Behind Drawn Curtains

Chapter 6

I remember one day when I was twelve years old. It was a sunny Friday afternoon and Chris and I were chasing each other around outside.

“Catch me if you can!” Chris yelled in laughter as he ran behind a tree, not knowing that I was planning on cutting him off on the other side.

When I grabbed on to him he didn’t try and get away like usual. He grabbed me back and hugged me really tight.

“You’re the most special person in the world,” Chris exclaimed, hugging me even tighter and making me aware that he was half a head longer than me. “I’m glad that you’re my friend.”

I didn’t feel I deserved him. I didn’t feel special. I felt used and broken.

I didn’t smile back to him as he looked down to me, the laugh still spread over his face. I suggested that we go inside and watch a movie. I still can’t remember what movie it was. I was just sitting there thinking that if I was really that special someone would have saved me by now.

James came home late that night. The pizza that I ordered for Chris and I was already cold and Chris’ mattress was already in front of my bed when he came into my room without knocking.

“There you are,” James exclaimed. The warm fatherly smile he reserved for when there was people around plastered on his face. “And Chris. I didn’t know you were still coming over?”

“Hi James,” Chris said, a smile on his face. He liked James. I could see why. James was always good company to others. Always putting his best face on for the people who didn’t know him the way I did. “Yeah, I came over earlier.”

“That’s good. E.J. really enjoys your company,” he said with a warm smile and then walked all the way into my bedroom, planting himself on the bed beside me, putting a package in a brown bag down next to him. “So what have you guys been up to today?”

“Just playing some League of Legends,” Chris said, sparing me to have to answer.

“That sounds nice boys. Well, I won’t keep you guys too long. Just wanted to come and give you this,” James said whilst pushing the packet over to me.

I took it. Chris and James both had their eyes on me, waiting for me to open the package although I wanted nothing more than to throw it at James, no matter what it was.

I opened the packet to reveal the latest iPhone model on the market. Although it was something that I had wanted for several months now it felt heavy as lead in my hand. I could feel it burning in my hand. Shouting out to me. Reminding me of the pain and humiliation I had to go through to be rewarded with it.

“Wow!” Chris exclaimed, much more excited than me about my new phone.

“Do you like it?” James asked, his sick smile threatening to go right around his head.

“Thanks,” I said trying my best to muster a smile and rather to make it look like I was speechless by this seemingly generous gesture from my stepfather, instead of doing what I really wanted to do and throw the damn thing out of the bedroom window.

“Well, I won’t keep you boys,” James said as he stood up and walked toward the door. “Don’t stay up too late now. Growing boys need their sleep.”

“Night James!” Chris said in his usual happy voice, still in awe of my amazing stepfather buying me expensive presents even when it wasn’t Christmas or my birthday.

“Night,” I muttered under my breath, still not able to take my eyes of the p*****t for the most pain I had ever had in my life.

“Night boys,” James said and closed the door behind him, leaving both Chris and me staring at the box holding the phone, both speechless for very different reasons.

“James really is awesome. I wish I had a stepfather like that,” Chris broke the silence just as I threw the box with its contents into my nightstand drawer. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

“No,” I said and positioned myself again, ready to continue playing our game.

“Don’t you like it?” Chris asked with a concerned frown on his face.

“No.”

“You’re seriously weird dude,” Chris said, but he didn’t ask any further questions as he got ready to get back on his laptop again.

“E.J!!! E.J!!! Wake up!” Chris’s voice broke the screams coming from my mouth. Out of instinct I tried to get away from his hand on my shoulder, trying to wake me. I bumped my head against the wall behind me in an attempt to put as much space between me and Chris as what I possibly could.

It took me a few seconds to realize I was in my room and that James wasn’t anywhere near me and the big red thing inside me was nothing more than just a dream. Not real. It was only me. And Chris. Just the two of us alone in the dark room.

“Chris?” I asked, just to make sure it was just him.

“Yeah… Dude, are you okay?” he asked, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark I could see the worry on his face as he sat on the edge of my bed.

“What happened?” I asked, still disorientated from the sleep.

“You woke me up by screaming. I tried to wake you,” Chris said, his hand coming back to rest on my shoulder. A comforting feeling to know someone was trying to comfort me.

“Sorry… Bad dream…” I muttered.

“What was it about?” Chris asked, his eyes still looking worried in the moonlight that came through the window.

“Dunno… Can’t remember,” I said, but it was a lie. I could still smell James. I could still feel his hands over my body. I could still see the red thing coming closer and closer, vibrating violently as he pushed it inside me.

“Are you sure?” Chris asked.

“Yeah… I just… I dunno… I just got scared of something…” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I’ll just go back to sleep.”

