Beauty from Pain

Chapter 3

“I’m sorry I think this is a mistake. I’m gonna go now.” I shook my head and headed for the door.

“Audrey, please.” His voice was pleading. “Dr. Miller told me about you. Will you give me a chance to help you?

“I bit my bottom lip, looking at him and thinking. I promised Cindy I’d try. Just this one time. If this doesn’t turn out the way I wanted I could always switch therapist. I needed to step out of my comfort zone. Iyon ang madalas na sinasabi sa akin ni Cindy. But why him? Sa dami ng pwede kong maging psychiatrist bakit siya pa?

“W—what did she say?” I asked, hardly looking at him.

“Dr. Miller told me to look after you. That you’re in a very vulnerable state and that you need my help. She spoke of you so dearly. I know she cares about you more than a doctor should care about her patient.” He gave me a warm smile.

I rubbed my elbow, still keeping my eyes from looking at him. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Francois.”

“Will you take a seat with me?” He asked in a very polite and professional tone.

I nodded my head. He slowly walked back to his table and I followed him. Umupo siya sa likod ng table niya at ako sa armchair na nasa harap nito. He clasped his hands on the table and looked at me. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” I fidgeted with my fingers on my lap. I felt like the walls were closing in on me…us. I was in a room with a man I practically don’t know. I could already feel the tremble starting from my hands. I always feel like men were out to get me. Any man outside my family all wanted to hurt me. Just like they did.

“Audrey, are you okay?” He asked in deep worry.

“Y—yeah…” There was shiver in my voice.

“Do you mind telling me why you’re here?”

“PTSD.” I answered. That was what I diagnosed with. Post traumatic stress disorder. Cindy said it was a heightened response to trauma that doesn’t stop even after the trauma is over. She was right, it felt like living the same day again and again. The nightmare never stops. Even now that I was ‘fixed’, there was still residue left of what had happened.

He nodded his head and started writing on the paper in front of him. “Can we go back to the very beginning? I want to know what caused your PTSD. I want to understand you better.

“I swallowed, feeling my throat closing. I bit my lower lip to keep it from trembling. “It was my twenty first birthday…

“A cold splash of water woke me up. I let out a shrilling scream and opened my eyes but I couldn’t see anything. It was just dark. I tried to move only to find out that both my hands were tied behind my back and my feet together.

“What is this? Ano bang nangyayari? Pakawalan niyo ako! This isn’t funny” I squirmed. I thought maybe it was my friends or my idiot twin brother playing a prank on me, pretending to kidnap me on the night of my birthday. How original. I wanted to roll my eyes. I’d seen this in movies before.

“Gising na pala ang prinsesa.” I heard an unfamiliar voice of a man and then he laughed. His voice was throaty and rough, his laughter menacing and scary.

That’s when I knew I was in deep trouble. This wasn’t a joke. Sinubukan kong alalahanin ang nangyari bago ako napunta dito. I remember having dinner with my family on the eve of my birthday. Ma made her special lasagna for me. Dad promised he’d book my plane ticket for my Eurotrip. I’d been to Europe and a bunch of different coutries with my parents and siblings. But this time I wanted to go alone at finally pumayag na din si Dad. After that, I snuck out of the house to meet up with my friends at a club. I wanted to start my twenty first birthday with a bang. I was now legal to drink alcohol and go to casinos. Inisip ko na sana pala sinabi ko kay Dad na gusto ko sa Vegas icelebrate ang birthday ko. I went into the club and saw my friends, we drank, talked, and danced. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and on my way, someone grabbed me from behind and covered my face and nose…

“WHO ARE YOU?!” I angrily screamed, fighting the urge to cry. “Sigurado akong pinahahahanp na ako ng Dad ko ngayon. Pag nalaman niya ito, papatayin niya kayo! You wait and see!”

I felt someone grab the back of my hair and lifted my head up. “Eh paano kung unahan ko ang tatay mo? Paano kung ikaw ang patayin ko?”

His face was just a few inches away from me. I could smell his breath. His breath stank like an ashtray. Parang gustong umakyat sa lalamunan ko ang nakain ko kanina. I growled and spat on him. “f**k you!”

“Yan ang gusto ko sa babae, palaban.” Another man said, chuckling.

“Mukhang mapapalaban talaga ako dito.” And another voice said.

“Putanginang ‘to!” Galit ng sigaw ng lalaki sa harap ko at naramdaman ko ang palad niyang dumapp sa pisngi ko. It left a stinging pain on my left cheek.

“Mga hayop kayo! Mama and Dad will be here any minute now! You won’t get away with this!” Tears began to fall from my eyes. They always do. Ma and Dad never once failed me. Dumarating sila kapag kailangan ko sila. And now was when I needed them most.

“Ang dami mong dada! Hindi na darating ang mga magulang mo! Mula ngayon amin ka na.” I flinched when I felt his hand on my side, moving it up and down. Nandidiri ako sa paraan ng paghawak niya sa akin. Naramdaman ko ang hiningi niya sa tabi ng tainga ko. I could feel him breathing against my skin. “Ang ganda ganda mo, alam mo ba yun? Nag-iinit ako sa’yo.”

