Beauty from Pain

Chapter 4

I flinched when I felt something wet and cold over my private part. It soothed the soreness for a moment. Biglang unti-unting bumalik sa akin ang nangyari. I was abducted and brutally raped. I began to kick my legs, trying to get away from the hand that massaged me.

“Pakawalan niyo ako, mga hayop kayo! Pakawalan niyo ako!” Tears of sorrow and anger dripped from my eyes. My hands were tied together above my head and I couldn’t move them. I grew even more frightened. The anxiety I felt heightened. It was writhing under my skin, wanting to get out.

A pair of hands caught my waist and they slammed me down. I winced as pain shot through me. Pero hindi iyon sapat para tumigil ako. I’d stop when I’m dead. I’d rather they kill me than let them rape me again.

“You’re not going to get away with this! Hinahanap na ako ni Mama at Dad, they won’t stop until they find me. Kapag nalaman nila ang ginawa niyo sa akin, mananagot kayo.

“His fingers tightened around my waist.

“Dad will kill you.” I said through gritted teeth, hot angry tears slid down my cheeks. “Magbabayad kayo sa ginawa niyo! Binaboy niyo ako, mga hayop kayo! Binababoy niyo ako!”

In one swift motion, I was turned over to my stomach. Those big, brutal hands held me firmly in place. Hindi ko nagawang gumalaw. My body shivered in fear when I heard the unbuttoning and unzipping from behind me. That sound was all too familiar and I knew what would happen next.

My eyes widened when I felt something hard pressing on my rear opening. Sunod sunod akong napailing. “No, please. Don’t…”

I screamed in pain as he slowly invaded my body. The pain of him pushing inside me was all too real and all too much. My hands balled into fists, my fingernails digging into my palms. It was so painful I broke into cold sweats.

“Hayop kayo! Mga hayop kayo!” I cried out.

He thrust into me and pulled out, each thrust were brutal and hard. I wished at that time, I would just pass out just like the first time. But I didn’t. I felt every pain. I eventually stopped screaming, my throat was already raw from screams and cries. All I could do now was utter a soft mewling, crying silently as he abused my body. He buried himself one last time, digging deeper than he’d ever been and then he paused. He let out a long groan and his weight was on me.

“He didn’t just rape me, he sodomized me. Pinaglaruan nila ang katawan ko. At that time, I didn’t feel like I was a human being anymore, they took away every dignity I have in my body.” My whole body shook as tiny fragments of what had happened played in my head.

Callum sat on his chair with leg crossed over the other. He had a clipboard in one hand and a pen on the other. He was writing down the things I tell him on his paper. “I want to know how you feel about yourself today, pagkatapos ng mga nangyari sa’yo.”

“I don’t feel safe in my own body anymore. The skin that wraps around me is tainted. It’s dirty. I’m dirty and disgusting.” Tears stung my eyes.

“Don’t say that. I don’t ever want to hear that from you again.” He gently said. His professional mask slipped and something shifted on his face. Those gorgeously dark eyes softened into a lighter tone when as he looked at me. “Hindi totoo iyon. You’re not dirty and disgusting. You’re beautiful and brave and I admire you for everything you’ve gone through.”

“Thank you.” I gave him a faint smile as tears blurred my visions. “But no beautiful words could ever take the pain I feel. Binaboy nila hindi lang ang katawan ko kung hindi ang buong pagkatao ko. Alam mo minsan iniisip ko na sana na baliw na lang ako. At least I wouldn’t be this aware. Kahit anong kuskos ko sa katawan ko, kahit ilang beses akong maligo, kahit anong gawin ko hindi matatanggal sa akin ang kahayupang ginawa nila.”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way. I wish there’s something I could do or say to take away the pain but unfortunately I know nothing can change the way you’ve been hurt.” I saw genuine sadness in his eyes. It was absolutely beautiful how his eyes spoke for him. They were like a mood ring. Different hues of black for different emotions. “I’ll be with you every step of your recovery process. I don’t have the power to erase from your mind all the things that had happened to you but I promise to help you overcome it.”

“Audrey…” I was walking to my car when I turned my head to see Callum jogging over to me. He waved at me. “Hey!”

“Hi.” I stopped and smiled at him. I just got out of his clinic and here he was again, standing in front of me.

“Do you want to get coffee with me?” He asked.

I bit my bottom lip. I paused, collecting myself and evaluating my emotions before I answer. Was this a coffee date? Should I say yes? Was I ready?”

I was just going to grab a coffee and then I saw you. It’s okay if you don’t want to.” His usual confident aura faltered faintly. I thought it was cute. It made him seem more harmless now. He looked like a teenage boy expecting rejection after asking someone out.

“Sure.” I said.

He let out a wide smile “Really?” And then he shook his head and tried to supress his smile. “I mean, great. Let’s go get some coffee. My treat!”

There was a coffee shop just a few blocks away from the hospital. That’s where we headed. He order coffee for us and we sat on the table next to the window. I felt nervous like being on the first date. He looked at me and caught me staring at him. I blushed and looked away.

“How long have you been staying in California?” He asked, trying to open a conversation.

“Mula noong nangyari ‘yun’.” I answered, my eyes lowering. I didn’t like feel comfortable talking about it outside his office.

“I see.” He nodded his head. “Ikaw lang ang mag-isa dito?”

