Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 11

I came home on a Monday afternoon. The sun was already setting and a pink tint was against the clouds as my mom brought the car to a halt in front of our house. I did find it odd that James wasn’t there with us in the car, but I didn’t ask any questions. In fact I didn’t say anything at all. Throughout the entire car ride there was this awkward silence where we even tried to keep our breathing as minimal as possible, trying to conserve the quiet atmosphere. Maybe she was thinking of all the work it would be to drive me to Doctor Abby twice a week. She still wanted to see me now that I had “opened up” to her. I was thinking off all the pills that I was prescribed. I liked that idea. Maybe a way for me to get what I desired without having to lay in a pool of blood where someone could find me.

Before I even had a chance to get out of the car my mom was beside me, opening the door for me, as if I couldn’t do it myself. She had a mysterious smile on her face as she led me to the front door. And then all of a sudden she stopped and looked at me.

“Open it,” she said.

Slowly I put my hand on the knob of the door, wondering why on earth I was to open the door if she didn’t even want me to open the car door by myself.

“SURPRISE!”

There was people everywhere. I didn’t know where to look through the burst of color that surrounded me as I walked into what used to be a living room, but now more resembled some colorful party area. James was there and Keith was sitting with a party hat on, playing with a toy car. Cyndi from school and a load of other faces I didn’t even recognize was there, and…

“Honey! Look how you have grown! And just wait until Adrian sees you!” My Aunt Sally brought me into a huge hug, which was especially huge coming from her. Her breasts alone covered my entire face as she held on to me, the fat of her arms pushing me further into her saggy body.

“Hmm… Thank… I think,” I mumbled as she let me go, but I didn’t have time to spend too much time thinking about Aunt Sally as I saw Chris standing in the corner.

Chris looked like he wanted to be anywhere in the world except here. He had his beanie drawn low over his forehead, only allowing a bit of his black hair to make an appearance. A look he saved for when he was at home, didn’t feel like doing his hair and didn’t want to be disturbed playing Skyrim. This was not the Chris that was ready for a party, but I didn’t have much time to think about that either since within minutes everybody wanted a piece of me. All I wanted was to go up to my room and lock the door, just getting away from everybody and getting some sleep. If I could get all my pills the sleep could even be permanent. But there was no chance of anything like that happening, so for the next two hours I made polite conversation to everybody around me, while they all ignored the reason why I was getting a welcome home party and Chris lurked somewhere in the background where I barely had a chance to see him, even though I wanted nothing more than having a word with him alone.

After about two hours the party started dying down as several of the guests left and my Aunt and Mom retired to the kitchen; probably to wash up the dishes. I left the party as well, heading for the bathroom as quickly as I could. I needed to talk to Chris but at the same time my bladder needed some relief really badly and as soon as possible.

As I struggled up the stairs I noticed that my limp was finally gone. Something of the past. It didn’t hurt anymore. I didn’t have much time to put thought into this, so I just continued to the bathroom as fast as my legs could carry me.

I did not expect any emotion as I entered the bathroom, but there I stood. In the place I was last, before I left this house and became another statistic of attempted suicide. The face staring back to me from the mirror looked different than the last time I saw it. It looked rested, but it looked tired all the same. The blue in my eyes had turned to grey as if they had started to die. If the eyes were the windows to the soul, did that mean that my soul was dying as well? Not having bags under my eyes didn’t mean that I was ready to take on the world again. It only meant that my body was okay for now, but inside I was still a mess. I was still tired. I still wanted to die.

Just as I wanted to open the door to leave the scene where I could imagine myself laying in a pool of blood, the life force slowly slipping from my veins, the door opened.

“Here you are,” he said, a smile gleaming on his face.

I didn’t say a word as he entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I could only imagine the filthy images that was going through his head, but I knew there was nothing he could do about it now. Not with a house full of people. It would be impossible for him and me to stay in this bathroom too long without anybody noticing.

“I missed you,” he said as he pulled me into a hug. I could feel my body contract and spasm up in his arms, but I could not push him away. I was petrified on the spot.

“I missed you every single night,” he whispered as he leaned in closer to my ear. “But I will make up for everything tonight. I promise.”

“No,” I said. It was barely a whisper, but he heard it.

“What did you say?” James asked as he pushed me away from him. He was still only barely a meter away from me as he whispered: “You had a lot of attention today. Tonight it’s my turn.”

I stood there, not knowing what other way there was to defend myself. I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to a pervert who was commanding you to be his s*x slave for the night, while you knew that nobody would listen if you did speak up about it? I could only imagine my mother if I were to tell her what he had done to me. She would think exactly the same as what Chris thinks. That I am in love with him. That I wanted it. That I was trying to maybe even steal her husband away from it.

