Beyond Repair

Chapter 14 - Max

I sat in the office bored stupid while the pair of them discussed me at length. I had hoped that Gerry would be annoyed by her presence, but I was sadly disappointed. He seemed to really like her. She had the same effect on everyone she came into contact with. They just continued discussing me like I wasn’t even there. Clara telling him about the incident and her other observations.

“As you know, Max, when you left the hospital you still had significant swelling. Which is why I strongly suggested you come in for follow up scans.” He gave me a look of disappointed, but I was used to it. The truth was that I had told everyone I had been discharged, but I had left against medical advice. I just needed to get out of there at the time. “How long have you been having sensations of any kind?”

“Pretty much the whole time. Maybe a couple of months after I left the hospital. It was so minor. I thought it was like the sensations they talk about after you’ve had limbs amputated. I just thought it was whispers of old sensations or something.”

“Which is why you should have contacted me about it. Any feeling, no matter how small suggests that you might not have a complete spinal injury.”

“What does that mean?” I hated doctors. They always seemed to talk in riddles.

“It means that there may be treatment available to give you more function back. Now, I don’t want to mislead you, it is a longshot. Even if your injury is incomplete, you may not get much function back. The chances of you walking again are unlikely. Even if it is possible, it will take months of therapy.”

“Great, so why am I actually here?”

Clara had been quietly listening and letting me take in what the doctor was saying, but something told me she already knew exactly what was going on. “If there is a chance, it is worth looking into. Even if you can put some weight on your legs it would make things more manageable for you at home.” She spoke softly, like she was addressing a toddler.

“It’s perfectly manageable already, thank you.” She shot me a look and I knew she was putting my comment down to my stubbornness and independent streak.

“Well, I think the best thing we can do is run some tests. MRI first of course and a physical examination by the physio department, too.”

I groaned. “You know I hate that perky bunch. Only psychopaths can smile constantly while torturing their patients.” I wasn’t even exaggerating. They were all happy and positive while bending my legs in directions they shouldn’t go. The worst bit was when they would insist on checking my hips. Those still worked perfectly fine, which meant the stupid acrobatic movements they forced me into caused too much pain for my liking.

“They do it for your own good. If they wish to put a routine in place, which they probably will, Clara can do it with you. It will save you having to come in as often.”

“Aren’t you supposed to want me to come in so you can bill me for the pleasure?” Suddenly the physios didn’t seem so bad. If it was them or Clara having her hands all over me, I knew which was the better option.

“Well, that is true. However, I know you well enough to know you just won’t come. Getting care from somewhere is better than none at all.” I conceded because it wasn’t so easy to backtrack. I could hardly change my tune after years and have them not notice.

Instead, I held my tongue and dutifully headed for my MRI. Clara slowly walked beside me as I headed down for the test. She was being careful not to say too much. “What is it you are expecting?” I wanted to know what she was actually thinking.

“I don’t expect anything. I know better than to get my hopes up.” Apparently, evasive was the best I was going to get.

“Get your hopes up? I never knew my legs were important enough to you for you to have hopes for them.” She went scarlet and I wondered what had flashed through her mind. I wanted to think she had the same sort of thoughts I did. The second they had suggested I might get some use back, there was only one thing on my mind. Except, she was innocent and naive. It wasn’t likely that her mind jumped straight to s*x at the mere suggestion of my legs working.

The last MRI I had was hell. I was determined to manage the situation better. I was confident it would be fine, even as I started to move into the chamber. It might not have been pitch black, but there was a distinct lack of light. Feeling stuck there, not being able to move even my working limbs. I squeezed my eyes shut, but that only made it worse.

It had been the same last time. The helplessness, the darkness, it made me feel like I was back there on the bus. In those moments, where I didn’t even know my own name let alone what had happened to me. If anything back then was better. I would have rather had that than the darkness and fear with all the memories buzzing around my mind.

I couldn’t control it. My mind felt like it was back there. Reliving every single second. I tried to fight it. Concentrating on good memories to try to keep myself from slipping back into hell. The only thing I could picture was Clara. Images of her flashing through my mind. Her at home in my kitchen, her wearing my strip. The memory of her propelling herself down the aisles of the supermarket was almost enough to make me smile.

It seemed to be working. The feelings of confinement passed and my breathing started to level out. My muscles were relaxing and I almost felt like I was melting into the plank beneath me. Even the noise seemed to be making me settle. I found myself drifting off.

Something made me jump and I startled myself awake. Completely forgetting where I was or why I was there. The panic felt like a knife in my chest, plunging deeper and deeper. I couldn’t control it, everything happened too fast. My chest was getting tighter and the darkness was pulling me under. It wasn’t the first time it had happened.

Every time I got overly stressed, the memories of that night played in my mind, but it felt like I was right back there. Trapped, helpless and losing people. My legs pinned all over again, with no way out. My arms desperately dragging at the chair pinning me in. Reaching out for Terri all over again. Losing her all over again.

I could hear her shouting my name. Begging me to help her. The panic in her voice cut through me. Filling me with heartbreak and regret. If only I had told her not to come with us, but I was selfish. I never felt right when she wasn’t there. Instead of putting her first, I gave in to my need for her and it ended in disaster.