Secrets I've Held in My Heart

Chapter 6 : Ava

It has been one week since my dad's death and this one week felt like eternity to me. I don't know how am I gonna spend my whole life without him. "I miss you so much, Dad." My heart whispered and a profound ache resonated within me.

After dinner, Alfred called for Christian and me in the study. We stood there as he fiddled with the books on the shelf. "So," he said, glancing at me, "have you made a decision? When are you two planning to get married?" Anxiety gripped me, and my heart raced in response.

Caught in a moment of uncertainty, I found myself at a loss for words. Neither a definitive "yes" nor a straightforward "no" felt appropriate. The weight of my own emotions mingled with the expectations of others, leaving me grappling for the right response.

Just to get some suggestions, I spilled the beans to my friend and they were like, "Whoa, hold up, that's Christian we're talking about. Not Christian Grey, but still Christian Forbes. I'd seriously think about trading in a bunch of true love for a shot with him."

However, I didn't say anything to clear the fog from their brain. Deep down, I felt sorry for them because of how off the mark they were. Love doesn't work like that. It's way more complicated. Way f*****g complicated!

"Umm, Alfred..." I hesitated, uncertain of my next words, but thankfully Christian's timely interruption spared me from the need to continue.

"Dad, it's only been a week since Uncle Bob passed away," Christian interjected. "I believe we should take it slowly."

"I didn't ask for your opinion," Alfred's words carried a sharp edge as he addressed Christian with aggression. Alfred was still upset with Christian for breaking our engagement and releasing this fact hurt me more than Jonas leaving me alone in the wedding dress.

"I won't marry Christian," I declared, the words finally escaping my lips, each one carrying a weight I had carried for too long.

"What?" Alfred's voice carried disbelief. "But why? What's wrong with Christian? Are you still upset because he broke his engagement with you?"

"No," tears streamed down my face. "Please don't hold him accountable for ending the engagement. It was my choice—"Before I could continue, Christian broke in. "IF… If Ava doesn't want to marry me then she will NOT marry me. It's her decision, and I'll respect whatever she chooses."

"No, it's not about her choice, and it's not yours either," Alfred's voice carried an authoritative edge. "You both made a promise to my best friend on his deathbed. I don't care if you're willing or not. What matters is that you must. It's his final wish." Alfred then walked past us, but before reaching the door, he halted and delivered his ultimatum. "I've waited a week out of respect, but tomorrow at 11 AM, you're getting married, and that's the end of discussion. Your wedding attire will be delivered to your rooms."

Alfred didn't even stop to hear our decisions or opposition, he just left as if he doesn't care what we think.

THE NEXT DAY @ 10 AM,

Marrying someone like Christian feels like a wonderful gift, but marrying someone like me, who feels broken and shallow, seems like a heavy burden. That's probably why even Jonas couldn't stick around and left me. Christian, who shines brightly like a diamond, deserves a partner who's just as brilliant. I feel more like a simple coal, unable to give him the happiness he deserves.

Both of us are being pushed into this marriage, against our will. Neither of us desires it. I've already burdened Christian with so much. He's given up so much for my sake. It's time for me to reciprocate.

Struggling, I manoeuvred a massive wooden ladder towards the far end of our garden. My plan was clear – I intended to use this ladder to scale the wall and flee from this coerced wedding.

However, the ladder was unwieldy, and the walls towered high. To add to my challenge, I harboured a fear of heights.

"Alright, Ava. Christian deserves better," I muttered, inhaling deeply. Gritting my teeth, I steeled myself to muster the courage needed to face my phobia and embark on the climb.

Honestly, I could totally marry Christian. We could do the whole deal - have some platonic s*x, I'll get pregnant, we will have kids, and will play a happy family. But there's one thing I can't give him, and that's my heart, 'cause truth be told, I don't have it for myself either. Jonas had it, and he crushed it into a million pieces. Christian deserves way more than that, he deserves real love. I'm not saying that I don't love him, I love him. I really love him, like a lot. But he deserves that mushy, romantic kind of love too, which I can't dish out. I can never make love to any other man. I can't even imagine doing it.

Christian deserves someone who can truly make his life shine with happiness, not someone who drains the light from his life and replaces it with the darkness of despair.

