Favored by Indivia

17

Chapter Seventeen

In which drunken mistakes made sense.

-

[Ross Pagette Monstine.]

“Wait, what is happening?”

It was expected that Elizabeth is the only one who is confused about the whole situation. While she is a true extrovert and was used to people, there was a side of her that was slow with this kind of situation. That is also the reason why we look after her, as she is easily swindled. As much as she is kind and outgoing, she’s also pretty dense.

“I’m teaching Matthias how to paint,” I answered, knowing that Samantha and Vivian wanted to give or explain everything. Not to further incriminate my own doing, but to give me the platform to express everything I have been enduring. Talking about it will give me a sense of relief, like ripping out a bandage. “...for quite a while now.”

Elizabeth poured herself another drink, still clearly not understanding the situation. “Wow, so you finally allowed yourself to teach someone else. Good for you. Someone really…” her words trailed, noticing that everyone was looking at her expectantly. I wasn’t sure if she didn’t see anything wrong with what I said, or simply because nothing is processing through her drunken mind. As if verifying the latter, she added. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

Samantha frowned. “It is no use talking to a drunk woman.”

“That is true,” Elizabeth added, clearly not aware that she is the subject of the conversation. Still sipping on her drinks, she easily brushed the topic without the least aware of what is the burden that carried it. I wanted her to know the least, for I know that she the most aware of the topics. “Speaking of Matthias,” she says, putting her glass down. “I heard that some people catch him drawing. Others mentioned that he was improving and that he was sketching a woman.”

A woman?

“It must have been Ryli.” Eli finalized, shrugging. “Since you know,” her drunken eyes moved towards mine, “since she’s his girlfriend.”

Elizabeth is drunk, and I knew that she only looked at me upon uttering my sister’s name. Even still, I felt the weight in my heart to see it as a warning about what I was doing. I knew that I needed to end this, as it doesn’t help anyone in the long run. Seeing my sister look genuinely happy with him made me guilty.

I want her to be happy.

“Wait,” Elizabeth frowned, looking at me. There was a shred of horror in her eyes and for once, I fear for my life. Not because I knew she could say anything to me, but I knew that in that second—she knows. “Ross, you’re not drinking!”

Damn it.

I chugged my glass, not even carrying about the result of all of this. Why do I do this for myself? I know that I didn’t do anything wrong—not even touched a surface of what everyone fears, but why does it have weight in my heart? Because I didn’t want to disappoint them? To not see me in a dark light that I always found myself in?

“Calm down,” Vivian whispered, her hands touching my shaking ones. “You should know better than anyone that Elizabeth isn’t one to judge others. Despite how many stories she heard, not once did the woman back anyone up when they say bad things. She’s a good friend.”

Samantha nodded. “If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t have put up with her. Her kindness is the only thing that’s going for her.”

“That is true,” Elizabeth agreed, making me laugh. She followed the laughter, announcing just how disconnected she is from the whole thing. If she wasn’t processing how the conversation was mainly focused on her, I doubt that she had enough space to understand why both Vivian and Samantha were worried for me.

“I know that,” I agreed.

Despite the years we all had spent together, while there were times when we would piss each other off—none of them were enough to cut the friendship between any of us. We all understand that we have different personalities, and it was inevitable that some days than most, they will clash.

Why am I afraid of telling them again?

I could hardly remember why.

“Just make sure to finish all lingering attachments,” Samantha mentioned, pouring me another glass. While I do not see any evidence on her face that she’s already drunk, the shaking hands were enough to justify that she’s close to hitting that space. “Everything around him wouldn’t do you good.”

I sighed. “There is no lingering attachment.”

“Of course,” Vivian nodded, but I could feel the sarcasm in her voice. “That’s why he’s the only man that you could paint, when you have your brother.”

Elizabeth sniffed, shrugging her shoulders. “Maybe it’s the concept, you know?”

“Concept?” I asked, not understanding what she was going with this.

“Yeah, you know. Maybe it’s not because you can only paint him—but because you only wanted to paint him. That has some clear difference since I think you were just giving excuses. So your subconscious—”

“No,” I easily declined, shaking my head. There was not such a thing happening. When I noticed that I painted him well, I wanted to try if I could do the same to Ryli or Page. Wanting to explain myself, I added. “I tried painting other people, I just…”

She nodded as if understanding what I was trying to point out. “Exactly what I was trying to say, yeah. I think you’re making excuses for your behavior that is why you tried in the first place. When in reality, I think that you feel like Ryli is planning to steal something important from you, so you’re doing the exact same thing to her.”

I paused, and so did Vivian and Samantha. Elizabeth looked blacked out drunk, and while she had always been honest—this was something she would have never said when she was sober.

My eyes blinked at her, but she couldn’t even keep her vision straight.

I… is that what I am doing?

The reason why I had no inspiration, or motivation to paint other people or views—is simply because I wanted it to be Matthias? Not because he’s my muse, but simply of the fact that I am stealing Matthias from my sister because I feel like she’s stealing something from me?

…what?

“Ok, Els. Time out,” Samantha rose from her seat, easily grabbing Elizabeth away from us. “You’re f*****g drunk, you need to rest. We don’t need verses of your ideas now.”

Elizabeth moaned, “Noooo,” she wailed, thrashing in her place to display that clearly not wanting to end the night on this note. Not because the conversation is good, or the ambiance is what she needed—simply because she still wanted to drink. “We still have two bottles.”

