Someday Soon, With You

Chapter 60

MIRA

Two years later

“Why not?!” Astoria screamed at Mira. She’s already three years old and she developed her speech before learning how to walk

“Baby, because it’s Christmas and Papa Anthony and Mama Flora also want to spend time with Tatay” Mira slowly explained to her. She didn’t even notice TJ already arrived from work and entered the living room.

“No! No! No!” she continued screaming and started to lie down the floor and started to stump her feet.

“What is it?” TJ asked as he went near them.

“Tatay!” she quickly stood up and went to hug TJ.

“I am telling you, Astoria. We will spend Christmas with your Papa Archi” she said with finality and firmness in her voice so Astoria will know it’s not negotiable. She can already feel TJ’s mother’s resentment towards them for always consuming most of TJ’s time every time they go back to the Philippines.

Feeling the seriousness of her words, Astoria looked at her, eyes still round and beautiful. “I hate you” and then she ran to their room

“Oh” Mira burst to tears and weakly sat to the sofa next to her. Her daughter hates her. How could that even be? And more importantly, what is she going to do about it? Is she going to follow her and scold her for saying something so horrible? She bets Aro never said that to Dolores when he was a child. She bets Ara never told that to Aro when she was younger. She felt so bad, she just sat there and cried her eyes out.

“Hey” TJ sat in front of her and held her hand. “She’s just a kid, she can’t handle emotions that well, yet” he tried consoling her.

“She said she hates me. Never in her whole life have she ever said that to anyone” she told TJ between her sobs.

TJ sighed watching her cry. “Yeah, but she’s only three years old. Why don’t you let me talk to her first, and let’s see what happens?” he asked. Mira nodded and continued sniffing silently.

TRISTAN JAMES

TJ walked inside Mira and Astoria’s room and saw the little girl curled up at the edge of the bed also sniffing silently. If only they didn’t fight, he can tell it’s so cute how the two of them are so alike.

“Tatay” she sat up and looked at him, as if trying to win him on her side.

“What happened?” he asked her.

“Nanay told me you can’t be with us on Christmas” she answered while her eyes started to water again and she squealed a low, painful cry. He took her to his lap and rubbed her back until she calmed down.

“Baby, it’s not that I can’t be with you on Christmas. It’s just, your Papa Archi misses you so much” he tried to explain. “You remember when we bought cake on my birthday?” he asked her and she nodded. “How about when I bought you cake on your birthday?” he asked again and the little girl nodded again looking at him. “There’s also Father’s Day where we go to the mall and buy you pencils, and then there’s family day and a lot of special days we are together. Do you remember all of that?” he asked her and the little girl continued nodding. “You see, we are together all that time but your Papa Archi wasn’t there. You weren’t even together on his birthday. You don’t get to buy him cake. Of course, he wants to be with you at least on Christmas” Astoria looked down and rubbed her hands together.

“Okay” she finally agreed.

“And then there’s one thing I want you to know. Baby, we don’t make Nanay cry. Do you understand me?” he asked softly.

Astoria looked up at him and asked, “Why not?”

“Because mommies are different. You can say I hate you to me, or your Papa Archi, or anyone but not Nanay. Because she carried you inside her stomach, and when you crawled out, being the monster that you are” he said and pinched her cheek. “Nanay bled and got wounded. We can’t make her cry, that’s the rule from way back when the island is still Pangea” he told her.

“Okay” she said looking at him.

“Oh, no. You’ll walk there. I’m not going to carry you” he said and put him down. They both walked to the living room and saw Mira cleaning Astoria’s toys.

MIRA

“Nanay” Astoria sweetly called her. Mira looked at her and saw her eyes were also puffy. “I’m sorry for yelling before” she apologized.

“Okay. We’re still not having Tatay on Christmas” she told her.

Astoria nodded. “I know, I understand” she said and the she looked at TJ and smiled sweetly. She raised her arms and had TJ carry her. Mira stared at them, baffled. How is it that TJ can get her to apologize and even understand their situation in just a short amount of time.

“Okay” she said and turned her back, pretending to clean more of her toys. “You get your Tatay to help you brush your teeth, it’s almost bedtime” she told them.

“Okay” she beamed as if nothing happened.

Mira continued cleaning in the living room, crying silently. Is she a bad mother? TJ’s even better at handling her tantrums than her. He’s even better at handling her emotions more than herself. Mira stayed in the living room longer than she initially planned. She heard TJ got in and out of their room. And the last time he went in, he’s holding a glass of milk.

“Hey” TJ called as he sat in front of her. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“No” she answered. “I am a horrible mother and my daughter hates me. I don’t know what I am doing wrong” she answered while tears raced down her eyes.

