Colors Of The Night

Atheya “Gorge please pag-usapan natin to. Why we become like this? We had gone so far already, we can fix this”; pagsusumamo ko sa kanya as he keeps packing his clothes. Small misunderstanding lang ang naganap kaninang umaga when i ask him why he comes home late. Its normal for a wife to question his husband na di nakauwi sa gabi, no messages or calls. “Atheya we can’t, we had been moving circles already. We have this problem for over a year now, i need a break from your nagging and questioning my movement.” “George its normal for me to ask your whereabouts as i am your wife”; mababa kong saad sa kanya. Ayaw kong sigawan na naman niya ako. “Yeah a wife but has no child, what’s the use ng pagiging asawa mo kung di mo man lang maibigay yun?” Insulto niyang saad at nasasaktan ako sa binitawan niyang salita. "Anak lang ba ang mahalaga sayo? Akala ko ba nagsumpaan tayo na sa hirap at ginhawa magsasama tayo? When you married me, ako lang yun walang anak at we promise magkasama natin haharapin ang anumang problema but what happen now?" “It gets boring when we don’t have a child. Matagal na tayong nagsasama and still until now wala parin. I get tired of waiting.” “George baka di pa ibinigay sa atin kasi we need time. Kung ngayon nga, we fight how much more kung magkakaanak na tayo?”I tried to let him understand na we need time for it. Di namin hawak ang sitwasyon. “Well I’ll be home with a child na mag-aaliw sa akin and not with a nagging wife.” Sabi niya na may diin in sarcastic way. “Gorge di naman kita inaaway ah, pinabayaan kita sa lahat ng gusto mo. Masama ba malaman kung nasaan ka para lang naman ma-at ease akong matulog na alam kong you are safe? Will you not do the same if ako ang di nakauwi sa gabi?”Di siya sumagot, he close his luggage and ready to go. “Well i need a break from all this drama, dun muna ako sa parents ko.” I was left there na di makakilos, walang magawa. He didn’t give a choice but just to accept his decision. Ganun nalang ba kadali sa kanya ang lahat? We had been together for 8 years in total, 5 as a married couple and 3 years in relationship bago nagpakasal. Then ito lang ang naging kahihitnan sa amin? Di ko mapigilang mapaiyak. I cried all night, questioning myself if what i have done wrong or ano ang pagkukulang ko? “Hoy Atheya, what’s wrong umagang umaga nakatulala ka diyan, asawa mo naman ano?” Tumango ako. "Umalis siya kagabi Leslie, sa kanyang parents muna daw siya mag stay. He wants to break up with me, palagi na niya itong mini-mention sa akin lately pero nagmatigas ako." "Wala ba akong karapatan ang ipaglaban ang anuman meron kami ? Kasal kami, we are not just a boyfriend girlfriend living together?" Ani ko kay Leslie sa mahinang boses na nakatingin lang ng mariin sa akin. “Atheya, di kaya may ibang babae iyang asawa mo? Walang matinong lalaki na basta nalang manghihingi ng hiwalayan kung walang reserba? Kung walang nagtrigger kung bakit gusto niyang makipaghiwalay?” “If his reason is di pa kayo magkaanak, di mo siya mabigyan ng anak that absurd reason, that’s too low, sana di nalang siya nagpakasal kung yun lang pala ang gusto niya sayo. Please be open minded to any possibility.” Sumagi na din yan sa isip ko pero ayaw ko lang i-entertain kasi nasasaktan na ako kung isipin ko pa lang. "Saan ako nagkulang Les? Sinuportahan ko naman siya sa mga plano niya. Inaalagaan pero bakit bigla nalang siya nagbago?” “Girl di ka nagkulang, yung asawa mo lang talaga ang di matino, for sure may ibang kinalulukuhan yan. Don’t waste your time and emotion for such a man like him. He doesn’t deserve you, you are such a kind hearted and selfless woman, you deserve so much more.” Wika niya sa akin sabay hug, giving me comfort. “Atheya, you have this problem already for a long while now, give him what he wants and move on. Bata ka pa, marami pang naghihintay sayo na mga opportunity.” She says while patting my shoulder. “Ang hirap Leslie. Mahal ko siya.” Ang isipin pa lang na magkakalayo na kami nag tuluyan nasasaktan na ako. “Mahirap nga pero paano kung wala na siyang pagmamahal