Big girls don't cry (Guardians of Red Moon city #1)

8. Desire to die

Aleida's POV

    Oh, moon goddess... I'm stuck in the void again. But this time, it's a different kind of void. I don't have any ability to see my happy memories. The only thing I can see and feel is every bad thing that ever happened to me.

    The first time Jonathan hurt me and made me start to be afraid to cry, fearful of being seen or feel weak. I don't have the ability to be sad and cry anymore, because I know that Jonathan is right. Every time they told me that big girls don't cry, it wasn't at all with the same love as my parents once used when they told me the same thing.

    My father was hard on me when we trained, and when I cried, he always said that to me. The big difference is that when he said those words, there was love behind them. When Jonathan or anyone else said it, it was always with anger and disgust.

    The weird thing is that I don't know why they hate me so much as they do. I never did anything to them and never spoke with anything less than respect towards my elders. I was raised to be polite and to respect others, so why?

    Why did they always treat me like I forced them to give me the world, while all I wanted was to be loved at least one more time in my life? I used to be a caring and loveable character; now, I don't care anymore after I have to relieve all this pain. Not in the slightest. How can I care about others when all they do is hurting me?

    Once again, I get dragged inside my dark mind. Every punch, every harmful word, and all the disgust towards me wash over me once more. I don't know what happens, but this is all I can fell in this dark void; no one saves me; I can only feel how both my anxiety and depression grow deep inside my chest.

    I know that I'm not in the real world; my connection with my body is gone, and I'm starting to get scared that I never will come back to reality. I still can't understand the pain and anger I feel towards those who have done nothing but help me. Why did I say that they killed my family?

    I can't know if it's the truth, since it was Jonathan and Cathrine who told me this. And even if it was, why haven't this pack killed me already? Since I'm a big part of my parents and have powers I still can't find, they probably should have. I can feel them sometimes though, deep inside, growing.

    I don't want to be here anymore, why can't I make it stop? Why isn't anybody trying to help me? How long can I survive inside my own dark mind that pains me with every single passing second? I don't even know how long I've been here; a minute, an hour, a day, a week, months, or years? I don't even know anymore.

    All I know is that I seriously can't take this anymore. My biggest desire now is to die; my mind is slowly killing me anyway, so why do I feel reluctant to let go? Something is holding me back, and I can't understand what it possibly can be. Am I afraid of dying? No, I'm so much more fearful of living. Sparks, sparks in my whole body! What the hell is this?

Miliano's POV

    My eyes open slowly, and I try to get used to the light inside my bedroom; the light is seeping through my blinds. I sigh and sit up in my bed with my head in my hands; I can feel my fingers tingle. The same makes an appearance in the back of my mind.

    I sit up straight, concentrate, and tries to open up the sudden connection. Seconds turn to minutes, and I come up with nothing. The tingling keeps spreading throughout my body, and I can't open any link to who ever it is trying to contact me. 

Go to her. I jump when I hear my wolf inside my head.

What, who? I ask, and he chuckles lightly at me.

You know who Milo, go to mate.

She needs her rest, and we shouldn't disturb her...

    It is hard for me to be in the same room as Aleida. I know that Ryan knows it too, since he's a part of me and feel what I feel. He sighs.

Okay, you are too dumb to understand, so I'm just going to spell it out for you. It's mate who is trying to contact us without even knowing about our connection to her.

Hey! Could you not call me dumb you-? Wait, what did you say?

Go to her; she's trying to talk to us.

    I jump up from my bed and run to the hospital. I mindlink both the older woman and my beta, telling them to meet me there.When I get there, they're already inside; I quickly explain what my wolf had said while walking towards her room. They gasp after I'm done talking. I can see in their faces that they don't know what to make of this information.

"I've never heard of such thing..." the woman says while thinking.

"Me neither, but it's worth a try, right?" Killian asks, and we nod our heads in unison. 

    Inside the room, she lays there, sleeping. I told the nurses to give her sedative to make the force inside her to sleep to. I was not too fond of the thought about the power, the woman, being in control of my mate's body and mind. I sit down at the chair beside her bed. I caress her forehead softly and smile at her.

"Hello, baby girl, how are you today? We were hoping you could wake up and come back to us. We miss you; I miss you..." I say with a quiet and broken voice; Killian and the woman, who's name is Ramilda by the way, puts their hands on my shoulders. 

"We will try to transfer power from our wolves and bodies into you, so you have enough to contact her," Ramilda says; I nod and smile at her.

    With a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to concentrate. I can feel something blocking me but keeps on forward. It pains me suddenly, and the connection almost disappear when I can hear Ramilda tell me;

"I know it hurts alpha, but don't give up, keep on going! You're almost there, and she's awaiting you".

    Her words make me rush forward in my mind, and suddenly I'm in a dark void, surrounded with memories of pain. I can sense her before I can see her. She sits in the corner, shaking her head back and forth; she looks miserable.

"Baby girl?" I ask, and she looks up at me, startled.

"W-who are you?" she asks me, terrified.

"I'm Milo, remember?" I ask her, she scrunches up her nose, and it looks like she's thinking very hard; what a beautiful sight.

"I don't know..." she whispers and sighs with defeat.

"Oh, but I think you do, baby," I say and walk up to her, sit down slowly in front of her and gaze at her confused expression. "You are my mate, love." 

"No, I don't have a mate and never will," she says and slowly shakes her head; her words wound me deeply.

"I promise you that I am. I saved you from your alpha, remember?" I ask her hesitantly, and realization finally shines in her bright cerulean eyes. 

"I remember the incident with Jonathan, but not you telling me I'm your mate."

"Because I never did."

"Why?"

