UNCOUNTED FIRST LOVE

I could barely feel the warmth of his palm touching my back and his hot breath touches my ear. I closed my eyes. I don't want to stop him. I can't believe I'm with the man I love the most. Whether it was a dream, I wished not to wake up yet. The man who broke my innocent heart. I felt a thousand of emotions during those times. I smiled sadly. Every heart knows pain. Only the way expressing it is different. Fools hide it in their eyes while the brilliant hide it in their smile. I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment, Not to hurt you but so that you could finally understand how much you hurt me . I have a lot of reasons to stay but I choose to give up and you choose to stay. You still make me smile even if you’re the reason why I'm in pain. It's painful to wait someone, it's painful to forget someone but the worst pain is the person you love is cheating on you. Marahang inilayo ko ang aking katawan sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin pero hindi ko iyon napagtagumpayan. "No, Babe! Don't let me go. You must think I'm insane. Yes, I am! Because I really miss you, Babe!" He's crying. Naramdaman kong lalo pang humigpit ang pagkakayakap niya sa akin. "Alam kong galit ka sa'kin Chin, pero please, h'wag mo naman sana akong balewalain. I know, I'm selfish and I'm sorry for being like that. Sorry if you think.... if you think that I'm just thinking for my own happiness. Hindi ko naman sinadyang saktan ka, 'di ko naman sinadyang mahalin ka ng sobra at mas lalong hindi ko na kakayanin pang mawala kang muli sa akin. Please! Please, Babe!" Nagsusumamong saad niya habang umiiyak sa aking balikat. Namalayan ko ang mainit na likidong nag-uunahang maglakbay sa aking pisngi. Parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa lakas ng kabog ng puso ko, napakabigat sa pakiramdam. Hindi ko na kayang pigilan pa ang aking emosyon. Hindi ko pa rin pala kayang dayain ang aking nararamdaman para sa lalaking ito. Halos ilang taon na rin ang lumipas pero pakiwari ko'y kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat ng iyon. Buong akala ko'y nalimot ko na ang nakaraan. Pero hindi pa rin pala. Ang sakit ng kahapon ay bumangon muli sa aking dibdib. Bumalik ang mga ala-alang pilit kong ibinaon sa limot. Alaalang akala ko'y hindi na babalik pa. I act like I don't care, but deep inside it hurts. It's slowly killing me and I hate myself for being like that. Ayoko man aminin sa sarili ko, pero mahal ko pa rin ang lalaking ito! Could I still go back to the man who ruined my life and my dreams? Could I still entrust my heart to him again? Kaya ba ng pagmamahal na yon na burahin ang lahat ng sakit na idinulot niya sa'king pagkatao? Mga tanong sa isipan ko na hindi ko kayang sagutin ng mga oras na iyon.