James must have saw the look in my face, knowing that he was the victor, because he smiled and walked out the door without another word, leaving me standing on the spot where he left me, wishing more than ever before that the last time I was in this bathroom was really the last time.

“You enjoy your chat with lover-boy?” I heard from the door that James had left ajar. I didn’t need to look up to know who was talking, still I looked up.

“i***t,” I mumbled as I pushed past Chris and made my way toward my room.

“E.J!” I heard his footsteps follow me into my room where I fell down on my bed face down. “Please, just make me understand.”

I heard him close the door behind him, his feet moving over the carpet and the bed where he took a seat near my feet.

“Make you understand what?” I asked, my voice muffled by the pillow I drew closer to my body, trying to find some kind of comfort from somewhere.

“Why him? He’s old. I just don’t get it.”

I could hear the sadness in Chris’ voice. I could feel him wanting to get closer to me, but luckily he stalled himself.

“Why didn’t you come see me in the hospital?” I asked. If he loved me so much, where was he for the week I was away?

“I was there,” he answered.

“No you weren’t.”

“I was. Ask your mom. They didn’t want to let me in. Family only. Go, ask your mom. Do it behind my back.” The last part was almost a plea.

“Really?” I asked, lifting myself up from the pillow and working my body to prop my back against the wall, pulling my knees in closer, but still hugging the pillow.

“You scared the s**t out of me E.J.I thought I was going to lose you,” Chris said. I could see tears welling up in his eyes. “And I can’t stand the idea of losing you.”

Even with the pain I was feeling inside I wanted nothing more than to take Chris’ pain on myself so that he could be happy. He was a good guy. He deserved to be happy. He didn’t deserve someone like me. He didn’t deserve to have second-hand goods; a broken boyfriend.

“I can’t be with you Chris,” I whispered, although it broke my heart to say it. “I’m not gay.”

“But… James?”

I could see the confusion in his eyes. He wasn’t understanding a single word of what I was saying.

“I love you Chris… Don’t get me wrong. But I’m just not the guy for you. You are going to go out and find someone wonderful who loves being in a relationship with you. That person just isn’t me,” I said. With every word I had to swallow the lump in my throat, knowing that my tears were closer than anything. It was like I was breaking up with Chris without ever really being with him.

“Nobody can love you like I do…” Chris said, the tears beginning to show in the corners of his eyes. “What are you going to find if I find someone? If you don’t like a relationship?”

“I don’t know. But it’s a chance I am willing to take,” I answered, still trying my best to keep the tears at bay. I knew I wasn’t just saying no to his offer of being my boyfriend. I was saying no to so much more. I was breaking off the friendship with a few words, here in my bedroom where the memory would linger forever. But I had to set him free. I needed him to find someone whole. Someone who would be worthy of his love and not just another boy who has already been used and broken. He deserved better.

“Please E.J. It sounds like you want to send me away. Like you don’t wanna be friends anymore,” Chris pleaded.

“Could you ever be friends with me without wanting more?” I asked.

“Yes! God E.J. yes! I can. I promise,” Chris pleaded. “Please don’t do what you’re thinking of doing.”

“I’ve made up my mind. When you leave tonight I don’t want you to come over again,” I said but this time I could not hold the tears back anymore. A sob ripped through my body as I said: “You’re better than this. Just go please.”

“E.J. No! I won’t let you do this.”

“It’s not your decision,” I said. “Now please go. I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

Chris remained on the bed as I turned away from him, burying my face in my pillow, crying as silently as I could, keeping my face hidden so that I did not have to see him walk out of my room and out of my life.

After a few minutes I finally felt the release on the bed as he stood up and walked over to the door. Still I kept my face hidden.

“E.J?”

I looked up to meet Chris’ eyes where he stood in the door, tears staining his face.

“Call me when you feel better. I promise I will be there when you’re ready to be friends again.”

With those words he left my room and closed the door on me. Closed the door on us. I allowed myself to cry myself to sleep, and when I finally woke up he was already on top of me, pinning me down on the bed. For the first time I didn’t try to fight it. I just pushed my face deeper into the pillow as he pulled my hair and pushed deep into me. I just laid there rocking in pain until he filled me up with his satisfaction.

As I turned around, wanting to see and make sure he left my room, he dropped a fifty dollar note on my naked stomach with a smile before he walked out of the room.

As I pushed the money into my pillowcase under my head I smiled. I had finally taken my f**k like a man.