To Want You

44

That boy will notice immediately and start throwing a tantrum over how I look too tired to go out with him today. Nathan called a while ago and said he'll come home right after school so that he can join us as well.

For someone who looks collected and cool almost all the time, he sure is one indecisive brat.

Just last night, he was against the whole idea of coming along but now look at him. Calling out of nowhere just to say he's made up his mind and wants to tag along.

I let out a sigh. I guess that's just one of the inevitable situations that are bound to happen when you have a huge gap with your siblings.

At this point, I'm like the fun aunt who can't say no to anything her favorite nephews say.

This is nice. I feel a little bit at ease now that I'm outside and not in there. The refrigerator's offering me many varieties of sandwiches I can pick. I don't feel like having anything beefy today. I don't want chicken either. My face twists when I suddenly find a new taste I've never seen in my whole entire life. I pick it up just for further inspection and read the label of the perfectly triangular wrapped sandwich.

Kimchi Sandwich.

Just reading it makes me want to barf. Whoever came up with this weird invention should be fired. And pronto. I return it back the next second and scoot farther away from it, going back to contemplating what I should have for lunch.

The building's becoming a lion's den. It's hard for me to easily walk around anymore.

With Abel under the same roof as me, the atmosphere isn't exactly helping me keep my posture at bay. All this professionalism I put up is actually just me forcing myself not to break down.

I find myself on high alert at all times. Having to do that since this morning played a toll on both my physical and mental sides. It was exhausting. I didn't like it.

If anyone were in my shoes, they'd feel the same way. Back in the day, he was my best friend. We used to do everything together. He had my back and I did do. Yet all that had to change because I didn't want to get hurt. It pains me every time I see him now. I have to pretend like I don't know him when I actually just want to hug him tight and tell him how much I missed him.

I know I've said it way too many times in my head how annoying he is right now but, I still care for him. I never stopped.

A heavy breath escapes my mouth and I shake my head and disperse the thought.

I have to get back before my thirty minutes are over.

"That'll be twelve dollars, ma'am." The cashier says.

I reach for my purse and hand her the exact amount before taking my stuff. I still have thirty minutes to spare. I don't worry too much about that. I only have a sandwich and a drink so it'll be fast.

Making myself comfortable on the stool beside the glass window, I twirl open the cap of my drink and take a sip from it. My gaze's planted on the window beyond, subconsciously watching people walking by.

Compared to the bustling noises of rapid footsteps and quick keyboard slaps, It's much peaceful here.

So peaceful.

The sight brings me back to my high school days where I'd' just sit like this after school was over and stare out the window. I missed the quiet days, the ones of still telephones and silent clocks.

I miss the random sounds that came sailing in the breeze; the birdsong that came so sweetly, almost tangible as if it were softly spun sugar. If I had things going my way, I would want to sit here all day long.

The sidewalk glistens under the vibrant sun, washed clean by a thousand raindrops, and then a thousand more.

It is as grey as the granite of the mountain peaks, new life growing in the crevices, tenacious, vibrant - tall wands of green upon wind-blown soil grains, each one so precious to the life it supports.

People walk, roughly in one direction, weaving a little, chatting as they go.

I stayed still for the remaining minutes of my break and just watched the world around me move without stopping.

My mind had wandered off, recalling the past without my permission. My memories with Abel. Sometimes I find myself spacing off wondering how things would've turned out had I not left him.

Would I have been able to handle the pain of someone precious to me suddenly becoming a stranger?

Honestly, It's a scary thought that I don't ever want to experience.

The only reason why I'm able to be strong in front of Abel now despite our broken past is because of my mother. She's helped me become strong for myself.

It's not like there's anything I could do to lift this awful curse anyway.

Might as well just live on rather than waste my time feeling the pain of things that can't be fixed.

The negative memories come with a cost, as addictive as they feel, once lessons are learned there is nothing in them of value.

The positive memories come as a friend with a picnic basket, they are good and nourishing, supportive, and kind.

And so I choose to build myself this way, letting the bad ones wander off on their own and encouraging the good ones to blossom and grow.

This way I become confident, well balanced, and in control of me, able to appreciate each moment as a gift and to see a positive future.

Snapping back to reality, I check my watch to see that there are ten minutes left before this mild break is over.

I pick up my trash and dump them in the bin before making my way out, sliding into the seat of my car.