BROKEN & SCREWED (BS #1)

Chapter 18

18

I didn’t tell Angie what Eric had said, but I did tell her that they had broken up and Marissa left. I expected a snarky comment from her, but she was silent. She only gave me a repressed smile instead. Justin, perfect timing as always, swooped in to literally sweep her off her feet. She shrieked as she threw her arms around his neck. They bounded away, toward the cab, but I heard her laughter a second later.

And then I followed behind. Since Marissa and Eric had both ditched for the rest of the weekend, I promised Angie that I would still go to the game. I knew Jesse wanted me to come as well, but when we got there, I wasn’t ready for the intensity that filled the stadium.

Purple and white were everywhere. There were so many banners for Jesse and Camden, that I couldn’t count them all. My favorite was the one that read “Jesse can Hunt me down any day!”

The stadium was packed, and hip-hop music blared from the speakers above, but when the team came out, the cheers were deafening. I cringed at the screams from the girls when Jesse ran in with Camden. Half were going crazy over Jesse while the other half seemed to cheer for Camden. The screams never died down, either, not even when they started playing.

The game was exhilarating to watch.

Jesse was in the zone, and I understood why he’d been dubbed the “Golden Boy.” When he got the ball, he made the shot almost every time. After he sunk his sixth three-pointer in a row, the crowd was on their feet in hysteria.

Angie nudged me and bent down. She had to yell in my ear, “Your boy’s gotten better.”

I nodded with a foolish smile on my face. I couldn’t wipe it off. I didn’t want to. I was proud of him. He’d been unstoppable at our school, but she was right. He’d doubled his training, and it paid off. That was when I realized why his father was making such a big deal out of him. Jesse was going places. It was no wonder his father wanted everyone to remember whose son he was. More than once, the camera had zoomed in on Malcolm Hunt in the first row, sitting beside my parents. I heard the commentary and knew they were discussing what it meant to have the prestigious movie producer in the building and what kind of career that might mean for Grant West’s Golden Boy. One of the commentators remarked they only hoped to hold on to the Golden Boy until the inevitable professionals would take him away. He hoped that wouldn’t happen until Jesse finished college, but it rarely happened for an athlete of his caliber to remain until getting a degree.

As I watched the rest of the game, it was bittersweet. I had the same hopes as everyone else in the stands. They loved Jesse, and they wanted him to stay with the team. I knew Ethan would’ve wanted the same. He would’ve pushed Jesse to finish college, so because of that, I knew there was a strong probability that Jesse would last until the end of his four years.

I enjoyed the game, or I did until halftime. After the dance team did their show, the lights went back to normal and everyone left for the restroom or concessions. It was then that I looked up to the video screen and saw Ethan staring back at me.

I froze.

His eyes seemed to penetrate me as he smiled. Then the picture was replaced with another of him and Jesse together. Their arms were thrown around each other’s shoulders. They wore the same basketball uniform and both looked so happy. Then a third picture came over the screen, this one was of Ethan and his prom date. He was tall and proud in a black tuxedo as she gave the camera a forced smile in her green dress. Then it was him at graduation. He wore his black robe, with his cap and gown in hand. He had flipped the camera off with his middle finger. A few people laughed at that image.

Another was of him and our parents, but more and more pictures showed him and Jesse together. As the slideshow continued, a haunting melody came across the speakers. Then the stadium quieted as so many were pulled into the slideshow.

Angie’s hand found mine and gripped tight.

I tasted something wet on my lips and realized there were tears on my cheeks. I’d been crying and I hadn’t known it.

The images never seemed to stop. There were so many. Ethan, Ethan and Jesse, Ethan and their other friends, more of Ethan and our parents, Ethan and his girlfriend. I gasped when there was one with me. I couldn’t believe my parents had considered that image, but it felt right to see it. More tears burst forth from me. The picture was my last morning with him. It was my birthday, his graduation day, and he had smeared my birthday cake all over me. I was trying to pull away from him as his hand reached past my arms with more cake.

A whimper left me and I looked down. I couldn’t see anymore, but a force that wasn’t mine led my eyes back. I couldn’t look away now. Image after image. All of them were of Ethan and the life he had led. He looked happy in every photograph. He looked content.

Oh God. Why did he die? Why was it him?

Torment and agony sliced through me, back and forth, back and forth. It was as if someone took a butcher knife to me. Each picture, each memory, was another stab deep to my gut. I wanted to bowl over. I wanted to cry until I had nothing left in me. It was too much pain. I couldn’t handle any more.