“That’s not true” TJ told her.

“Yes, it is. I can’t even make her understand why we can’t celebrate Christmas with you” she added.

“But really, why can’t we have Christmas together?” he asked.

“Your family also wants to have quality time with you. You can’t do that if you spend most of your time like we’re still here” she said. TJ just ‘hmm’ at her. “Thank you for putting up with her” she told him.

“I love her” he simply replied.

“Thank you for putting up with me” she added.

TJ stared at her for a while. “I love you” he said gazing through her eyes. Mira nodded. She didn’t respond though. TJ looked at her and smiled sadly. “Goodnight” he stood up and kissed her temple before going to his room. After a while she also went back to her room and saw Astoria sleeping peacefully while occupying the center of the bed. She softly laid down beside her and brushed her cheek

Tears ran down her cheeks again. She quickly sat back up and positioned herself at the floor and there she sat and cried. Usually, she wakes up at three or four in the morning feeling unbearable pain in her heart she doesn’t know where it’s coming from. She just wakes up almost every morning and cry until it’s time to prepare for work. But now, she doesn’t even need to wait for three or four in the morning and she knows where it’s coming from. Why does she need to always experience this? She’s never felt this much pain, even when her parents passed away and she was left alone. But like that time, she needs to get over it. She has Astoria that relies on her. Or does she? There’s always Archi. She knows he’ll take care of her. And there’s also Aya and Arthur. Her eyes widened and she quickly stood up. Is she, perhaps, thinking about suicide? She felt herself tremble. Her hands shaking at what crossed her mind. She looked at Astoria. She’s thinking about killing herself now, what more in the future? Is she unstable? She quickly walked out of the room and paced back and forth at the living room, still trembling.

“Mira?” TJ whispered opening his door slightly.

“TJ” she went to him. “There’s something wrong” she cried as she held his hands.

“What? What’s wrong? Is Astoria okay?” he worriedly asked.

“She is, for now” she answered crying. She didn’t know how long she was in that state. TJ took her to the sofa and went to her room to see Astoria. After seeing her sleeping peacefully, he went to the kitchen, took a glass of warm water and sat with Mira.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Something’s wrong with me TJ” she started. TJ just looked at her waiting for more context. “I am unstable” she added.

“Okay, uhm, Mira” he held her trembling hands. “What’s happening?” he asked her.

“I was thinking of killing myself” she said and sobbed harder than when he found her.

“What? Wh—” TJ exhaled loudly. “What?” he asked again. Mira doesn’t seem to notice how TJ reacted at what she said, she just continued crying. “When things are hard, why is killing yourself becoming an option? What generation have we been living in?” he continued asking Mira who just continued crying. “What happened to ‘try and try until you succeed’?” he continued his monologue.

When Mira started to calm down, TJ also seem to calm. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess. What were you saying again?” she asked him.

TJ looked stared at her. His mouth slightly opened. “I didn’t know what I was also saying” he said. “Look, Mira. There was this time when I took a bath at your home, in the Philippines and saw your hair fall in the bathroom” he said.

“Oh, yeah. It often clogs the drain. I’m sorry about that” she apologized.

“No, it’s okay” he said trying to calm himself. “It’s still excessive. Don’t you think you should go see someone about it?” he asked.

“About my hair fall?” she asked. “I’ll just change my shampoo, it’s no big deal” she told him as if she didn’t bawl her eyes out just a moment ago.

“Listen, Mira” he said. “Manang Linda’s here, why don’t we go see a doctor tomorrow?” TJ softly asked her. Manang Linda is the caretaker Andrei recommended to her.

“Why?” she asked. “Just because I have excessive hair fall, TJ—”

“Mira, thinking about killing yourself is not healthy. I don’t know how I should tell you the first moment I think something’s going on with you, but here is where I’m drawing the line” he said. “Think about the time when Astoria will finally be able to write and go to school and receive her medals. Don’t you want to be there for her?” he asked. Mira just looked at him blankly. “I don’t know the proper protocols for this kind of situations. But I’m scared. I don’t want to experience this again. The last time I did, I thought I am going to be alone. Please, for me and Astoria” he pleaded.

“Okay” she agreed. TJ helped her stand up, holding her hand until they reached her bedroom door. “Goodnight, TJ” she said.

“Oh, uhm, yeah, I can’t go back there” he said referring to his room. “I just can’t, it’s an old trauma. You have to let me sleep here tonight” he told her.

It’s not something new to them. They always sleep together, not the way others do, but they still sleep together. What makes this different. She shrugged and let him inside their room.