Secrets I've Held in My Heart

Chapter 11: Ava / Christian

AVA

Uncle Alfred's words echoed in my mind, leaving a trail of uncertainty in their wake, and objecting to his decision seemed baseless. After all, Christian and I are now married. I'm his wife, and his bedroom is now meant to be mine as well. We must share it. Not only the bedroom but also the rest of life.

Christian deserved a wife who loved him wholly, unreservedly, not one who harboured a secret love for another man. I have to lock away my love for Jonas in the deepest chambers of my heart. He deserved nothing but the best, and I have to be the best for him.

INSIDE CHRISTIAN'S ROOM…

I've always loved Christian's room. His room was way bigger than mine, and the view from the balcony was like a chef's kiss. Since childhood, I have had my eyes on his room. I wanted to make it mine; it was kind of my sole mission when I was fourteen, but I never thought I would ever succeed in my mission like this. I mean, by marrying him.

I sat on the edge of the bed, the soothing rhythm of applying body lotion to my hands, providing a momentary escape. In the midst of this familiar routine, the bathroom door swung open, and there was Christian, stepping into the room.

We lived in the same house, yet in that instant, it felt as though I were glimpsing a stranger. He wore a casual greyish-black night suit, a far cry from his usual daytime attire. The fabric clung gently to his form, and it was impossible to miss how two buttons of his night suit were left undone, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of his sculpted chest muscles. His hair, which usually lay meticulously in place, was a tousled mess, as if touched by the gentle chaos of cuteness. I had never thought Christian could look this good in his casuals.

The room was quiet as we were busy with our skincare. Christian snagged a purple towel hanging nearby and started drying his hands.

Both of us just sat there, not saying a word. The room got kinda chilly with all the silence, and if someone had walked in, they'd probably think we were total strangers instead of best buds.

Christian grabbed a hand cream from his dresser and started slathering it on his hands. With a nonchalant grin, he broke the ice, "So, what's the verdict? Couch duty - you or me?"

I couldn't help but retort, "What?"

He clarified with a chuckle, "Sleep! Where am I supposed to sleep? Couch or bed?"

I rolled my eyes in playful disbelief. "Do you think this is some movie, and we're hero and heroine? Come on, Christian! This bed is big enough for two people to sleep comfortably. We don't need to play the 'couch or bed' game. Plus, this isn't our first time sharing a bed." I patted the empty space beside me on the bed and added with a grin, "Here, come. Let's sleep."

As he approached the bed, Christian drew nearer, and an unusual tension hung in the air. In the past, proximity to Christian seldom brought this kind of unease, but now, especially after our marriage, every time he inched closer, my heart seemed to skip a beat.

I found myself inexplicably drawn to his cerulean and the stormiest grey eyes, searching for something undefined. Lost in their depths, I was brought back to reality when he pulled the pillow beside me and softly uttered, "I... don't think so. I'll sleep on the couch."

As Christian was about to make his way to the couch, my hand acted on its own, reaching out and gently gripping his wrist to stop him. I couldn't quite fathom why I had stopped him, but now that I had, I needed to offer a reasonable explanation.

I stammered, "Ahh-ummm," momentarily at a loss for words. "Don't be melodramatic," I finally managed to say with a hint of humour. "I'm not gonna eat you. You can sleep here beside me."

"Fine," without further protest, he placed the pillow back on the bed and climbed in beside me.

"Hey, wait a minute, who's gonna turn off the lights?" I inquired, dreading the idea of leaving the cosy warmth of the bed.

Christian flashed a mischievous grin and swiftly retrieved his mobile from the bedside drawer. "I've got it," he assured me. With a couple of taps on his phone, the room plunged into darkness.

My amazement was palpable as I exclaimed, "What the—! This is so cool. Why isn't this feature available in my room?"

"Because you're still living in the 19th century," he teased, his tone playful though unseen in the darkness.

I responded with a hint of offence, "That's not funny at all."

It felt incredibly surreal. Just a few hours ago, I had been engulfed in tears and anguish, and my heart weighed down by sorrow. But here, in this moment, as I shared words with Christian, it was as if none of that pain, sorrow, or despair had ever existed.

While Jonas remained the love of my life, Christian somehow breathed new life into my spirit, making me feel alive as he always does.

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CHRISTIAN

After a while in the stillness of the night, Ava's voice broke the silence.

"Christian," she called my name, her voice carrying through the darkness.

I responded quietly, "Yes."

"Are you asleep?" Ava inquired.

"No," I replied honestly. How could I possibly fall asleep with Ava, as my wife, lying beside me?

Ava's voice wavered with hesitation as she began, "Can I…" She paused before finding the courage to finish her request, "...put my head on your chest? I can't sleep, and I think a hug might help me drift off."

I deliberated for a moment, torn between my desire to comfort her and my fear of where it might lead. "No," I replied with a heavy heart, "It won't help. In fact, it might make it even harder to fall asleep."

I quietly removed the pillow from beneath my head and carefully placed it between us, using it as a barrier to shield Ava from my inner turmoil.

"Christian," she uttered my name, a touch of complaint in her voice. "I'm serious. Don't you dare play any sarcastic games with me."

God! Does she truly believe that I have the capacity to engage in any kind of unnecessary games with her right now?

"I'm not," I replied, my heart pounding so rapidly it felt as if it might leap out of my chest. "You're not allowed to put your head on my chest. And a hug? Forget about it. I'm not your teddy bear." I had to resort to rudeness, using it as a shield to conceal the growing desire that pulsed within me.

"Funny," she chuckled and removed the pillow that had separated us. She moved closer, and the scent of her lavender body lotion did nothing to help control my desires. "You're my Christian bear," she teased playfully before resting her head on my chest, her right hand gently placed beside her head on my chest.

"Wow, Christian," she remarked, her voice filled with concern as her hand pressed against my chest. "Your heart is beating so fast. Are you okay?"

Now, every fibre of my body urged me to seize her hand, draw her nearer, and let my lips find hers. But then, that haunting flashback resurfaced, echoing her confession of love for Jonas.

I still love you, Jonas.

It was like a splash of icy water, a cruel reminder of the fact that her heart beats for him.

With a heavy heart, I raised my upper body, gently allowing Ava's head to slip from my chest. As much as I craved her, I couldn't ignore the confession that she made today. I thought I was strong enough to bear the pain of unrequited love, but in that moment, I realized my strength had its limits.

With every step, I made my silent exit from the room, the weight of my love and restraint heavy in the air.

To be continued…