Then Angie gasped, her hand squeezed mine in a knee jerk reaction.

The camera was on me. Blood drained from my face when I saw the tear-drenched cheeks, the swollen look of misery, and haunted eyes. But then I was switched to an off camera, a screen to the side stayed on me, and the slideshow continued of Ethan.

I saw the words scroll over the screen.

In memory of Ethan James Connors, the brother that will never be forgotten. November 24, 1993 to June 2, 2012.

I couldn’t stop myself. I shrunk in my seat and pulled my knees to my chest. I buried my head in them as I kept wiping the tears away. But I still couldn’t look away. Then I saw that the same camera that had found me in the stands was on my parents across the court. My mom was crying and my dad had his arm around her. Malcolm was next to them. His arm was stretched across as my mom held on to his hand. The only one who was unaffected was Sabrina, who yawned and fanned herself with the program.

I surrendered after that. I didn’t even try to stop the tears. As they slid down, I let them go. When the game resumed, there was no announcement of what had happened. I figured the commentators had probably talked about Ethan, who he was in relation to Jesse Hunt, and they probably even realized that I was his sister, but everything else went back to normal. The buzzer sounded and people started to watch the game, but I felt their eyes. People below us snuck back glances. I knew those behind were watching me, and the few in my aisle wouldn’t look away. Even when Jesse sank the last shot in and the buzzer sounded, everyone jumped to their feet, but the weight of their gazes wouldn’t leave.

As we left the stadium, I was recognized and stared at until we were finally outside and in the confines of a taxi.

And then a different set of tears came out.

Something had happened in that stadium. It was something beautiful that I couldn’t comprehend. I had left Ethan inside. I had left a part of me behind, and as we pulled away, I knew I would miss that. I would miss him, but a weird peace came over me. I didn’t welcome it, not altogether, but I knew it was there. I knew it was time.

“You okay, girl?” Angie asked in a soft voice. Her hand hadn’t left mine the entire time.

I nodded. I missed Ethan, but I nodded to her. I would be okay. I knew it then, and I knew Jesse and I were done. It was time to walk away. I’d been ready before the game, and that feeling was still with me. It hadn’t left.

It was time, but I still had my one night.

We went back to Haze. Angie wore a white dress while I wore a light blue one. The fabric was thin and loose. The ends tied around my neck and also under my arms around my back. It had been between this one and another, but Angie had picked the backless dress. She told me it was Jesse-to-die-for and even gave me a wink at the end of that statement. I knew she didn’t approve, but at least I didn’t feel her disappointment at the mention of his name.

When we got there, I hadn’t heard from him, but it didn’t matter. We got our drinks and headed to the dance floor. We stayed there the whole night; we moved and swayed when the tempo slowed and sped up. The beat was hypnotic. I was in a trance when a pair of hands slid around my waist. I didn’t have to look. I knew those hands. I leaned back against Jesse’s chest. His arms pulled me backward and his hips moved with mine. His hands held me in place.

My hair was moved to the side as his lips settled in place. They nibbled on my neck and slowly began to move upwards. Heat flared within me. As his hand went around my waist and slid down, I gasped. I arched my back against him. My neck was exposed to him even more. He grasped the back of my neck and tilted me farther out. My breasts ached for his touch. I knew he could see them through the dress. He could see them from the top as he had it pulled away from my body. His hand slid underneath and caressed the side of my stomach.

I melted under his touch.

When I tried to turn toward him, Jesse held me in place. His arms tightened around me. We were molded together; every inch of us was cemented to each other.

I didn’t want it any other way.

His lips kept nibbling on my neck. His tongue swept out and licked at my thrumming pulse. That sent a rush of heat between my legs, and I pressed against his hand. I wanted it down there. I wanted it to stop the throbbing and fulfill it, but his fingers curled around mine. I felt him grin against my skin and held my breath. What was he going to do? But then he led both of our hands down my side. He slipped them in through an opening in my dress. It flared by my hip and our hands touched the top of my V-string. It was such a tiny piece of cloth, covering almost nothing. Still, he traced his fingers back and forth across the material, making me throb for him. I salivated for his touch. And I felt a deep chuckle reverberate from his chest as he was pressed against me, but then his hand left the back of my head and circled around. It slipped underneath my dress as well and skimmed the top of my breasts.

I shuddered under his touch.

But then he switched positions swiftly. I was thrown around and slammed back into him. He was molded against my front now. My breasts were pressed against his chest. I felt him through his pants and he held my hips in place as he ground against me.