“My parents visit every now and then.” I took a sip from my cup. “Ikaw? Dito ka ba lumaki? Bakit marunong ka pa rin magtagalog?”

“We moved to Maryland when I was in middle school. I’ve never been to the Philippines since then.” He said and then snickered, his snicker turned into laughter.

My brows furrowed as I looked at him. “What? Ano’ng nakakatawa.”

“I used to be in a band we named Glow Worms when I was middle school. Those were the days.” He laughed. “We thought it was cool at that time.”

“What happened to your band?” I asked.

“My bandmates and I parted ways after highschool. We kind of accepted the fact that we’d never be the next The Beatles.” He was smiling nostalgically and shaking his head.

“What do you do in your band?” I asked, propping my elbow on the table and resting my chin over my palm.

“Everybody gets to do everything alternately. Sometimes I sing, I also play the guitar, piano, violin if needed.” Sabi niya.

”You sing?” My eyebrows lifted in amusement.

“Bakit parang nagulat ka?” He grinned cheekily.

“Wala kasi sa itsura mo. You don’t look like you know how to sing.”

“Just so you know, I was our band’s Paul McCartney.” He said with so much pride. “Baka pag narinig mo kong kumanta ma inlove ka sa akin.”

“Sige nga, I want to hear you sing.” I dared him.

“Okay, I’m going to sing you one of my favorites. Hey Jude.” He sat straight up and cleared his throat. “Hey Jude, don’t make it bad take a sad song and make it better, remember to let her into your heart then you can start to make it better… Hey Jude, don’t be afraid, you were made to go out and get her, the minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better… And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain. Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders, for well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.”

His voice was like a purr to my ears. It sounded so smooth and silky as he sang. I felt like a melting honey. I sighed inwardly. My chest filled with so much warmth and my breath caught in my throat.

“So? Did you like it?” He asked, one corner of his lips tugged upwards.

I blinked and then looked away, I could feel my cheeks heating up. He probably caught me intently looking at him. “It was okay.” “Okay? What the hell does that mean?” His eyes narrowed at me. “When I was in highschool, girls used to jump on me after hearing me sing. No kidding.”

“You’re not in highschool anymore.” I rolled my eyes.

“You, ma’am, are hard to please.” He chuckled.

“Parang ang layo naman ng profession na kinuha mo. From a musician to a psychiatrist?” I asked. “Did you really want to be a psychiatrist?”

“No. I originally wanted to be a rockstar.” His smile disappeared and so did the glow in his dark eyes. They were darker now than they usually were. “But I also wanted to help someone really close to my heart. ”

There was a twinge of pain and sadness in his voice. He closed his eyes and when they opened again the sadness in them disappeared.

“What about you? Did you really want to be a librarian?” He asked.

“Ni hindi ko nga naisip na magiging librarian ako.” I shrugged. “I really didn’t know what I wanted to do back then. Siguro kung may pinangarap ako noon, iyon ay maging katulad ni Mama. I wanted to have a family. A big one, just like ours. She’s an amazing woman and admire her more than any woman in the world.”

“Is she?” He said in a low tone. His voice lost the enthusiasm it had before. He looked out the window as if in deep thought.

“Yeah…” I quietly said.

We finished our coffee and went back to the hospital. Hinatid niya ako papunta sa kotse ko. I got into my car and placed his hand on the hood, leaning down. “I had a wonderful time with you, Audrey.”

“Me too.” I said, looking up at him.

“Thank you, Callum.”

“I’ll see you around.” He said.

I nodded my head and then started the engine. He moved back, allowing me to maneuver.

“How’s your new therapist?” Ma asked while we were video chatting. I could see Ma walking around her kitchen, the phone she was using was placed on the spot where I could see everything. It was only hers. When Mom’s in the kitchen, nobody’s allowed to touch anything. She took out an egg carton and started cracking them open in a bowl.

“Callum is, well, he’s better than I expected.” I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from smiling. I felt like a teenager all over again. “He’s really laid back and he makes me feel comfortable and safe.”

“Callum. So that’s his name, huh?” She nodded her head while beating the eggs with a whisk.

“Yeah.” My voice squeaked a little.

“I want to meet him someday.” Mom said. “He seems like a nice guy. How old is he? About your age?”

“I think so… Maybe a little older. He’s a psychiatrist and it takes a long time to become a doctor.”

“Single?”

I rolled my eyes. Ma, like Ms. Keri, had been pushing me to start dating. “Ma, stop. He’s my psychiatrist!”

“Wala naman akong sinasabi.” She shrugged her shoulders and laughed.

“Mama!” I heard a little boy’s voice and then Arthur walked into the kitchen in his blue pajamas. My eyes went back to the tv in front of me. Nakabukas ang tv at walang sound iyon “Can we go outside and play?”

“You haven’t even had your breakfast saka nakapajama ka pa.” I heard Ma tell him.

“Tawagin mo muna ang Daddy mo at saka Kuya Coco mo para makakain na tayo ng breakfast. Tapos magpaligo ka na sa Daddy mo after so you can play outside.”

“Ma, I’m going to bed. Good night.” Paalam ko sa kanya.

“Is that Ate Audrey. I wanna say hi to her.” He said.Bigla kong ibinaba ang video call at nilakasan ang volume ng tv.