With determination, I began ascending the ladder, my heart pounding so intensely that it felt as if it might burst right out of my chest.

Step by step, I climbed: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Finally, I stood at the top, the cap of the ladder. "Mummyyy!" The cry that escaped me was tinged with fear, the height suddenly feeling more daunting as I looked down. My heart pounded wildly, my grip tightening on the ladder's rungs. "For Christian…" I said to myself, my shaky breath a reminder of the task at hand. "Do it for Christian," With a mix of determination and trepidation, I placed my foot onto the wall's pinnacle, my fingers clinging tightly to the ladder's edges.

"Despite your fear of heights, you're scaling this massive wall for me. But still, you can't marry me," The voice, warm and comforting like velvet, flowed from Christian. But hold a second! Where the hell was he speaking from?

I looked around, searching for him, but he remained out of sight.

"Here, down, by the wall," his voice guided me.

Down? I craned my neck and glanced at the base of the wall, on the other side. There he stood, waving his hand in the daylight.

While my gaze stayed on his face, a sense of security enveloped me, calming my racing heart. But as my eyes shifted to the ground, my heartbeat surged once again, and a sudden wave of dizziness overwhelmed me. I lost my balance, and my grip slipped, causing me to tumble down.

Plunging from two metres high felt surprisingly similar to that recurring dream of falling off an endless cliff. My eyes shut tight as I braced myself for a crash landing or worse, but that didn't happen. Instead, I found myself safely ensconced in Christian's sturdy embrace. It was almost unbelievable that he managed to catch me from such a height. This man possessed formidable strength.

The sense of security and comfort I felt in his arms was almost absurdly profound. I mean, I've never felt this secure, not even when I'm hidden under my blankets in my room. For a brief moment, I wanted to toss aside all caution and marry him just so I could stay in his arms like this forever.

"Why don't you want to marry me, moonlight?" he asked, his voice slightly slurred. Something was off.

"Whoa, hold up! Are you drunk?" I wrestled to get out of his arms, and finally, he let me go. "And," I tugged at the strap of my wedding dress, "how the heck did you know I was planning to escape from here?" Christian had this uncanny knack for predicting my moves, and it sometimes freaked me out a bit.

"I…" His words were slurred, and I was certain he was drunk. My heart ached for him. He must be drowning his sorrows in alcohol because of this whole mess. Poor Christian. But I won't let anyone push him into something he doesn't want. I'll walk away and shoulder all the blame myself. It's my turn to make a sacrifice.

"I know every beat of your heart," he continued, moving closer. With each step he took, I instinctively retreated, until my back met the wall. There was nowhere left to go. "Am I really that undesirable, moonlight?" he asked, his eyes searching mine for an answer.

"What do you mean?" I inquired, my heart racing at his proximity even more than when I fell from that two-metre-high wall.

"Why don't you want to marry me, moonlight?" he repeated the question, his grip gentle yet firm as he tilted my chin upwards. His eyes, a captivating blend of cerulean and stormy grey, held an enchanting depth, akin to the meeting of a tranquil sea and an impending storm. Within those depths, emotions swirled like hidden currents, at times serene, at others tumultuous. His gaze seemed to reach into the very core of me, unravelling my thoughts and secrets with a single glance.

"Is it really that bad?" he continued, his gaze locked with mine. "So bad that you'd defy your dad's final wish, strain your relationship with Alfred, and risk your safety climbing this wall, all to avoid marrying me?" A tear escaped his eyes, a sight that was rare to behold. His tears pierced me deeply, a hurt I hadn't anticipated, even more painful than the moment Jonas left me.

Tears welled up in my eyes, mingling with the ones in his, as if we were two hearts sharing a single soul. "No, you silly," I murmured, cupping his face and gently brushing away his tears.

He reciprocated, his touch tender as he wiped away my tears. "Then why?" His forehead met mine, and together we closed our eyes, allowing the tears to stream down and fade away. It felt like a silent communion, a moment of shared vulnerability and understanding.

"You're—" A soft sob caught my voice. "You're a diamond, Christian, and I'm just coal. A girl like me could never deserve someone like you."