I gasped. All thought left me as I only felt him. I only wanted him.

One of his arms held me up behind my back, but I tipped back. My head fell back and my neck was exposed to him. I rubbed my breasts against him, delighting in the shiver that wracked through him. I couldn’t get enough of him.

He held me paralyzed as he bent forward. His lips moved down from my neck and lingered between my breasts. His hand had a cement hold on my hip as we moved together in rhythm to the music, but also to our own rhythm. He kept kissing me, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel his lips on my breast. He would catch the tip between his teeth and he would sweep his tongue around it. I wanted him to do that now, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t go farther. I opened my eyes through a haze of lust. I wanted him now.

He lifted his head, saw the plea in my eyes, and grinned. His hand skimmed up my back. He lifted me back to him so we were pressed against each other once again. I purred in satisfaction. We were so close, only a few barriers kept us apart. My hand slid down and fumbled for his jeans. I wanted it open. I wanted to feel him against me, skin to skin, but he caught my hand and lifted it up.

I mewled in protest.

“Not here, Alex,” he whispered against my lips. “Soon.”

It didn’t make sense. Why not? I wanted him, but then I hoisted myself up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and looked down. My breasts were eye-level to him, but he watched me. The same lust had taken over him. I watched as he tried to fight it, but I was blind to anything else. I wanted him to be blind to it, too.

Then I was ripped from his arms.

Angie cursed and panted as she pulled me away. “Holy hell. You two can’t even be around each other in public. I swear you were ready to rip off his pants and sink down on him right then and there on the dance floor. Weren’t you?”

I struggled to understand her words. None of them made sense, but I needed Jesse. So I headed back to him.

“Oh, no.” Angie threw me into a room and slapped a hand on the door. The lights were flipped on.

I hissed against the sudden bright light of the bathroom. It was painful and seeped through the trance I’d been under. “What?” I gasped out, still reeling.

“Finally.” She cursed again and crossed her arms. Angie propped herself against the door, on top of the garbage bin, her feet thrown up on the nearest sink. She was immovable and stuck her chin out at me. “You’re going to cool off for a while.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I . . .” Fully formed thoughts were a struggle for me. So much was beyond my understanding then. “I—what’s going on?”

“Are you drugged?” She raised an eyebrow. “That would make sense, but he was barely holding it in, too. Holy, Alex, the two of you are hot. I almost lost it. I wanted to drag Justin to this room and have my way with him, but I can’t leave you alone for a second. Were you really going to screw him on the dance floor? I mean, really?”

“Ugh.” A searing pain was starting in my head.

“Don’t call me that.”

“What?”

“You said I was a pain in your ass. You’re going to be thanking me later. People would’ve had that on video. Can you imagine that? Going to school on Monday, and there’s video of you and Jesse Hunt boning on a dance floor? I’m surprised they didn’t call security on you two. Everyone was watching. Well, hmmm, maybe that was why. Free entertainment and all.”

“Angie,” I seethed through gritted teeth. It was painful as reality sunk back in.

“Hmmm?”

“Please shut up.”

“Oh. Sure.” She shrugged but gave me a f**k-off smile as she switched her legs. When she was more comfortable, she sank back against the door and wiggled her eyebrows. “But, man, that was hot.”

“Oh God,” I groaned. His hand was under my dress . . . both of our hands were under my dress. I wanted him to touch my breast. Then I was on top of him. I groaned again.

“Yep. Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Stop.” I moaned, cradling my head with my hands. Shame coursed through me, filled with regret. I didn’t regret Jesse or wanting Jesse, but the place. I wholeheartedly regretted the place. Oh my God. We were in a nightclub. We were in public.

“Now will you thank me?”

“Thank you.” I glared at her as I did. “Cut me a break. It hasn’t been an easy night, you know.”

The snarky tilt to her mouth dropped and her eyes widened as she shot off the garbage bin. “I’m sorry, Alex. I am. I sort of forgot about the game and . . .”

And Ethan.

“And everything,” she finished.

I jerked my head in a nod, but turned for the sink and splashed some water on my face.

“Don’t smudge your makeup.”

I looked up. Too late. The mascara was smudged, my concealer was in clumps, and my lipstick had long ago been rubbed off. I was a mess.

“What am I going to do?” I heaved a deep sigh. What the hell was going on with me? I’d been a crying fool in front of thousands and almost had s*x in public. Thousands could’ve seen that, too.