"I never got the chance. You woke up and was terrified of us one moment, and then the other, you were furious. I didn't think it was the best moment to tell you," I answer, and she looks down on her hands, ashamed of how she had been behaving.

"It's okay, baby. You had a lot of emotions inside of you, and you didn't know how to control it."

"That's not true."

"What do you mean?" I ask, perplexed.

"I don't know how to explain it. You're going to think I'm crazy..."

"Nothing that you tell me will make me think that you're something that you are not."

"I felt like a bystander. I didn't control my body, and it wasn't me telling those things. It was like... Like I was forced to do and say things that I didn't want to say or do," she answers quietly with a silent tear falling her cheek; I give her a small smile and wipe the tear away.

"We need to talk."

"About what?" she asks.

"There's someone else inside your body that controls you."

"Oh, I already know that," she says, and I look at her stunned.

"How did you know that?" I ask, perplexed, and she smiles big at me.

"I may be in this void, but I'm not stupid. I can feel the darkness that surrounds me here, and I know that it's not really me."

"Oh."

"How can you speak to me, anyway? Don't tell me that you're trapped here with me also?" she asks worriedly to which I chuckle.

"No, baby girl. I could feel you try to contact me."

"But, I didn't."

"Maybe not you, but your wolf did."

"I don't have a wolf yet," she says, ashamed.

"Oh, but you do, baby, you just are suppressing her. She's waiting for you to open up your mind to her; she really wants to speak to you. She's a part of you and always will be," I answer but regret it quickly; oh goddess, now she looks guilty.

"I-I didn't know."

"It's okay. You're young; you can't know everything," I say, smiling down at my beautiful mate. 

    Even when we are sitting down, I'm a lot taller than her. She's so little and fragile when she sits here with me, vulnerable and emotional. Still, her aura is vital and everything but weak.

"How long am I going to be here?" she asks.

"That's totally up to you, honey," I answer, and she looks at me perplexed.

"What do you mean?"

"It's your fear that keeps you here, backing away from the real world. It's your fight, and you are losing the battle right now. You can work your way back, and I know that you can do it".

"But... I don't know-how," she whispers sadly.

"You can do it; I know you can. You have to come back to me, I've looked for you for many years, and I'm not ready to let you go," I say with a broken voice, to which Aleida puts her hand at my cheek, and I nuzzle into it.

"I will do everything I can," she says with a smile playing at her lips.

    Suddenly someone or something lifts Aleida in the air and throws her into the wall opposite the dark, cold room. I can hear her back hit the wall with a crackle. I look up, startled, and get scared when I see the sight in front of me.

"Hello, my love, have you missed me?" the cold voice asks me.

"Hailey," I growl at her, and she gives me a menacingly laugh.

"Oh, darling, I've missed you. Soon we will be together, that's my promise to you. But right now, I have a battle to fight with this disgusting little creature," she says and snarls at Aleida. 

    She whips her hand in my direction, and she throws me out of Aleida's mind back to reality. The force is so strong that I get tossed out of my chair and down on the floor. Ramilda and Killian helps me up. 

"Did you..." I begin, and Ramilda smiles sadly at me.

"Yes, we saw what happened."

"We have to help her!" I growl.

"There's nothing we can do, alpha; this fight isn't our battle to fight. It's Aleida's."

"Can't you see something in your visions about her? About the future?" I ask, and she looks at me with sorrow.

"You know that I can't look inside the future; it can change the outcome completely."

"But you have done it before!"

"This is a hazardous situation, I can't do it this time, because if she's going to win and come back. Me looking into it can change everything; she might die if I do," she answers, and I slowly slide down the wall with my head in my hands.

"I know this is hard for you, but you have to keep strong for her."

"Is there nothing at all we can do?" Killian asks, looking frustrated and scared.

"Actually, it's one thing we can do," she says, walks up to Aleida and puts her hand at her shoulder. "We can channel our power to her," she says, both me and Killian hurry to her side; Killian puts his hand at her other shoulder.

"Put your hand on her heart, alpha," Ramilda says, and I look hesitantly at her.

"What?" I ask, she smiles at me, supportive.

"Your love for your mate, for everything she is, she needs to feel it," she answers calmly, and I put my hand over her heart; we stand there for what feels like hours until Ramilda backs away and sits down.

"Now what?" Killian asks her.

"Now, all we can do is wait."

    It's been hours since we channeled our power to Aleida, and nothing has happened. Unless you count her heart rate going up a few times, and her breathing is becoming heavier. Every time that happens, I run-up to her and kisses her forehead.

    When it happens again, I walk up to her and do the same that I've done every time. The difference is that now it doesn't work. Her heart rate continues to rise, and I can see how she's struggling inside herself to gain control. Her face shows pure pain and determination.

    Suddenly her heart rate stops entirely, and the room fills with the flat line noise. I realize that we've lost her. I sob against her neck and begs her to come back to me. 

"DON'T LEAVE ME BABY! I LOVE YOU, AND I NEED YOU," I scream, and my wolf is howling inside.

    I let out a devastating howl that echoes through the whole town. Both Ramilda and Killian are crying; I think this is the first time I've seen him cry. With a gasp, she throws me off her and looks around.

"Baby? Baby, you're back!"

    When she sees me, she only looks confused for a second before she falls into my arms. I sob again when she wraps her little arms around my neck, holding on for dear life.

"Have you missed me?" she asks, smiling which makes me start to sob harder; Aleida removes me from her shoulder and looks me straight in the eye. "My Milo."

A/N:

Hello everyone!

This book is currently in a editing process, I'll finish the process asap. Like I mentioned earlier, this book is going to raise some questions that you won't get answers to until the second or third book; both is released by the way. Don't give up hope just because it's a little confusing. While you're reading this, why not give me a comment when I work so hard for you guys? Lots of love!