sayo? Ikukulong mo lang ba ang sarili sa walang kwentang relasyon na di ka nirespito? A guy, who loves you, would always care for you, di ka sasaktan ma emotion man or physical, minsan nga nasasaktan ka na niya ng physical. Tama na, give yourself a break.” “I don’t know Les, kakapit parin ako kasi baka pagsubok lang to sa relasyon namin. Napapalingo na lang siya sa sagot ko. I know she is tired already of giving me advises. “Ikaw bahala pero mas masasaktan ka lang, di na time ngayon na magiging martyr. Wake up at kung andiyan ka pa sa ganyang phase na kahit sinasaktan kana, lulunukin mo parin, might as well observe him, maging mapagmatyag ka. Sundan mo siya para malaman mo na niluluko ka na. I am 100 percent sure na may babae yan para di ka magmukhang tanga naman, holding on to the relationship that is not worth fighting for. Leslie has been my best friend since college, ever since di niya gusto si George, vocal siya sa pagkadisgusto sa lalaki pero since nag-asawa na kami, demistansya siya. She kept her opinion to herself and just supported me. And since siya lang kaibigan ko na close, i confide my problems to her and as usual she is against Gorge, she has a lot of words to say. George wants to file an annulment for our marriage, he said it’s not working anymore. We had this problem for a year now. He rarely goes home and if he is palagi lang kami nag-aaway, coz i am asking for explanation why he wasn’t home and he hate explaining himself. That makes me a nagging wife for him. Gusto niyang permahan ko ang annulment na gusto niyang i-file and we will go to the process but i am against on it. Wala na ba akong karapatan na ipaglaban ang kung anong meron kami? Nagmatigas ako sa gusto niya kasi i am not yet ready. Nagsimula siyang magbago last year. When he was assign in the province because of a big project na ginawa niya he is a license civil engineer. 3 years na kaming nagpaplanong magkaanak, pero until now wala parin. Sabi ng Doctor ko i can bear a child, low lang ang egg cell count ko but its treatable. I just need to take meds for it and stay away from stress but how can i stay away from stress kung ito palagi ang maranasan ko sa kanya? George and i meet in college, he is a heartthrob in our campus. Everyone is having a crush on him. He is a varsity player kaya sikat siya masyado. When he courted me, i feel so lucky because someone like him ako ang pinili. Nang sinagot ko siya ako ang pinakamasayang babae, he is very sweet boyfriend. He is my first boyfriend, my first in everything. When we graduated college at nakapagtrabaho na, he propose to me and promise na we will stay in love and happily married. Few years after our wedding was all blessed, palaging magkasama, bihira lang mag-aaway. Akala ko di magbabago yun until last year. Minsan he goes home late, sabi niya busy lang daw, maraming trabaho. Minsan may out of town trip siya kahit linggo, may new project daw siyang tinitingnan or client meeting. All those di ko siya pinaki-alaman, i never question him, i trusted him so much. "George it's Sunday bakit kailangan mo pa ring umalis, this is supposed to be our time together"; reklamong kong saad sa kanya when he is packing his clothes. “Pwede ba Atheya, my work is different than yours, it requires a lot of attention. Kami ang naghahabol sa client and we will meet them up in their convenient time”; saad niya sa akin minsan. And as usual wala akong nagagawa kundi ang intindihin siya. "Gusto ko lang naman magsimba tayo, manuod ng sine or magmalling tulad ng dati. I miss our bonding time." "Well our life now is different than before, we had so many responsibility than just shopping and manuod ng sine." In that moment wala akong nagawa kundi ang tingnan siya papalayo. He is change now, he slowly becomes the person i didn't know. And all that pikit mata kong tinanggap ang pagbabagong yun, believing that it will pass, just a normal couple having a hardship and trials that comes around and goes. Little did i know that situation keeps on happening and i lost count kung ilang beses na akong nasaktan at umiyak ng palihim.