pubs, clubs basically out of all the places in Joburg Nadia and Dimpho could get me drunk they chose some hipster-wanna-be bar in Braamfontien. I'll cut the bar some slack, it looked like it was under some heavy construction and redecorating, at least the name was cool; Koppi Tribe.

And sure there was a massive sheet of plastic separating the customers from the construction. And the place was crowded and hummed with the sounds of happy alcoholics. Nadia waved the moment her awaiting eyes landed on us. She suited Dimpho, with half her head shaven and the other half long purple tresses, multiple face piercings and a few tattoos, the couple radiated good vibes. It made me sick. Although I did love both Nadia and Dimpho, I couldn't deal with their constant love fest.

"Have you seen that as$hole's i********:?" Nadia snorted in disbelief shoving her iPhone into my hands. Trust me, I didn't want to see it, but I just couldn't resist. After scanning both the caption and the picture multiple times, I handed the phone back to her, fearful I'd fling it across the room.

"That's a bit awkward ey... Like, hours before that picture was taken and before she was his 'Beautiful wife.' We were screwing..." I took a moment to digest what I'd just said, "Oh my G*d, I'm such a cow."

"Moo," Nadia teased. "Listen, you need to stop this, we're going to get you drunk and –"

"Here you go ladies." A deep baritone voice interrupted her. Since I'd pledged to keep my distance from the opposite s*x I avoided looking at our waiter. I just liked his voice. A lot. And this man had brought me golden tequila, so he could have been a two headed beast and I would have still liked him.

"Thanks Aaron." Dimpho addressed the alcohol bearer.

Once Dimpho and Nadia revealed they'd be paying for my drinks it became a free for all. The burning sensation in my throat stayed on constant alert since I wasn't a lightweight. I'd become a bottomless barrel of tequila and vodka. I don't remember much except for laughing a hell of a lot and needing to pee.

I must admit the next morning when I woke up I felt like a ray of sunshine had slapped me in the face. Screw Dimpho, I'm staying in today. Well that's what I thought until I walked into my kitchen. There was a man there...

A white man.

What the actual f**k? A shirtless white man in my fridge. Wait, was he looking for food? I laughed inwardly, I don't keep food in the fridge. I haven't for the last month considering my situation. While the unnamed man searched my fridge for the unknown I couldn't help but take a good look at him. Board shoulders, a muscular back, tall, dark brown sort-of curly hair. I must admit I was proud, he was good looking from the back.

I cleared my throat, ceasing his actions all together. He stilled then turned on his heels facing me. Oh my G*d! I really want to lie to you and tell you his eyes were the first thing I noticed and the first thing that captivated me but this is supposed to be an honest confession and not some crap sappy romcom scene.

I was trying very hard not to drool. But he had a V-line and those hard muscular torsos that you could wash your clothes on. His left shoulder and bicep was covered in a tribal black tattoo. Somehow I'd managed to guide my eyes from his body towards his face. Poor thing must feel like a piece of meat. His brown hair fell just above his angular stubble covered jawline and his lips were pouty and blush pink. I liked his eyes too, blue-green. High five to us for bringing home an eight out of 10.

"Hi..." I waved awkwardly. I haven't spoken to a half dressed man in a while, it takes a bit of getting used to. In fact I've never spoken to a half-naked white guy before, but I was enjoying myself.

He smiled as he scratched the back of his neck. Flexing now? Okay... "Hi, I'm Aaron." He had a hint of laughter in his voice.

"So just one question... Did we screw or did your break in or like, is this some hangover fantasy?" I yawned, leaning against my marble counter tops.

He did that weird laugh before he spoke, like he was trying to compose himself. Good luck with that seeing as you're half naked. "Ah, neither. Dimpho and Nadia begged me take you home."

"But that doesn't explain why you're still in my house? Half naked? And looking for food like some homeless dude." I tilted my head to the side, giving him that scrutinizing look that usually made people squirm, only it made him laugh.

"That was funny. You're not this funny when you're drunk," He crossed his arms across his manicured chest. "You were drunk and this isn't the safest place in Joburg. I decided I'd spend the night. I've heard of a lot of people getting broken into while drunk." He ruffled his hair allowing a few strands to shield his right eye.

I slowly took a few steps towards him, attempting to pull of an unimpressed look. "I'm Nthati – Thati for short. " I outstretched my hand, awaiting a handshake. It took a minute but it finally clicked that he had to shake my hand. Not very bright are we? He smiled – he has nice teeth; straight and white – just like him. I hope.

