Jane Doe - Dead or Alive

Chapter 2 – Surviving

Jane’s POV

When Laura left, 'She' told Johny to take care of me. 'She' didn’t mean kindly. Jake and Josh sulked.

‘Why can’t we do it?’ they whined.

‘You want to help?’ She asked, a glint in her eye that frightened me.

Why would they want to hurt me? Johny never wanted too, he had no choice.

‘Yes!’ they said in unison, excited at the prospect.

‘Ok, go on then. Johny, let your brothers help’

They took me down to the basement and took it in turns to kick me. Jake and Josh didn’t physically hurt me so much, they were children and not strong.

But my body was weak and malnourished. I bruised easily but the excitement they held as they each took blows, would scare me indefinitely.

It may not have hurt that time, but as they got older, they used me as a punching bag. Johny distanced himself as much as he could. She thought Johny was a little weak, but she never scolded him for it, he always did what she asked, and he never held back to save me from the infliction he caused.

Jake and Josh, on the other hand, revelled in hurting me. Sometimes even doing it without having to be asked. She took pride in her boys. Jake and Josh, though, they were the golden boys. They could do no wrong.

When I was 11 and started High school, nothing had changed. I kept to myself and studied as hard as I could. I wasn’t allowed to stay after school to study, nor did I have access to books or the internet at home, so I started to fall behind.

When She received a phone call at the end of the school year to say I was failing school and She needed to attend a meeting at the school to discuss my progress, She was raging.

‘DO BETTER!’ she screamed in my face ‘I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS, FOR YOU!’

I wondered why she kept me around at all.

That night, she gave Jake and Josh a belt. I had never felt searing pain like it in my life. They were only 9 and 7, but I had to take the rest of the week off school to recover.

I wasn’t allowed medical care. So, the wounds healed funny, and the scares left welts on my back.

It was the first time they had used anything other than their fists. But it wasn’t the last.

When I returned to school, after the summer holidays, a new boy had started, and he was sat by me in registration. We were both just 12 years old but lived in entirely different worlds.

‘Hi, I’m Jason’ he smiled wide, a boyish grin, dimples on show. His perfectly white teeth gleaming, his wavy blonde hair flopped in his deep blue eyes briefly before he tucked it behind his ear.

I smiled shyly and nodded before turning away.

‘Don’t bother mate, she doesn’t speak! She’s a mute’ Someone in the back of the class shouted out.

‘A trampy Mute at that’ one of the girls giggled ‘She stinks, don’t sit there, or you’ll need a peg for your nose!’

The whole class erupted in laughter as Mr. Higgins walked in to take registration.

‘I don’t think you smell’ he whispered in my ear before turning his attention to the front of the class.

I didn’t say a word.

He lied; I did smell but I was grateful for the kindness he showed me.

As usual, as my name was called out, instead of saying ‘Here Sir’ like the rest of the class, I just put my hand up.

We left the form room and I heard him ask one of the other kids, ‘Is she really a mute?’

‘Dunno, she never speaks, I’ve never heard her talk once’

‘What was her name?’

‘Jane’

Then they were gone.

Jason didn’t ever stop sitting by me in class. He always spoke to me, despite me not speaking back, he was kind and I liked him. But I couldn’t afford to let him get to close.

At first, She liked it that I didn’t speak. When the school questioned my dwindling voice, she beat me. But then she decided she liked it this way. So, she told me never to speak again. She told the school I had selective mutism and severe anxiety, which technically wasn’t a lie.

They accepted this with little argument, and I was never made to speak again. So, I didn’t. Over the years I had lost my family, friends, dignity, self-respect and now my voice. I wasn’t living. I was surviving.

I wasn’t really bullied at school, which surprised me. I wondered if it was because of my brothers. They were a force to be reckoned with. But if I was honest, I think if I had been bullied, they wouldn’t have cared.

The kids in school weren’t wrong. I did smell, the only time I got to shower was at school after gym. But not wanting to show people my body or my scares in the open shower block, I rarely took the opportunity.

Only when P.E was last lesson, and everyone had left did I bother. And even then, I had no soap or shampoo. My hair was disgusting. I was late developing, and puberty didn’t hit me until I was a little older than most of the other girls.

I put this down too my lack of nutrition and was somewhat grateful I hadn’t started my period yet. When I did, I knew it would be horrendous. There was no way She would by me sanitary products. I feared how I would cope.

But then that fateful day happened. I was in school, and I headed to the nurse’s station. She gave me some sanitary towels, and that first day I was ok. But the days that followed panic set in and I needed to figure out how I was going to manage.  

I was 14 and did the only thing I thought I could. I went to the local shop on the way to school, with the intention of stealing what I needed. I hated the thought of taking something that wasn’t mine, but I had no choice.

I picked up the small box and hid it in my bag, as I looked up, I saw Jason staring at me wide eyed. s**t. Then I heard the cashier shouting.

‘Thief! Stop her!’

Jason grabbed my hand, and we ran, we ran so fast I felt sick, I could barely keep up in my emaciated state and as we turned another corner, I clutched my stomach and threw up.

‘Why. Did. You. Help. Me?’ I managed to choke out, breathless.

‘f**k, you can speak?’

‘f**k’

‘Jane. What the hell?’

