To Want You

54

My stomach's currently filled with even more butterflies of nervousness as we approach the ride, the screams of the passengers making me want to hide. 

The queue was no longer, and Clever was the most excited one amongst the three of us. 

When he heard the creaking of the cart moving and how everyone started screaming as the cart raced and raced, he wanted to do the same too and experience the thrill. 

My eyes flicker to collide with Clever, who shoots me a smile I can't say no to. 

This boy knows I'm not a huge fan of this type of ride but still brought it up. Again, I obviously can't say now to him. I even brought up the idea of him riding it with Nathan only to be told that he didn't like it. 

I think my skin's gone paler than snow White's skin. Or maybe much more paler than the most palest thing on earth. How ironic. Just when I thought this would be the best stress reliever, this happens. 

 "Are you sure you want to do this, baby?" My voice may or may not have changed a little bit in pitch. 

Nathan nudges me in the side with a bemused smirk, and I nearly jump out of my skin. "You're not afraid are you, Noona?" 

"Me? Afraid?" I laugh in denial. "Of course not. I was just worried that maybe Clever will get scared." 

"I'm a big boy, Noona. I won't be scared." So much for escaping this.

"W-well okay." I find myself laughing nervously. "Just wanted to be sure." 

I breathe, feeling oxygen leave my body as we approach the lady with the headset, who takes her job way too seriously. I nibble the down part of my lip pondering if should just pretend like I left something and use that as a petty excuse not to ride. I try moving my hand away from Clever only for him to fighting his hold around my hand. 

Now I want to cry. 

"This way." 

She leads us to our seats. 

Just stepping on the stage makes my breathing rapid and shallow. My lungs suddenly demanding for air that I’m obviously not giving them. At this point, I might even faint from how much air I’m giving my system. Which isn’t a lot. Nathan spares me a quick glance before ignoring me once again. Even in that small amount of time when he eyes me, I don’t fail to notice the suspicious glint circling all around his face. 

I can feel my pulse pounding in my temples. 

It's a relief to get to my chair because between the heels and my legs shaking, I'm afraid I'll trip. I’m already terrified as it is. If I embarrass myself in front of these many people when the ride has yet to take action, I’m filing for a sibling disownment. 

My sense of relief doesn't last long. Unfortunately, I'm left sitting on the side with Clever in between Nathan and me. This is not good. Not, not good at all. 

I'll be fine. 

The rocket wasn't that bad so I'll be fine. I try to tell myself in attempts to help myself relax but god dang it wasn't working and holy mother of everything ugly we’re about to experience a ride that’s much worse than it. That rocket ride wasn't as high as this. Neither did it take abrupt twists and turns. I can feel the pits of my stomach striating to churn and it’s definitely not good news for me. 

Am I going to die?

All the reasons not to do this come flooding in, as if my body chemistry just sent them a massive blanket invitation. 

I feel the soft panic that can grow or fade depending on what I do next. It will fade if I back away, but then I have to do this all again another time. 

It will grow if I let these thoughts swirl into a vortex of stupidity, eating their own tail. 

Or I can breathe real slow, let the thoughts leak into the ether, and be the real boss of me. What the heck am I telling myself right now? 

This is a bad idea. 

My toes clench on their own and I find myself gulping down a huge lump down my throat. 

A really a bad idea.