"Anyway, I feel like I owe you something for not being a s****l predator. You know the whole; a woman gets r*ped every four seconds in South Africa. Yeah, thanks for not... Anyway, since you're hungry – by the looks of how you were violating my fridge, I'll take you out for some breakfast."

He shook his head, trying to object. But no one says no to me. I raised a finger in the air silencing any gibberish he was about to utter. "Yeah, it's not really up for discussion. If you want to shower or brush your teeth? In the guest room; assuming you found it, there's an extra toothbrush and some soap. We'll leave in about half an hour." I ordered as his mouth stayed in an amused smile. Without him uttering another word I left the kitchen.

I didn't pull out all the stops and take him somewhere fancy. My local bistro down the street would do us just fine. Of course we walked, to his surprise. But I did do him a common courtesy of wearing a clean pair of jeans and shirt.

Ryan's Bistro, thankfully wasn't full. With cute little metallic tables and antique chairs I enjoyed a bit of rustic charm to go along with my morning coffee. Sipho; my regular waiter, raised an eyebrow when he saw Aaron pull up a chair across from me. I didn't even need to look at the menu but Aaron seemed intent on studying the stupid thing like I'd soon quiz him on it. And only once I'd ordered he asked.

"What do you recommend?" He was still smiling. It was weird. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"You're serious?" He nodded his head with a solemn face. I chuckled as I rolled my eyes. "Sipho, get Aaron a cappuccino with foam and a breakfast BTL please."

Sipho didn't ask questions. That's why I liked him. But Aaron did. "What if I don't want a cappuccino?"

"Agh, you're so difficult. You woke up in a stranger's house. And you didn't know what you wanted, so I decided for you. And according to me, you wanted a cappuccino with a breakfast BTL." I huffed impatiently, making him chuckle. Honestly dude, I'm not that funny. "So do you always babysit your drunken customers?"

Before he could answer me, Sipho placed our food on the table. Ah, the smell of bacon and muffins early in the morning.

"Yeah, who needs to pay rent for an apartment when you can crash at a random drunks' house. You're the first who didn't kick me out after rummaging your fridge." He took a sip of his coffee, waiting for me to react. I chuckled yet again.

"Aren't you the comedian of the hour?" I yawned still riddled with sleep.

"Only when you're paying for my food. Breakfast and a show, it's the nice thing to do. " He shrugged as he leaned back into his chair, the corners of his lips seemed to be constantly tugged upwards.

"So you're a homeless bartender who lives off leftovers or is just too cheap to pay for his own breakfast? Your parents must be proud." I took a bite of my cappuccino muffin.

"Probably, now I doubt your parents would be proud of you after hearing you tried to give an innocent homeless bartender a strip tease." It was his turn for his eyebrow to rise, while my mouth stood agape.

"Oh my G*d, I did not." I laughed thinking about how uncoordinated I am when I'm drunk. All those short limps flying in every which direction. He laughed too.

"Don't worry, you fell before you could get your shirt off then passed out. But you were very entertaining." He reassured with a knowing smile. "So, since you know what I do. What do you do?"

"Like sexually-" I asked horrified he'd even think to ask such a question without buying me dinner first. He quickly apologized as he laughed.

"No, I meant work." He offered me a piece of bacon I'd been eyeing, I dutifully too the pork. Indulging in the salty meat.

"Oh, On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays' I'm a script writer for any M-Net sitcoms that will have my underpaid self and on Tuesdays and Thursdays and for the right price; Saturdays, I'm at the Joburg Civic Theatre as a theatre lighting and sound technician." I took another bite of my bacon, enjoying the greasiness.

"That seems like quite a C.V." He stole a piece of my muffin, in fact he cut his leftover BTL in half and did the same to my muffin then placed each respective quarter onto each plate.

"Thanks." I took a bite of the sandwich. "Funny enough I don't get paid enough for all that crap. Whoa, I probably shouldn't complain you're a bartender. You have to deal with drunks." I cringed for him, I couldn't even handle myself when drunk.

"I personally don't... I own the bar, usually I'm in the back counting stock or just sleeping."

"And here I was thinking you were poor... Damn." He laughed as my phone rang. It was Thando, she too worked at the Civic Theatre. I ignored the call but she starting SMSing me.

From: Thando.

Waar is jy? Dress rehearsal today! Don't be late.

P.s You're already late!

Oh sh*t.

"Oh f*ck." I mumbled under my breath.

"Something wrong?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah, I need to go to work. Emergency dress rehearsal." His face fell a bit. But he still remained composed. "Listen, you have a great life. It was nice meeting you but I have to run. Bye." I quickly placed a two hundred rand note on the table before dashing out the bistro.