Angie gave me a sympathetic smile and stood in front of me. She flipped the water on and dabbed a paper towel under the faucet. Then her gentle hands took my face as she started to wipe away the rest of my smudged makeup. While she did, she asked, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” I was already at the mercy of her hands.

She hesitated a second but asked, “Why did you sleep with him?”

“What?” I stiffened and opened an eye, but she started dabbing my eyelashes. Then I took another deep breath. I felt the confession building inside me.

“I thought you were going to wait, you know, for a steady boyfriend? And you wanted to make sure he loved you back. Why’d you break that vow to sleep with Jesse?” She chuckled to herself. “I mean, I get it. I do. You two have some damn amazing chemistry, but still, that’s what you preached before . . .”

I felt her hesitation again. It stung.

“Before Ethan died,” she finished as she started scrubbing the other side of my face.

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Alex. You do too know.”

“No, I don’t. The night we did it, the first night was hard. Ethan had just died and it was his funeral that night.”

“I always wondered where you went that night, but I never asked.” Angie sounded far away. Her voice was so soft. “That was the beginning when you never seemed with us, you know.”

“I know.” And I did, because a part of me had died with Ethan. I had ceased feeling grounded, except with Jesse. He grounded me, he anchored me. “So that was the first night, and honestly, it wasn’t something I planned. He was hurting. I was hurting. We stayed the night together and everything went away, just for the night. The next morning was a whole other thing to deal with, though.”

“So you lost your virginity to him?”

“I did.” And I didn’t regret it. I loved Jesse. He might not love me, but I loved him and I needed to be with him. Even though it wasn’t permanent and had lasted longer than I had thought it would, I would never regret giving myself to him.

“Are you happy that you did that? I mean, he’s not boyfriend material, Alex, but you’re still with him. The two of you have some weird relationship together. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s not.” But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

“What about someone like Eric?”

I held my breath. My heart picked up its pace as I waited for her to continue.

She lifted my face and started to wipe underneath my jaw. She cleaned it all up. “You know he’d date you. He’s a good guy. He’d treat you right, be patient with you. He would go the extra mile for you and I think you know that. Jesse wouldn’t do that for you.”

But he already had, in some ways.

I sighed and looked down. What was I doing? Why was I such a mess inside?

She moved away and washed her hands under the faucet. I looked up, and the somberness in her eyes nearly brought me to tears. Oh God. What was I doing to make a friend like Angie worry so much for me?

I whispered, “What do you want me to do?”

“Stop it.”

A tear slipped out. Then I nodded.

She added, firmer, “Stop it right now.”

“One more night,” I gasped out. I needed one more night.

“No.” She stood in front of me and grasped my arms. The severity in her took my breath away. It meant so much to her. “No more ‘one more nights’. You’ll keep wanting that. You’ll keep saying that. Stop it right now. We’ll fly home tonight. We’ll leave tonight. Just stop it with him. I just got you back. The old you is coming back. I can see it and I do not want him to take it away. He can’t take you away again. I won’t let him.”

I closed my eyes as I heard her words. Pain whirled around in me. I felt ripped open from the inside out. My heart was wrenched out and squeezed so it would stop beating. But she was right and I knew it. I had already started down that path. I told myself to walk away, but I wanted one more night. I needed it so much, but she was right.

It had to end.

I nodded. The relief that came from her almost brought me to my knees. Angie swept me into a tight hug and kissed my forehead. She continued to hold me against her and brushed my hair away from my forehead. It was a motherly gesture, a realization that had new tears come to me, but I held them back.

When we walked outside, Jesse and Justin were waiting in the darkened hallway. A fierce emotion was in his depths, but he wouldn’t let me see it. As I stepped closer, he turned away. I sighed, and my hand fell back to my side.

He had heard. I didn’t know how, but he had.

“We’re going home,” Angie murmured to Justin in a hushed voice. He pulled her in for a hug and pressed a kiss to her forehead, the same way she had to me.

“Jesse.” My voice cracked.

He shook his head but then whirled back around. His lips were on mine and he kissed me like he was drowning. I raked my hands through his hair and surged to meet him. When he would normally pull away, he didn’t. He kept kissing me. His lips were trying to cement his memory on me. I let them. I needed to remember, because I loved him. I didn’t know if I would love another like I did Jesse. But then he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine.

I clung to his shoulders, weak and helpless. Everything hurt. It was painful to breathe.

He brushed a hand against my cheek and tucked some hair behind my ear before he whispered, “It’s Ethan’s birthday, but I understand.”

He pulled away. He pressed one last kiss to my forehead and then turned and went back into the club.

A part of me went with him.