Our Stupid Feelings

Chapter 10: The Fight

-Jax-

The dinner had been surprisingly pleasant so far. It felt like my plan was already unfolding smoothly. But then, inevitably, the specter of our past argument loomed over us. It was etched vividly in my memory, as though it had just happened yesterday.

All I wanted was to mend things. Even if Kat had made it clear she didn't want more, I was determined to fix everything. Yet, when I walked into the bedroom without a second thought, I was met with a sight that ignited a rage I didn't know I was capable of. There she was, perched on another guy's lap. Kat glanced over her shoulder, her eyes lacking the same intensity as when we were intimate, but I was blind to any guilt or explanation. All I saw was red.

She scrambled to cover herself, attempting to explain, but her words fell on deaf ears. Luke, the other man, tried to interject, but I cut him off. Before he could utter a single word, my fists were raining down on him.

I wasn't myself... This volatile side of me, I'd always known it was there. I inherited my father's temper, fueled by the countless times he had lashed out at my mother. It was a defense mechanism, a means of protecting us.

Seeing Kat with someone else ignited something primal within me. In my mind, she belonged with me and no one else. Despite the fact that we hadn't committed to each other, the thought of her with someone else was unbearable.

"Jax!" her voice pierced through the haze of my fury.

But still, I remained oblivious.

"Get off him!" she demanded, her voice laced with desperation.

It wasn't until she physically intervened, grabbing hold of me, that I snapped out of it. I turned to her, and she recoiled, tears glistening in her eyes. The expression on her face was foreign to me, and it only stoked the flames of my anger further. I had put it there, and that realization fueled my frustration even more.

"What the hell?" she cried out.

"I should be asking you the same thing!" I retorted before shoving her aside and storming away.

But she wasn't finished, and neither was I. As I heard her footsteps approaching, I turned to face her, witnessing a flicker of fear in her eyes, as if she anticipated that I would treat her the same way. It stung deeply because I had grappled with the same fear of my own actions, much like I had feared my father's.

"Who are you?" she challenged.

"Who am I? You're the one who says one thing and then does the opposite!" I shot back.

"I told you I didn't want more!"

"You also said you've never met anyone like me," I yelled, my voice raw with emotion. "Remember that?"

"And I was right!" she retorted sharply. "You're insane!"

"I'm insane?" I echoed incredulously. "You're the one incapable of loving anything in your life! You're cold and a hypocrite!"

"Me?" she gasped.

I nodded firmly. "Yes, you! You're unbelievable, Kat!"

"You're the one who just beat up some guy! Don't come here and lecture me about being unbelievable!" she spat back. "You can seek help for your temper, you know? You don't have to follow in your father's footsteps!"

Her words hit me like a blow to the gut, and as soon as they left her lips, she seemed to realize the weight of what she had said. We stood there in silence, our eyes locked, the anger dissipating from hers, replaced by guilt. I approached her slowly, but she backed away, now wary of me.

"I can't believe you," I growled under my breath.

"Jax, I... I didn't mean..." she stammered, her voice faltering.

"Yeah, you damn well did," I spat. "You're a cold-hearted b***h. You know that?"

Tears welled up in her eyes, and she shook her head slowly. "Please, I... I wasn't..."

"You're going to end up alone," I said, my voice icy.

She looked at me with a wounded expression, as though my words mirrored her own fears. At that moment, I didn't comprehend it. I was too consumed by rage, too hurt myself.

"I never want to see you again," I declared, turning on my heel and storming away.

"Jax!" But I ignored her pleas, striding out and seeking solace in alcohol.

When I awoke the next morning, a stranger lay beside me in bed. I couldn't even recall how we ended up together, but the sight of her stirred a sense of remorse within me.

“I have to admit, Kat... I was out to hurt you,” I murmured.

She glanced at me, appearing slightly taken aback.

“I know you believe I meant those things, but the truth is I truly didn’t. My father is a trigger. I am working on it. I have my whole life …”

“I’m sorry about that,” she conveyed. “Bringing him up—"

“I scared you, didn’t I?” I inquired.

She focused on her food, reluctant to respond, but then abruptly shook her head and I sighed.

“Kat, come on don’t lie to me,” I urged.

“You didn’t…”

“Stop lying,” I insisted.

She lifted her eyes to meet mine. It was difficult to gauge her at this moment. It was as if she was withholding something from me, or perhaps she simply regretted that night as much as I did. I couldn’t quite discern.

“Lying is a bit of a trigger too, isn’t it?” she remarked, surprising me.

“I don’t appreciate it,” I stated.

“Sometimes a lie can be beneficial.”

“That is not our current topic,” I responded. “Don’t divert me.”

She fell silent and started toying with her food instead.

“Kat, just be forthright, so we can address it.”

“You really want to say I was scared of you?”

I nodded.

“Why?” she inquired. “What is it going to change?”

“I believe it will alter a lot for you.”

“Me?”

I nodded.

“You always try to appear so tough.”

“Tough?” she exclaimed, almost offended, and crossed her arms.

“Ah, here we go again,” I sighed and lowered my fork and knife, placing them at the edges of the plate.

“I don’t try to act tough! Maybe I just wasn’t scared. I was shocked! But I don’t try to project toughness or coldness as you accused me.”

“Ah, so there it is! Finally, you let it out. Tell me how much I hurt you, so I can try to make it better.”

“I don’t need you to console me!” she exclaimed, now leaning closer to me.

“No, you never accept any consolation, do you?”

“Actually, just not from you, because how can ice warm ice?” she mused.

“Oh, are you calling me cold now?” I retorted.

“Well, is the color of my bra red?” she teased, leaving me perplexed. “And for your information, that is a yes.”

My eyes darted to her chest, and her eyes widened, waving a hand in front of my face.

“Hey!”

“Red, you say,” I remarked. “Trying to impress someone or did you expect me to break into your apartment?”

“So, you do admit you broke in!” she exclaimed, evidently ready to continue our dispute, but my mind was elsewhere now.

I shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“You are such a jerk!” she exclaimed.

“A jerk you just disclosed the color of your underwear to, are you going to show me now?” I teased, leaning further over the table, so our faces came even closer together.

“Get. The. F*ck. Out!”