He sucked on the lobe of my ear and I tried to move away but he held me down. More tears fell from my eyes. I felt so helpless. Gusto kong makawala pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kong lumaban. Gusto ko siyang itulak palayo. His hand snaked up, cupping the bottom of my breast.

“P’re, huwag mo naman solohin. Gutom na din kami.” Sabi ng isang lalaki.

“Ang sarap, pare.” I felt his tongue slid below my neck. Pakiramdam ko ang dumi dumi ko na sa ginagawa niya. My whole body shook in fear.

“Tama na… Maawa kayo sa akin. Pakawalan niyo na ako.” I begged them, crying.

“Kanina lang ang tapang-tapang mo. Ngayon nagmamakaawa ka na?” Natatawang sabi ng isa sa mga lalaki.

“Huwag kang mag-alala, maeenjoy mo din ito.” Bulong niya sa akin at sinimulan akong halikan sa leeg. I wanted to throw up in disgust.

I heard the sound of the door opening and closing.

“Yan na ba yun?” Sabi ng isang bagong boses.

The man suddenly stop what he was doing and to my relief, he pulled away. “Kanina ka pa namin hinihintay. Gusto mong mauna?”

I was suddenly picked up carelessly like a ragdoll, like I had no weight at all. I tried to squirm away and scream and fight but it did nothing.

“Bitiwan mo ako! Mga hayop kayo!” I screamed.

I was dropped on top of a hard, solid surface and then the ropes that bound my feet was hastily untied. I folded one leg and was ready to kick when his brutal hand closed around my ankle. The hand snaked up my skirt and it was able to grab hold of my underwear. He pulled it down with so much force it made a ripping sound.

I cried as he pulled my legs apart, my whole body started shaking so hard as though I was convulsing. I had never felt this helpless in my whole life. My chest felt tight. I couldn’t breathe anymore from crying and sobbing. His hand cupped my bottom and pulled my to him. I screamed when I felt a rush of jolting sharp pain in my most intimate part.

“Tama na! Maawa ka sa akin! Get off me, please!” I cried through gritted teeth. He groaned, pushing himself further in. I felt like my whole body was breaking in half. I let out a scream of pain and anguish. Gusto kong magwala. I wanted to kick, punch, and hurt him for doing this to me. Binaboy niya ako. He continued to move and I stopped fighting. Something inside me shut down. My mind couldn’t take what was happening to me anymore.

“Ayos. Mukhang masikip pa.” I heard one of the three men say.

“Basta ako ang sunod diyan.” The other said.

I shut my eyes, feeling nothing but the unbearable pain. I passed out from the physical pain and mental exhaustion. There was nothing I could do to stop him. Them.



Tears dripped down my lap as I relive the moment again. Dr. Francois handed me a box of Kleenex. With my shaking hand, I grabbed a tissue and dried my cheeks.

“I’m sorry…” He looked at me with pity in his dark eyes. “I know you’re scared and I can feel your anger. I understand what you’re going through.”

“Wala kang alam sa pinagdaanan ko!” My head turned to him, giving him a sharp glare. He was a man! How could he possible understand me? How dare he say that? “Hindi mo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng paulit ulit kang binababoy. They took away every kind of normalcy in my life. My abusers stole that piece of me and burned it up. They left me with nothing but ashes of multiple, repetitive traumas!”

“Audrey…” He got up from his seat and walked around his table to me. Lumuhod siya sa harap ko at tinitigan ako sa mga mata. “I am here to help you heal. You don’t deserve to suffer like this. You deserve to be happy. Gagawin ko ang lahat para matulungan ka.”

“Binababoy nila ako, ginamit nila ako, pinaglaruan nila ako.” I whole body was shaking so bad I felt like there was an earthquake happening under my feet.

“Shh, wala na sila. You’re safe now. They can’t hurt you anymore.” He pulled me to him and I cried on his shoulder. I wanted to scream until my throat is sore. I wanted to cry every last drop of tears in me. I wanted to hit someone, something, anything. Why did it have to happen to me? Why me?

“I hate them! I hate them so much! Gusto ko silang patayin! Gusto kong magbayad sila sa ginawa nila!” My fists tightened on his shirt. All I could see now was red. Anger, hate, and fury bubbled inside me as flashbacks of what they did to me assaulted me.

He rubbed my back to try to calm me down. He let me cry as much tears as I could. He let me cry until his shoulder was wet from tears. Then it was like I’d been pulled back from the trance I was in. Biglang parang bumalik ako sa realidad. I was no longer in that dark place…

I pulled away and wiped my tears. “I-I’m sorry, Dr. Francois.”

He gave me a gentle smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t apologize. This is what I’m here for. You have to let all those anger and pain out.”

Embarrassed, I wiped my tears and looked away from him.

