Starting Over

lost

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.....

I sat and tried to listen to the conversation while everyone enjoyed their dinner. But his voice and his eyes were the only thing I could think of. I'm actually having my first crush. Wow, I had thought that I wasn't normal. The few friends I had always talked about, this boy or that boy. How this boy was better looking than that one, or how he was so charming and funny. I had just never seen the appeal. But now I can't get a man out of my thoughts. It just made me more depressed knowing he would never see me as a woman. "Little Jaq," him saying those 2 words defined me in his mind as untouchable.

Even Clair has had a few boyfriends. She's always talking about how attractive this guy or that guy is. Mom and I have spoken about this issue multiple times. She said, "You will know what is right for you when the time is right." What is right for me? Because he is like 10 years older than me, and I'm still just 17.

Between my parents and my brothers, they have always been overprotective of me being the only girl. But they have also encouraged me to be more adventurous. Granted, not too adventurous.

I wonder if they will allow me to go to the front with them to cook. I will need an occupation eventually, and I would really like to be a part of something. Hell boys my age are fighting and dying in this war. I can contribute too, can't I? I excuse myself and head to my room, Clair follows behind me.

"What is going on in that mind of your?" she asks me I just shake my head. "Come on, talk to me. I know something is bothering you."

"I want to go to the front lines with them." I whisper

"Are you out of your f*****g MIND!" She screams at me

"Everything alright in there?" Brian Jr. asks at the door

"We're fine," I say, but Clair says, "No, it's not ok." He comes in and closes the door

"What's going on?" I can't look him in the eye.

"You need to talk some sense into her, Brian. She f*****g wants to go to the war zone with you guys." She's got tears flowing down her cheeks

"What!, the hell you do." Brian is staring at me like im a lunatic

"Just hear me out, ok?" I say pleading for them to understand. "You guys are going to need a cook, and I would be in camp not actually fighting. I can cook large quantities of food at a time. I also have been studying herbal remedies with mom. I can patch up injuries. I know I don't have any real education, but I do have the skills. I could be helpful." I blurt out, not wanting them to read more into it. I really just want to get closer to him. Be around him.

"I don't honestly know what to say, except have you lost your mind. People are dying out there. It's an ugly and terrible situation. Hell Jaq, I don't even want to go," Brian says."There is no way mom and dad would allow this. Mom is barely holding on with us leaving, let alone if you go along."

"I know, but I can contribute. I can be useful!" I say while Brian and Clair are pacing my room, thinking how to get my mind off of this path.

"You just turned 17. Mom is going to need you here to help with the farm. Dad has trained you to take on all the manual responsibilities. Mom can do a lot, but you know how to handle the animals. You know when to get the crops in. Just wait a bit. We aren't even sure how long this war will last. Mom is going to need you here, baby girl." Brian has a lot of good points."I need to know you and mom are safe." This last statement said with so much love that it had me rethinking my path.

"I just feel unsettled." He comes over and hugs me

"Please don't bring this up with mom and dad. They don't need any more stress right now." He pleads with me.

"OK, I'll wait. I'll stay and do what I can here." I tell them, but I feel like I'm losing something. I just feel lost.