"You're right, I'm a diamond," he said softly, our foreheads still touching. "And I won't deny it, call me a bit self-absorbed..." A gentle chuckle escaped him, and I couldn't help but join in, the tension in the air momentarily lightening.

"But, yes, I am a diamond." He drew back slightly, his hand moving to cradle the back of my head. Gently pulling me closer, his eyes locked onto mine, his gaze intense. "However, Ava, you're the moon. Diamonds might be rare and valuable, but they're not truly unique. The moon, though? There are only two. One hangs in the sky, and the other is here with me, gazing into my eyes." I opened my mouth to protest, ready to argue, but he pressed a finger against my lips, stopping me. "Shh, don't even start. I don't want to hear about how Mars has two moons, Jupiter has 79, Saturn has 82, and blah blah blah… They are not the same, baby. They are not the moon. They're satellites." His voice was soft, warm, and full of affection, as if he was pouring his heart out.

Geez, Christian knows me inside out. I was totally gonna bring up the whole moon versus satellites thing. But he shut me up before I got started.

"Look, I'm not gonna pressure you into marrying me, Christian," I declared, gently extricating myself from his hold. "I don't want you to be some sort of backup plan." I cupped his cheek, my gaze sincere. "You deserve more than that, Christian. You deserve someone better."

"Oh, baby," he murmured, his hand cupping my cheek. A jolt of electricity surged through me at his touch. ¡Baby! Why does that word sound so utterly breathtaking? "Having you by my side is like a blessing," he continued, his eyes locking onto mine. "Marrying you would be like worshipping a god, Ava." His other hand came up to cup my opposite cheek. "And you don't feel forced when you worship a god."

I'd never encountered such a beautiful analogy before. No one had ever made me feel this cherished, except for Christian. His words were like a lifeline in the midst of a desert, and the more I heard, the thirstier I became for them.

Facing the truth, Jonas wasn't going to come back after whatever he did. So, eventually, I'd have to think about marrying someone else. In that situation, why not Christian? I couldn't think of finding anyone better, and choosing this option would also let me honour my father's last wish.

"Shut the heck up, you selfish jerk!" a voice in my mind cursed. "How can you be so sel—"

"Please, don't go, moonlight," Christian's heartfelt plea broke through my inner chaos. His touch on my cheeks loosened and he knelt down before me. "I swear I'll keep you happy forever." His words were brimming with sincerity as his eyes locked onto mine, and they shimmered with a depth of emotion that was impossible to put into words. "Please, marry me, Ava Rinehart." His gaze lifted to meet mine, and in his eyes, I found an entire universe.

That universe was so precious, so potent, that it had the power to ignite a hint of selfishness within anyone. I couldn't utter the word "no," which could only mean I said, "Yes, I'll marry you, Christian."

A FEW MINUTES LATER..

As the sun began its descent, Christian and I stood under a delicate canopy of flowers in the intimate garden setting. I walked towards him in my wedding attire, feeling the weight of my father's absence. The memory of my father's last moments echoed in my mind, a reminder of the promise we'd made by his deathbed.

With Christian's eyes fixed on mine, I recited vows that held more significance than I'd anticipated. The exchange of rings marked a pivotal moment, a merging of families and a tribute to my father's memory. Our lips were about to meet in a tender kiss, a symbol of our commitment, when a voice shattered the air.

"Ava? Christian? What the hell is going on here?" The voice was filled with shock, disbelief, and a hint of heartbreak. It was Jonas, standing in front of us with a bandage around his head, a plaster cast on his right hand, and his face showing all sorts of feelings—his eyes brimming with tears that reflected his broken trust.

My heart sank, and I stepped back from Christian, my cheeks turning red with surprise and confusion. Jonas being there was a surprise, and seeing him hurt added to the confusion of the moment.

The world seemed to hold its breath as the weight of the moment hung in the air. The sun's warm glow painted the sky as our emotions collided. In the midst of it all, as the applause of our loved ones faded, I held Christian's hand tightly, finding strength and solace in his presence. Amidst the unexpected turn of events, I knew that our journey had taken an unforeseen path, and that the road ahead would be filled with challenges we hadn't anticipated.

Tears welled up in Jonas' eyes as he shook his head, his voice wavering. "I can't believe this," he murmured, a mixture of disbelief and pain in his tone.

To be continued…