“Okay… Do you mind me closing the curtains?” Chris asked, standing up from the bed.

For a moment I felt a panic. James always closes the curtains just before he…

“Yeah. Sure,” I answered, remembering that Chris prefers a darkened room.

I sank back into bed, turning my back toward Chris, hoping that I could maybe get some sleep now. James didn’t come to wake me. I already had my nightmare. The rest of the night should go smoothly. Then I felt the bed give way behind me. I could feel the covers being lifted behind me. My breath started racing. This was it. Chris drew the curtains shut. He was ready to take what he came for. I was just about to protest when he draped his arm around me and pulled me close so that I could feel his body heat and also feel that he was completely clothed.

“I’ll just hold you a bit until you fall back asleep. I know I hate being alone after I had a nightmare,” he whispered, putting me at ease.

“Why do you like me?” I asked, thinking back to what he said at school in the toilet cubicle.

“Because you’re special,” he whispered back. I could almost hear the smile forming on his lips as he said it.

“I’m not,” I whispered into the pillow, hoping that he would not hear, but he did.

“Yes you are E.J. You are the most special person I have ever met.”

I laid there with my eyes open, hearing Chris’s breathing get heavier and heavier with every passing minute. This was a feeling I wasn’t used to. Someone holding me. Like they wanted to keep me safe from everything and everyone in the world. Not a hold that was possessive or suggested that they wanted something. It was just peaceful. And happy… Yes. Happy was the word. Weirdly I felt happy with Chris sharing his warmth with me. That was when I made the decision.

“You still awake?” I asked.

“Hmm?” I could hear he was already halfway asleep.

“Do you want to have s*x?” I asked.

“What?”

Something in what I said caught his attention, because he immediately drew back his arm from around me and sat up right in the bed.

“Say that again?” he asked.

“Do you want to have s*x with me?” I asked again, sure that he would say yes and then I would finally know who Chris really was.

“I thought you were straight?” he countered my question with a question.

“I don’t know…” I answered, and truly I didn’t know. I never really gave any relationship much thought accept for the relationship where I was being used and abused every single night.

“Look… E.J… It’s not like I want to reject you…” I could hear he was trying to choose his words very carefully, thinking about every single one before he spoke.

“I just… Well, I just told you I like you, and why don’t we just kinda start from there? Maybe we could just cuddle for now?”

I could not believe what I was hearing. Chris was actually saying no to s*x.

“So you don’t want s*x?” I asked again.

“I’m a seventeen year old boy. Off course I want s*x,” Chris said. “But I also really like you, and you mean a lot to me, and I would rather want to build something special with you than basing it all on s*x. And if I had to choose between s*x and having something really special with you, then I choose the latter.”

“Thanks,” I said.

For a while not a word was spoken, and then Chris wormed himself back into bed and placed his arm around me once more. Keeping me both safe and warm.

“You’re weird,” Chris whispered into my ear. I could feel a shudder running down my spine.

“I thought you said I was special?”

“Yeah. That. And weird.”

For a moment I had a sudden urge to turn around and kiss him, but it felt better to just lay here with his arm keeping me from harm, and the warmth of his body distracting me from the pain in mine. So I just pushed my fingers through his and squeezed his hand really tight. He squeezed back, and it was the most amazing feeling I had ever had in my life. For the first time I had butterflies. Not from a kiss. Not from thinking about s*x or perving over a guy or girl. Just because he squeezed my hand. For me it was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever done for me.

I could feel a sadness building up inside me. This was the way I should be feeling all the time. I should always feel safe and warm and full off butterflies. And even though I knew Chris wasn’t asleep yet I could not hold it any longer. When the first tear of sadness slipped from my eye I could not hold it any longer and I allowed the flood to come. I could feel the sob ripping from inside me to get out of me.

“E.J?” I heard Chris’s voice, concerned.

I could not answer him. My throat was swelled shut while tear after tear was streaming over my face. I thought about how it should have happened. Even if it all ended up the same but without James, this is what it should have been like. I should have gotten butterflies. Then we would have kissed, and one day I should have been excited to have s*x with someone I really loved. It was supposed to be special and perfect. There should have been candles and rose petals and maybe even champagne. Isn’t that what everybody says it is all about? We should have first gone to see a movie and taken a walk in the park. We should have stared into each other’s eyes and he should have gone slowly with me, not wanting to hurt me. And now all of that was forever taken away from me. None of it would ever happen for me. I would never have the special and romantic first time. Every time that anyone would ever try to touch me I would smell his cologne and feel that red thing vibrating in me, and feel the pain as he thrusts himself into me. I would never be normal and no matter what Chris might have said I would never be special. I would always be the broken, used, second-hand guy that nobody deserves to put up with.