‘we are going to be late for school. I can’t be late’

‘Fine, we will walk to school, and you can start talking. Now that I know you can’

I lied. I was good at it. I had had plenty of practice.

‘I don’t like to talk. I have anxiety’

‘And stealing?’

Now I couldn’t lie.

‘I didn’t want to. I had to’

‘What did you take?’

I didn’t want to show him. I was embarrassed. But he had just saved my ass. If She had found out I was staling, I don’t think I would have survived that beating.

‘This’ I took the box out of my bag and showed him.

Heat rising in my cheeks and tears threatening to leave my eyes. I didn’t know where they came from. I hadn’t cried in years.

‘Oh’

I put the box back in my bag.

‘You don’t have to talk in school. I won’t tell anyone. But you can talk to me. After school maybe?’

Why was he still being so kind?

‘I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go straight home after school’

‘Everyday?’

‘Yep’

‘But your brothers don’t, I see then all the time’

My eyes widened ‘You, you, don’t talk to them about me? Do you?’

I couldn’t help the fear that emanated through me. This is why I didn’t talk. I gave too much away.

‘s**t. Jane. Are you scared of your brothers?’

‘Jason. Please. I’ve said too much. Don’t ever talk to them about me. Ever. Please’

‘I won’t, I promise’

I believed him. He kept his promise. I was grateful.

However, he never gave up. I wouldn’t let him walk me home in case my brothers saw. But he tried.

‘Jason, you can’t. Please understand. It’s not safe’

‘Jane, this makes no sense. This isn’t right. I can help you’

‘No, you can’t. No one can. You will make it worse’

I left him standing on the school steps and walked home alone.

The following day at lunchtime he grabbed my hand as I came out of the classroom, and he took me into an empty class.

‘Jason, what are you doing?’ I couldn’t help the slight sound of fear enter my voice.

‘My friends call me Jase. So, you call me Jase. I may not be able to help you. But I can be your friend’

I smiled at his warmth and persistence ‘Thanks Jase, I haven’t had a friend in a long time’

His eyes looked at me with pity.

‘Don’t. Don’t pity me! Or this friendship will be over before it even started’ I scolded.

‘Sorry. Won’t happen again’ his sparkling eyes looked down and a hint or remorse was etched in his tone.

He had filled out a little over the last few years, even at 14 he had some descent muscle tone, and he was gorgeous. His jaw had squared slightly, and his dimples kept his cheeky boyish charm alive. All the girls wanted his attention, but he rarely gave it to them.

Over the next few months, we met up every lunch time, after we had eaten away from each other in the canteen. We did that, so no one knew we were friends, mainly my brothers. Then we walked separately and met in the same empty classroom.

 ‘Can I ask you something?’ he asked one day, several months later.

‘I guess, doesn’t mean I will answer you though’

He chuckled, I liked the sound of his laughter, he didn’t laugh enough ‘Do you get enough to eat?’

I laughed looking down at my scrawny body ‘Does it look like I get enough to eat Jase’

‘Uh, well no’

I pursed my lips together in a tight smile ‘Then that would be your answer’

‘Can I get you something else to eat?’

‘Lunch is the only meal I get. Free school dinners’ I shrugged.

His eyes widened in shock, and I knew I had said to much again.

‘Damn it. Me and my mouth. This is why I don’t speak!’ I scolded myself.

‘I won’t say anything, I promise. Here’ he gave me a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar ‘put it in your bag for later, please’

‘Thanks’ I hated taking it from him, but I knew he would only argue if I didn’t, and I couldn’t help my salivation at the thought of eating it.

‘I see your brothers out eating at the burger bar in town all the time?’

‘Yeah? Lucky them’

‘Oh. So, just you then?’

‘Just me’

‘Jane’

‘Yeah’

‘I wish I could help you more’

‘I could use some soap and shampoo’ it came out before I even had the chance to stop myself.

He nearly choked on his coke ‘You don’t get toiletries!’ he almost shouted.

‘Shhhh. Ummm… I don’t smell like this and have greasy hair through choice Jase’

‘s**t’

‘We gotta go, end of lunch in ten’

I jumped off the table I was sitting on and left the room. He followed out a few minutes later. It was our routine.

The following day he handed me a small wash bag ‘I got you some things’ he said shyly. I had never really seen Jase be shy before. He was always so confident. I had envied him for it.

I opened that bag and in it was a travel sized toothbrush and paste, shampoo, body wash a razor and mini shave gel, deodorant and sanitary towels.

My face lit up ‘Oh My God Jase!’ I couldn’t contain my glee.

He instinctively wrapped his strong arms around me.

I flinched, bolted back, and started to cry. I was so f****d up in the head.

 ‘s**t, Jane, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean too. I just wanted to help’

I steadied myself and tried to shake off the feeling of guilt and shame.

‘You did help Jase, thank you. No one has ever been kind to me before. I am so grateful. How did you know?’

‘I have a sister, it’s what she uses. Did I hurt you?’

‘No! No, I, I, it’s just, I’m not used to affection. It startled me’ I looked down and frowned a little, feeling anxious and out of my comfort zone.

‘I won’t touch you again. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable’

After that day, he didn’t touch me again. But once a month, he bought me a bag of toiletries. To start with, I only washed my hair once a week. I didn’t want them to notice. But I got complacent. And feeling clean was the only control I had in my life.