Love From A Distance

Millicent's POV When life gets tough, what do you do? Supposedly you step it up, no matter how tough the situation is. Helping yourself succeed by taking care of the issue, in one way or another. At least that's what the main goal for the situation is. Or that's what I have always been told. But what happens when you don't know what step to take next to help you succeed? When there is no path ahead to follow and no one who is there to tell you what to do.. Do you make your own path? Or just blindly wander into the darkness, figuring out things as you go, while hoping for a good result? I'm not sure either... The worst part about this is that I can't seem to even remotely calm my mind that won't stop overthinking about every little detail that comes to mind in this whole ordeal. I don't know what anyone else likes to do when their stressed out about things.. but for me, there is only one thing that makes me feel better, every time I'm stressed. It's the only thing that works every single time.. There are other things, like smoking, s*x or drinking that works sometimes, but this solution works every time.. So without hesitation I shut myself away into the bathroom, to take a shower and hopefully get rid of these stressing thoughts that plague my mind. Once the sound of the shower turns on, I get an urgency in my heart.. internally pulling at me to get under that shower head with the steaming hot water booming out. It's as if I imagine that the water escaping it can heal me on contact. I know that's not actually possible, but I pretend it to be for the sake of my stressing mind, even if it's just wishful thinking. That's why I come here everytime I need some alone time to think things over. It's the only combination needed to calm this overwhelmed system. Steam billows out from all around the shower curtain, giving me the sign that it's time to get in. I go without a moment to lose, as if my life depends on it.. when I know it doesn't. I'm just stressed and I know that everyone has stresses too. I just need to figure out how to deal with mine. I feel the piping hot droplets hit my back as they cascade down my body, shocking me on initial contact. But my body easily gives into the heat, just letting it do what it does best. This goes hand-in-hand with the steam opening my senses and mind to try to help me relax in this very moment. I let out a deep breath, before sucking in the hot fumes to sooth my rapidly beating heart. It works only slightly, but enough for some of my body to relax in that action alone. I need to calm down so I can plan out my next steps clearly, with a level head. I honestly don't know what to do.. The crisis at hand is that I think my marriage is falling apart and there might not be anything else that I can do about it. I don't have any evidence to back up my assumption of it going down hill.. So I know this might sound crazy and believe me in starting to feel it. I have searched his bags and clothing when he takes them off to take a shower.. I have searched his social medias and his phone when he leaves it out.. We have always let each other have access to all of our items.. but lately he has been very protective over his phone and bag, which obviously makes me target those specifically. It's honestly strange, when he does text around me, he is smiling at his phone but always turns it away so I can't see. When I have to reach in the direction of the phone, for whatever reason, he gets protective over it as if I was going to steal it.. But I don't want it, I just want to know what's making him act so different lately. He has been looking more and more suspicious over the months that fly by. He has even been working longer hours and taking more jobs out of town, so I have been seeing him less and less over the past half year. But no matter how much I ask or investigate the situation, there is absolutely nothing to give me a hint about what's happening with him. Especially since he refuses to tell me anything every single time I ask. He keeps calling me crazy and I'm starting to feel like it.. But it's my body that's telling me otherwise. So it's just intuition at this point, leading me in this direction.. and I have always been a person to trust my gut over all else, my father always taught me that.. So maybe that makes me sound crazier that there is no substantial evidence and my body is just feeling weird. But I know something is wrong and has been for a while, it's been getting worse with us over time. I'm not saying I want something to be wrong or making a problem with him so I'm right and not actually crazy... but I know there is something else going on and I'm determined to figure out what it is. My husband and I have been drifting apart for a while now, almost a year.. and.. I'm not sure why. There hasn't been anything that had pulled us apart.. we have been fighting more lately, but it's just been over him never being around or not helping out like he used to. But nothing huge that was life changing that I could look back on yhe argument and say.. that's what tore us apart.. there is nothing. That I know of at least. I try to talk with him and he just says the same old answer, that he can't and that he is busy.. the list of reasons to be busy keeps changing depending on the day, but that doesn't make me feel better with the different excuse to not talk to me when things get tough. That's what you're supposed to do in a committed marriage, is talk things through, but he refuses to. I ask him to talk to me and he says there's nothing to discuss and that I'm just being paranoid. I have tried to mend this hole between us by at least bringing us back together, even if it's just by being only physical.. So I can be closer to him somehow and we can go from there.. if not emotionally right now then just physically, in hopes the rest will come with it.. But he turns me down everytime. He doesn't even act attracted to me whatsoever. So it's been a long half year now since we haven't had some type of intimacy at all in the bedroom.. and I feel like I'm going insane. I'm not saying I need s*x to get through the day, but we always had a great s*x life so cutting me off is not helping my stressed out mind.. it helps relax me and he won't even attempt anything with me as if I have the plague.. or disgusting to him somehow.. Maybe he just doesn't want me anymore. It's hard to think those depressing but realistic thoughts.. and he insists that he does want me.. but it seems impossible to believe when he is coming home late almost every day and then won't come near me anymore when he is home, let alone do the little things he used to that made me so happy.. like sending me a morning message if he left for work early, or sending dinner to my work if we couldn't have it together.. plus the random hugs and sentimental kisses that meant more to me than he will ever know.. so with all of this suddenly dissipated for seemingly no reason, it makes his words hard to believe. He says he is just tired from working to not be intimate with me in anyway, but for some reason to me it feels like so much more than that. Maybe I'm just reading more into his words than I'm supposed to.. But.. His distance and absence is implanting these thoughts and I feel like I can't do anything to pull him back in... No matter how hard I try. I know it might sound bad, but maybe this is for the best.. I'm not a person to give up on anything in life.. but how many times can I watch him come home late, not even look or care about anything going on with me, let alone even acknowledge me.. while drinking his life away before I leave this lonely life? I feel like I'm at the end of my rope for trying to save this 8 year long marriage and I don't know what else to do. He pushes away anything that could possibly help.. my last attempt was to sign us up for couples counseling.. and of course he says this is a waste of time and money, but I want to try. You never know until you try. The first meeting was last week and he promised he would meet me there after work.. and he never showed.. he said work ran late, but I know in my heart that's a lie. I feel as if he has given up. I don't know if it's something I have done wrong or if it's something he is dealing with.. but my mind won't stop running rampant at these thoughts. It's moving full speed as if they are a Nascar race.. and somehow I'm losing. But for some dumb reason I can't seem to give up, even with the odds against me.. so I'm giving him another shot.. once again.. today is the next meeting and like before, he has promised to be there.. but we will just have to wait and see. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe that's too much to give at this point. I huff out as I tip my head back, letting the water soak my hair before I caress shampoo through it, to clean every long, silky strand thoroughly. Then rinsing out all the shampoo before quickly replacing it with conditioner. I have this therapy session then work, so lets hope this day can get better from here on out. But after waking up alone again, to finding my husband asleep on the couch, with his regular excuse, stating he was just so tired that he fell asleep out there after work.. I'm honestly not feeling too good about today's start. He has spent all morning on his phone ignoring me and states that he has meetings all day after the therapy session, making it sound like the biggest inconvenience to go with me to therapy because of the most annoyed tone used everytime I bring it up. But as long as he goes that's what matters right? Supposedly he is getting ready right now, but we have to go seperately since we both have work after.. Let's just hope he means all of the promises he seems to make. I just want him to push work aside and put our relationship first for once and I'm afraid that won't be the case. But here's to hoping for him to stick to his word.. because if not, I don't know what I'm going to do.