Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 12

I had eight-hundred dollars shoved into my pillow case by the time I went back to school. Sure, it probably wasn’t a fortune yet, and I had no idea where James was getting all the money, but I was taking it all. Instead of lingering on the idea of just taking his rape and then ending it in death, I had a much better idea in mind. If I could hold out just another few months I might just have enough money to get out of this place. To get away from him once and for all. That was my plan, and while working on it I had not thought about the fact that I would be going back to school and that I would have to see Chris once again. I hadn’t made contact with him since the day he left my room, promising to be there when I was ready, but I had made sure that I wasn’t ready. Something in me really hoped that he might have found someone during the holidays. Somebody that deserves him and would love him the way he was meant to be loved. Still, when I entertained the thought I grew just a little bit jealous. He was my hero first, after all.

The stares as I walked through the hallway at school could not have been helped. I was sure there were all sorts of rumors just flying around about the reasons I had tried to kill myself. I did not stop to listen to the ones in the hallways standing and whispering behind their hands. I could only imagine what they were saying, and if it was anything as untruthful as what the nurses back at the hospital had thought I might have lost it. Instead I took on the new persona of myself. The one I had worked the last two weeks on perfecting. The confident E.J.

I had just put my books into my locker when I felt a hand touching my shoulder.

“You look different,” Chris said as I turned around to look him right in the face. “Could we maybe… like… Could you meet me at lunch time? We need to talk.”

I looked down at my clothing, seeing what he was seeing as well. It was weird to find me in skinny jeans. It was weird to find me wearing black at all. I was a person who liked blue and green and red. I loved colors. But black was what I needed, so I took it.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied. I didn’t want to give Chris any kind of hope. I needed to crush every bit of hope he had before it had a chance to grow.

“Please Elliot. It’s important.” He never used my full name, so I knew he was serious.

“Five minutes,” I answered, but before he could walk away from me I said: “Now.”

“Where?” He turned around, the frown on his face confused.

“The swings,” I said as I turned around and swiftly walked in the direction of the exit that would lead us to the swings. It felt like I haven’t been there in years, but I needed everything to come full circle. I needed to finally end this where it started. I could hear Chris’ footsteps, fast-paced trying to keep up with me.

When I finally stopped I sat down on one of the swings, waiting for him to sit down on the other one.

“What’s the issue?” I asked when it was obvious that he would not be the one to start the conversation.

“We need to talk,” Chris replied as he hung his head low on his chest, avoiding all eye contact.

“Then talk.” It was harsh, but I needed it to be.

“I’ve… I’ve… I kinda met someone…”

This was what I wanted for him. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted Chris to find someone that he would love and that would love him back. But if this was what I wanted, why did it feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest?

“Do I know him?” I asked, hoping deep inside it wasn’t someone I had to actually see Chris with every day of my life.

“I think so. He’s in your math class,” Chris mumbled. “His name is Andrew.”

In the back of my mind I recalled a quiet kid, usually at the back of the class. Brown hair and glasses. He didn’t seem like Chris’ type, but hell… Good for him then.

“Cool,” I answered.

“Really? That’s all you have to say?” Chris asked as he lifted his head to meet my eyes.

“Congratulations?” I asked, trying to be as much of a b***h as I could possibly be.

“You know what E.J? I feel like I don’t know you at all.”

“No you don’t,” I answered, standing up from the swing. This conversation was over as far as I was concerned.

Just as I was getting ready to walk away I felt Chris’ hand on my arm, gripping, pulling me back toward him. I found myself standing close to him. Hugging against his body, feeling the warmth of him slowly coming through my clothing.

“You’re a f*****g asshole E.J.” Chris said and with that he grab me by the neck and kissed me. Hard. His tongue was in my mouth before I could even register what was happening.

Gasps sounded up around me, restarting my brain that was standing still for a few moments there. I knew that someone there was more than enough kids still outside to see the argument and the kiss playing of in front of them. Without taking a second thought I pushed Chris. Hard. I watched him fall backwards, the swing bumping against his head as his back made contact with the ground, but I did not help him up like normal. Instead I did the one thing that I never thought I would ever do in my life.

“Stay away from me! Faggot!”