“You already drank three bottles, Els. That’s all your small body could carry.”

“You’re f*****g rude,” she blabbered.

“Elizabeth.”

“Aww, fine,” she whined but allowed herself to rest in Samantha’s shoulder while they wobble into the bedroom.

Her voice feels like a megaphone inside my mind, spilling the words continuously in a loop. For weeks, I had drowned myself in the question as to why I am going through this. Looking at the painting, wondering why his face is the only thing that I could think of when I see a canvas.

I thought it was his beauty, maybe even how he sees the world.

But it was true.

I liked Matthias before, maybe not in a love situation—but in admiration. And yet, not once did I ever think of painting him. Never did I raise a brush, or had seen a canvas only to see him as the subject. It had never happened before.

Yet when I saw him with my sister, when they were in the atelier and learning painting—that’s when I stopped wanting to paint and came to his face as an excuse. My hands fisted on the fabric of my pajamas, comprehending just how toxic my mind had drifted.

I had continued to believe that I wasn’t stealing him. I knew I was doing something wrong, but not once processed what it was. Now that Elizabeth had shown it to me, in full view—I feel like I needed to vomit.

I feel f*****g disgusting.

Ryli was learning to paint, and I wanted to knock back at her… by stealing her boyfriend?

“Ross.” Vivian’s sharp voice cut into my thinking, her eyes following mine with worry. When she extended her arm, I flinched. I knew that she was planning to comfort me, and yet I could not see how I am deserving of that action. I had done something wrong, why aren’t they reprimanding me? “Ross,” she says again.”

“No,” I muttered, not even having the courage to look at her. “Th…”

“It isn’t true.”

“It is,” the words were poison to admit, and I shuddered upon realizing what I had been doing for the last weeks that the man trusted me. He was willing to become my muse in order to help me and to further make things much easier for his schedule—because he needed the break. And what did I do? Taking advantage of the situation.

“Ross.”

I shook my head, not wanting to be lied to. “Elizabeth answered exactly what plagued my mind for weeks. I did not notice it, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. Even if I made sense of the situation, I knew something was off.”

“You are not—”

“No,” I grumbled, refusing to hear any good notes that would what I did into a good situation. From what it looked like, I had f****d up. I was willing to hurt my sister and put her in a situation where it could break her emotionally—just because she wanted to learn how to paint. “Do not… make excuses, because I do that all the time! Whenever Ryli does something for herself, I would ruin it for her! I…”

Gentle hands pulled me, giving me the comfort of being in someone’s embrace. I never knew that I needed to hear those words. Ryli is good at everything she does, but not once did she master any of her skills. Not because she doesn’t have the means to do so, but simply because I ruin all the steps for her.

In needs to stop the comparison between us, I cut her wings.

In order to stop me from hurting, I was unaware that I was doing the same to my sister. Not only that, but I have the guts to accuse her of being the evil person in this situation. There’s no f*****g mystery that she isn’t allowing herself to get near me. Because she knew that I will burn her.

“Calm down, Ross,” Vivian whispered, her gentle hands softly patting my head. “Beating yourself up wouldn’t do you good. We make mistakes, okay? It wasn’t like you were aware that you were doing something in that manner. You were never thought to handle these emotions, so it was expected that you would react in ways you never knew was wrong.”

My hands gripped her tighter. Ryli’s mother—my now stepmom—Natalie, had always been nice to me. She supported me through everything I wanted, in the same manner, that she does to Ryli. Not once did I feel like my sister was receiving more than mine. My father does the same between me and her.

However, I continue to put a line between myself and my sister.

“I just…”

“We know,” Vivian assured me, her hands patting my shoulders. “Now that you know you did something wrong—it is easier to fix the mistake. You told us you were willing to end the session this week, which would make things easier for you to handle this well.”

“But what if I did it again?”

“We’ll stop you,” Samantha’s voice leaked to the living room.

My eyes followed her to see that she looked apologetic. I never know if they had thought of the same idea that Elizabeth had formed, but was hesitant to tell me. Of course, that is to be expected. Samantha, of all people, would have been the first to notice if there was something off with me. She had always been quick to these things but is not one to confront us when she does notice. In many situations, I realized that she was mainly giving us the courage to open it up in our own time. Maybe that’s why they wanted me to stop since they could understand what I was doing a mile away.

Through the years that I had spent with them, they always looked after me. Maybe it was only my wishful thinking that made me believe they never really understand that I was putting my family in a huge awkward situation.

Of course, they would know.

They were in the dorm when I walked out the second that Ryli stepped in.

My friends had seen the situation and knew how badly I wanted to be disassociated with my sister when stepping inside the school. I was a fool thinking none of them would notice when I was comfortable enough with them to show my raw reactions. Even when they speak about copying something about my sister, I did not hold back stuttering a backhanded compliment.

“Calm down, Ross. For now, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Samantha assured me, a smile resting on her face. “And you’re placing an end to it. To what everyone thinks and could comprehend, what you did is simply an act of service.”

Even if it wasn’t.

My heart sunk realizing how much I would have f****d up if we did not have this refresher girl’s night. I was glad that Elizabeth was drunk enough not to care if she hurt my feelings, or not once would I had known that this is what was going on. From what it looks like, Vivian and Samantha were willing to hold that information away from me.