Freaking Romance in Progress (Tagalog)

Prologue

As I grow older, I've come to realize that happiness and contentment can't be attained through living with fortune and blithe enjoyment.

I thought I am living the most of my life, spending it with full confidence and smiles. But when welcomed by predicament, we are destroyed in an instant. 

"I'm scared," I whispered unintentionally.

"Why?" He caressed my hair.

"I-I'm too happy... to the extent that it felt it's getting out of control. I don't think... I deserve to be happy. Sa dami ng nangyari at sariwa pa ang mga 'yon. I was in so much pain in a minute and very happy the next. I-Is that even... possible?"

"Dang it," he whispered to himself. "Is that what you're thinking all this time?"

"I don't know. Pakiramdam ko, hindi normal na bigla akong masaya..."

Happiness and contentment can be felt only after the rain. After conquering the storm and the row of life. That is the challenge that everyone should accept and face in order to be deserving of that genuine happiness.

"Listen..." He brushed his hair with his hand when the wind disarrayed it then put the hand back to my shoulder.

Marahan siyang umiling. "There's nothing wrong with that. Everybody deserves to be happy and I earned a lot just to make you finally feel it... So please, never ever say you don't deserve it, Coleen. It's an insult to me because I know it's otherwise..."

Looking at him frustrated about my opinion to my own feelings right now, I suddenly feel ashamed of myself. Naintindihan ko iyon. He did every possible measures just to obtain on making me feel this way. And now, here I am, questioning myself if I deserve this happiness.

"Karapat-dapat kang mahalin at alagaan, Coleen... It's your right to be happy. And it's my pledge to see that." He shook his head in disbelief. "I know you have issues right now because of what you've experienced with him but... I'm not him."

He smiled weakly. "I'm not stupid, Coleen. But maybe I am," he chuckled a bit and grinned. "That's when I chose to still love you by the way."

Hindi na matatagpuan ang kasiyahan sa materyal na mga bagay at magaang pamumuhay. You can catch yourself smiling for unknown reason as you appreciate the beauty of life after the hell of it.

In my case, I neglected to appreciate the small things people are doing for me as I chase for my own self-made happiness that I thought is good for me.

I was too blinded and naive to romanticize harmless toxicity with love. When in fact, people should never romanticize even the harmless toxicity with love. Because love itself is already romantic; it shouldn't be romanticized anymore.

Isang araw nang kumatok ako sa isang kaibigan para lang mahikayat ang sarili na karapat-dapat nga akong sumaya matapos ang lahat ng kasalanan ko, a part of me tells me how stupid I am for doing that.

"Of course you deserve to be happy. What made you doubt it?"

Napailing ako at natawa nang mahina. "I just want to confirm. Maybe I was too happy that I think it's too good to be true... Para bang... hindi na karapat-dapat sa akin."

A long stretch of silence reigned the whole living area. The silence was comforting but I was startled when my friend cut it off.

"Nasanay ka kasi na tine-take for granted noon."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. He folded his arms against his chest and his jaw obviously clenched.

"I can't blame you for doubting your happiness, Coleen. Some immature bastard treated you like s**t. Almost half of your life, you were chasing for the wrong person who made you happy because... he's happy." He shrugged. "Now that someone's making you happy no matter how it'll affect him, talaga ngang nakakapanibago iyon. Pabor man sa kanya o hindi, para lang sa kapakanan mo. Isa pa..." bitin niyang wika at sumulyap muna sa akin upang tanawin ang aking reaksiyon.

I didn't interrupt him. He smiled.

"You're questioning your worth for it because you're guilty it's too late for you to notice his sacrifices... just to plaster a smile on that face," he continued after poking my nose. "Are you really doubting your happiness? Or are you questioning your worth for his sacrifices?"

My lips parted as I felt that he just hit a particular spot on my mind. Tila ba naisatinig na ang matagal ko nang pinapangalanan.

"H-How can you say that?" was all I could ask.

Napailing siya, animo'y hindi makapaniwala sa aking tanong.

"I was always at your back, little girl. I was there when you were just too focused on what's ahead of you. But unlike you, I saw what was behind the scenes."

He may be right. I was too preoccupied and oblivious. Matagal nang nasa harapan ko, sinusubukan ko lang talikuran dahil tuliro sa sariling nararamdaman.

"Noong unang beses nating makasalubong ang grupong iyon sa grocery, malayo pa lang ay siya na ang napansin kong may kakaibang pagtingin sayo. And believe me, if glare could kill someone, that someone would be me the way he shifted his eyes towards me."

Before going to the kitchen, he put his palm at the top of my head and ruffled my hair before smiling at me.

"No pressure, Coleen... But you're a damn lucky girl to have someone like him."

My lips protruded. Slowly, a smiled crept on my lips as an image of him automatically popped up on my mind.

"Baka pa sabihin mo may favoritism ako, señorita, a! In my defense, I didn't mention a name," he said then smirked. "But whoever comes on your mind first, surely, he's someone who's making you happy now."

Wait... what?

My lips parted as I followed him with my eyes when he left me dumbfounded.

Surely, I failed to see the reality in the hopes of finding my fantasy in a form of a man. I neglected to see my true happiness as I chased for it, taking what's already before me for granted.

Who would've thought that someone could dedicate his own life for a nonsensical pledge? A promise to fulfill his one and only pledge. To make me happy and contented...

He put my hopeless freaking romance in progress through teaching me that love and happiness are almost interchangeable.

You can't be happy without love in your heart. And it is not love when you're not happy anymore after several times of fixing, hoping to find remedy for it, but still non-progressive.

"Never ever pull me out of your options, Coleen... I'm so damn tired being just your Plan B. And choosing me won't hurt, sweety... Please. Try doing it sometimes..."

This is a story about my two ironies and faces of love. On how I conquered dilemmas in amidst of love, and how I found love in amidst of dilemmas.