“What you’re going through is not easy, Audrey. When you surpress your emotions and bury it, it will only hurt more. I do not want you to ever be ashamed of your emotions, especially with me. You can share with me everything. You need to know that it’s okay to be mad, to be sad, to cry, scream. It’s okay to lose control. I’m sorry for what happened to you. Pinapangako ko sa’yo na gagawin ko ang lahat para tulungan kang makalimot.”

I slowly turned my head to face him again. “Thank you for listening, Dr. Francois.”

“Just call me Callum.” He gave me a friendly smile. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share your story with me. Hindi madali sa’yo yun pero mas lalo kitang naintindihan dahil doon.”

“When will it stop?” I felt desperate.

“I wish I could make it stop in an instant but it will take time. You deserve nothing but all the good in life. I want to remind you that you’re not alone on this. You have alot of people who wants to love you and care for you.”

“Dr. Francois?” My brow arched when I saw him standing next to the library’s door when I got to work. “What are you doing here?”

“You can call me Callum, Audrey.” He sighed.

“Okay, Callum.” I said and my brows furrowed. “What are you doing outside? It’s freezing cold out here.”

“Today’s my books’ due.” He lifted three books he had in his hand. “I need to return them.”

“I see. Ba’t di ka pumasok?” I asked him.

“You banned me, remember?” He grinned and then added. “Forever.”

“Oh, right…” I nodded my head.

His face straightened. “I’m sorry about what I said. Now I understand why you reacted the way you did. I didn’t mean to scare you or make you uncomfortable. My mouth always gets me in trouble since I was a kid.”

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” I kept my eyes to the ground.

“Audrey, you’re not talking to an ant. I’m right here.” He chuckled.

“Huh?” I lifted my eyes up at him. They were met with a pair of super duper dark eyes. Damn him and his two black holes! They make me more nervous than I already was. He was my therapist! He was a man but he was my therapist. I should be more comfortable with him now. I mean I felt comfortable when we were talking in his office last Saturday pero iba pa rin kapag nasa labas na kami ng opisina niya.

“Why do you keep your eyes on the ground when we talk?” He asked.

“No, I don’t.” I denied.

“Okay.” He chuckled. “Can you return these for me?”

“Pwede ka naman ng pumasok.”

“I’m a man of pride.” He stood straight up. “I don’t go back to places where I’ve been rejected.”

I rolled my eyes. “Right…” And then I took the books from him. “Ako na ang magrereturn nito.”

“Also, I want to check out a book.”

“What book?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re already inside.” He said.

“How?”

“Trust me.” A playful smile crept over his lips.

I went in and returned the books he borrowed. I was going to start putting the piles of books back to the shelves when I saw him standing outside the large window of the library. My brows furrowed when he started making weird gestures and then I suddenly realize what he wanted to do. He wanted to play charades. I had to put my hand over to my mouth to stifle my laughter.

I started playing the game with him and finally guessed what book he wanted. I didn’t know if I guessed it right or he just gave up on me and was too tired to try. I checked the book out and went outside to hand it to him.

“Did I guess it right?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Meh, this will do. We’ve been playing for twenty minutes and you still haven’t guessed. You’re horrible at charades.” He shook his head with a smug smile on his face.

“Ang gulo mo naman kasi. Ano ba talagang gustong libro?” Okay what he said was quite true. My siblings and I used to play charades and they say the same thing.

“I was going for Beyond Good and Evil by Freidrich Nietzsche.”

“Oh, that’s why you keep drawing circles above your head and making horns with your fingers.” I slightly slapped my forehead. “Pero paano ko naman mahuhulaan yun? Ang daming libro sa loob ng library, ano?”

“You should’ve at least tried.” He chuckled quietly and then looked at the book. “Ano ba tong ibinigay mo sa akin? The Ego and the ID?”

“I did try.” I grinned cheekily. “That was really professional, Dr. Francois.”

“Just because I’m a psychiatrist doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to have fun. I’m not one of those grey and bland professionals out there. I do like to humor myself once in a while.”

“I have to go back to work. Marami pa akong gagawin.” I bit my bottom lip.

“Thanks. I hope to see you again on Saturday.” He flashed me his pearly whites again.

I nodded my head. “Bye.”

“Bye.” He replied.

I went back inside. I couldn’t wipe off the smile on my face as I walked in. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this genuinely happy. I remember feeling like this when I was a teenager and crushing on a boy. It had been years since I felt this weird emotion. I shook my head. No, I didn’t like Dr. Francois. He was my psychiatrist for, Christ’s sake! He was just the first guy other than my Dad to make me laugh after the abuse.

“How now, brown cow?”

I jolted when I heard the old lady’s voice. “Mrs. Keri! You scared me!”

“I know that kind of smile, Audrey. We’ve been working together for years and this is the first time I’d ever seen you smile like that.” She looked at me amused.

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep a straight face. “I just… um…”

“You like him, don’t you?” Her brows lifted up.

“I just find him funny. That’s all.” I avoided her gaze, feeling like my eyes would give it all away. “I’m going to finish putting back the books