You're To Blame

Lost And Found (2)

Chapter 2: Lost And Found (2)

***

The moment I walked through the door of the funeral hall, the surprised reaction of my family members was visible in their expression… I could see the mix of confusion and thinly veiled judgment when they saw me, but I ignored it.

After the funeral was done, I found myself just standing there… in the middle of the room, the spot where my dad died on a mattress on the floor that had now been thrown out.

I didn’t know how he died, whether it was his heart or an undiagnosed disease, there’s no way for anyone to know.. After finding out he died, I stayed in that small village for the rest of the week…

Not because I sleeked any kind of comfort from those around me but rather because I thought I had to, for the sake of the dead…

“You’ve barely been eating anything.” My mom remarked while glancing at my plate that stayed on my bed for a long while. I had intended to eat but then I completely lost appetite when I tried.

“I’m fine.” I said, it was an obvious lie to me, but I could tell she believed me…

This wasn’t how I wanted this summer to start for me but here I am… Meanwhile I decided to meet with some of my friends here in the neighboring city. Only when I was around them could I feel a bit more at ease… but I could never fully share what I was going through with them. Because I knew that no matter how much I tried to explain it, they wouldn’t be able to understand it…

We went to watch the movies, which didn’t interest me too much. The movie was called: ‘Hereditary Blindness’ and it starred some big name actor… But to me it all looked overrated, it was just another completely soulless, lazy cash grab on their part.

I want to be an actress… but the more time goes on, the more faraway that dream seems to be for me… I’m already 25 years old and by the time I hit 30 I wonder if they’ll even want me for any roles…

I’ve only had small commercial parts until now, and a role as an extra in a movie that never aired… You could almost say my career is as real as a ghost…

Because despite how much effort I put in, it’s probably never going to be enough for me to reach the level of fame I actually want…

“What are you looking all gloomy for? Did someone die?” My co-worker asked me, it had already been almost two weeks since my father’s funeral but I still wore the same expression on my face.

“Hah…” I chuckled a bit as I turned to her. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth, I didn’t see any point to that, I try hard to keep my work life and personal one separate as much as that was possible. “I just got lost in thought.” I excused myself and went to the back.

To say that I’m disturbed by my father’s death wouldn’t actually be true… I was more taken aback by my relatives and the way they behaved… There was a large quarrel about inheritance and then there was fighting about something else. I didn’t really pay enough attention to either of it to know what it was all about…

But in the same vain, I couldn’t completely ignore it either…

I felt like I couldn’t do anything for my father while he was alive… I couldn’t graduate university, I couldn’t become an actress, I couldn’t even buy him nice presents on his birthday… I can barely take care of myself day by day…

And yet I had these grand dreams of becoming famous and rich, where I could buy things for my dad and make him just a bit happier, make his life just a bit easier…

But he died before I could hope to achieve anything in this lifetime…

The only good thing in my life is my lover Bradley… however he’s out on a business trip for the past two weeks and I haven’t been able to get in touch with him.

That quote about not understanding how valuable something is until you lose it, I get it now, I understand it far too well…

“Exhausting…” I mumbled under my breath unknowingly. As I walked through the cold streets were most of the lamps on the street didn’t even work anymore. I saw someone in the distance.

Just as I was going to move to the other side of the street to avoid the strange person that looked like he was rummaging through the trash container, I suddenly stopped…

The man didn’t look homeless at all, in fact his entire appearance was far too well kept for that to be the case, and yet he was laying in the pile of trash like a cat that had been kicked out of its home.

“Hey, are you alright?” I called out to him, he looked strangely feminine for a man, but I could tell from his broad shoulders and height he was a dude… his hair was a bit on the longish side which definitely made him seem even more like a girl…

As he slowly opened his eyes to look at me, I was surprised by his long lashes, was that normal for guys?

“Where am I even?” He asked looking confused, he then turned on his side and hugged a trash bag filled with God knows what as he closed his eyes again.

“Hey, you shouldn’t be sleeping there!” I called out to him again, the weather had been threatening to rain all day and now it finally did. The downpour was hard but it still didn’t seem to wake up this sleeping person.

Any normal person in my position would just leave him alone and walk away… However… that day I don’t know what really came over me that I did what I did…

I brought him home…

“Sorry for intruding…” It took a while but the man woke up and took a shower. I on the other hand just sat there blinking for a while. Now that he was walking around in just the loosely fitted bathrobe, I could see his skin that looked far too smooth to be that of a man.

“Do you remember who you are and where you live? I can drive you back if you give me the address.” I suggested, I had a rundown car that barely still worked so usually I walked everywhere. But even I wasn’t going to force this person to walk in the pouring rain in the middle of the night by himself. Besides, although he was tall, he looked skinny and somewhat fragile even…

When I took him back to my apartment, he rested and the next day left without saying a word… no thank you, no nothing… I still can’t get over how although I left him the huge bed I had, he circled up in a ball at the very edge of it… As if that’s the only space he was allowed to have…

But after he left… so did my lover Bradley as he broke up with me via text…

“This…” I stared down at the screen in disbelief, I tried calling him again and again but there was no response. I didn’t have any means of finding him either. I was desperate, sad and alone…

Exactly what did I do to deserve this?

I couldn’t understand but I didn’t even have the leisure and luxury of time to even try to understand it…

***

“You’re in a bad mood today as well? You need to start cheering up or the guests won’t feel welcomed!” My manager snapped me out of my daze.

“I will do my best… sorry…” I apologized again, it was all I really knew how to do. Each day feels like a pain… it’s repetitive, stiff and unchanging… boring… suffocating…

“Alright, but try harder! There will be an inspection today and I need everyone to be on their best work mode ever!” My manager was enthusiastic and demanding as ever. Most of her words don’t make sense to me, so I guess it’s fine…

I worked for the rest of the day as per usual, there wasn’t anything particularly interesting that happened either… it was all the same as ever… Up until after my shift was over…

“Good work everyone! The inspection went well because of you… well… I do need to have a word with Janice… if you will, in my office…” She gave me a warning glance while still trying to keep up with her cutesy façade.

“Yes, ma’am…” I followed after her.

“Is there something bothering you? You’re being awfully gloomy.” She asked me, I’d heard that question a million times before and yet.

“Has my work been bad?” I asked her.

“No, but your face looks like s**t… you need to take better care of yourself and smile more. Clients don’t like seeing miserable waitresses…” She pointed out.

“I don’t care.” I replied.

“You should, your job depends on caring.” She crossed her arms looking disappointed.

“Then I quit.” I told her while putting my apron on her desk.

“No, don’t quit, we’re severely understaffed at the moment-” She stopped me.

“Then let me be.” I warned her.

My manager looked bewildered for a few seconds then regained her senses… “…..fine, go back, but fix your attitude.”

“Right.” I nodded.

My attitude… I don’t really know how to fix anything in my life right now, much less that…

As I head back home there is this little cat that’s always sitting in the same place. It had all black fir with white spots… I knelt down to pet it each time I walk past it…

It was the only thing that kept me sane at this point… seeing that cute little cat’s face all happy when I pet or feed it…

I couldn’t take the cat home though since I’m not allowed pets in the apartment I rent out… but one day I’m sure I will be able to take it with me and raise it properly…

If I don’t fall apart completely before that…