I could not believe the world had come from my mouth, but before I had a chance to apologize or help Chris a flying mass of red ran right into me, hitting me square in the stomach and making me fall backwards. It was as if I fell in slow-motion, looking up at the angry face of a kid, Andrew from math class.

“Leave him the f**k alone!” he yelled toward me, pushing his glasses back into place that must have slipped down his nose when he dived for me before he turned around and helped Chris up.

“Are you okay honey?” he asked, his voice cooing like it was filled with honey and cream toward Chris.

I didn’t bother to get up from the ground. Chris’ stare kept me there in any case, and that was nothing compared to the look I was getting from his new boyfriend, Andrew. Andrew’s eyes were flamed with hatred, telling me to stay down or else he was going to put me back there. Chris however broke my heart. The look he gave me spoke of sadness and heartbreak. I had finally managed to break his heart completely. I had managed to push away the one person who had truly cared for me.

I watched from the ground as people started clearing away from me, Chris and Andrew taking the lead with loads of kids walking behind them, saying encouraging things, stating that I was an asshole, which at this point I probably was. When there was nobody left to help me off the ground and I realized I had finally lost the last person that truly cared for me, I stood up and dusted the dirt from my clothes, almost as if dusting myself off I could dust away everything that had happened only minutes before.

“f**k them all,” I exclaimed loudly to the trees and the clouds that was still listening, making sure that they knew my heart was now made of stone. That nothing could hurt me anymore.

I skipped the rest of the school day, went home and hid beneath my bed with the jar of money that was my salvation to get away from this town, Chris, and above all, James…

***

Night had already fallen around me when I finally climbed out from under my bed, the tears on my cheeks nothing but dry streaks still holding on to what I had lost.

I had barely drawn the curtains when I heard the voices in the bottom of the house. I could not make out what was being said but a loud crash of something breaking made me curious enough to open my door just in time to see my mom in tears, storming past my room.

Shit. She was having a fight with James, which probably meant that I would pay for it later that night, although there was also a small flicker of hope inside me. What if they were fighting because of me? What if my mom finally found out what James has been doing to me? What if I didn’t have to rely on the money under my bed anymore? What would happen if she just packed her bags and we left tonight still, never to see him again?

My hope however left me the moment James stormed by my room, shouting at the top of his lungs, his face red as a tomato; “Come here you cheating b***h!”

For a minute I thought he had not seen me and I tried to close my door before he did, but it was to no avail. Just before my door could close he spun around and looked me straight in the eyes, daring me to say something. I felt the blood draining from my body. His eyes was giving a promise. A promise that I would pay for my mother’s sins.

As he turned around I closed the door and sank to the floor behind it, looking up at the sealing as the tears started running down my face. Tonight was the night he was going to kill me. I believed it with all my heart. He was going to rape me so badly that I would never be able to walk again. It would be better at this point just to kill myself. I would be better just to get the hell out of this world in a peaceful manner and in my own terms. I knew it, and still I barely had a chance to act on my thoughts as I heard a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I said as I wiped my eyes and crawled away from the door.

“Honey… Can I come in?” my mom asked as she opened the door, letting light into the otherwise dark room.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, picking myself up from the floor and falling down on the bed like nothing at all was wrong.

“We need to talk,” she said, and for a moment the flicker of hope was back in me. She knew. I knew that she knew. She was going to save me now. Within the next hour we would be packing and leaving James forever.

“I left James,” she said as she sat down at the end of my bed. “I met someone else a while ago. He’s a good man. That’s why I’ve been away so much.”

I could not believe my ears. My mom was cheating on James. She was actually leaving him. She was going to take us away from him forever. I can go to a new town where I can act like nothing ever happened.

“I’m leaving in a day or two. I’ve already booked tickets for Kyle and me,” she said, but something in her voice just wasn’t right.

“And me?” I asked. My voice sounded like that of a little boy without any confidence. Without any hope left, which was the exact way that I felt.

“I think you should stay here until the end of the school year. It would help make things a bit easier for James, and it would give you some time to say goodbye to your friends,” she said.

My sobs came naturally, ripping through my body as she held me close to her, hugging me in a tight embrace, whispering; “I know you love James and that you see him as a dad. I’m sorry that I’m taking you away from him, but he will always be a big part of your life.”