My Royal Assassin

Chapter 2: Emptiness

Chapter Two

Sahara's POV

Have you ever felt the feeling of emptiness even if you have it all? The hole in your heart that won't go? The sadness and the pain that always would follow you around?

That's how I feel

I have a loving family, wealth, popularity, high status, and the people that love and cherish me. But why do I feel like this? This unbearable pain and grief, the feeling of loss and longing, and no matter how hard I try to feel happy and complete, I still feel empty. Like a scar that is permanently embedded in my heart.

Like there is something missing

But what? I have all I need . . . But do I really have it all? What about the things that I want? I have all that I need but do I have what I want?

They say you will never feel complete if you keep on thinking that something is missing.

But how can I not think when all I feel is that emptiness. It's killing me alive.

My mother -Queen Diane- would always tell me that sometimes in life, some things can complete us but can't be with us.

I would always pout at her and shout that ' it's not fair ' but now I realized that life itself isn't fair, and sometimes, it just feels best to cry so our heart can express itself in a way that words cannot. Because whatever this feeling I feel has no words to describe it.

- Princess Sahara,

I close my brown leather journal and put it above my nightstand, sighing.

I started writing on my journal when I was 18, my mom had given it to me. She said that I was always too quiet and not socializing with everyone, so she gave me a journal to express my feelings without worrying about the other people judging me.

At first, I just ignored it and placed it on a cabinet, slightly far away from me, but then one night, when I can no longer keep it all in me, and I feel like screaming, I decided to give it a try and to my surprise, it did work. Unfortunately, it did nothing to erase the emptiness I feel, but it did make me feel a little better, and over the years, it's what I do to cope with the pain and longing.

Suddenly there's a soft knock sounding outside my door. I stand up and fix myself and put a confident smile on my face.

I opened it

"Hey, What's up?" I look at my older cousin -Prince Gabriel- who is wearing his favorite royal attire. He smiles warmly at me.

"Auntie wants to talk with you, she's in her room." I feel my heart pound quickly on my chest.

What is it that my mom wants to talk about that she even asked my cousin to tell it to me and not the maids or other servants?

"Did she tell you what is it about?"

"No, the only thing she says is to fetch you and bring you to her room. Nothing else," he answered.

"Oh, okay," I said nodding my head. He gestures for me to walk first and I step forward and turn around to close the door. Then we both walk towards my mother's bedroom with my hands shaking and heart pounding in nervousness.

What is it she going to say? Did I do something wrong?

I tried thinking about all I did today and the other previous days but I don't remember anything that I did wrong. All I did was study, go to my painting classes, do piano lessons ate with them, hang out sometimes with my friends and cousins and stay inside my bedroom. So, I didn't see why she needed to talk to me.

"Hey" I snap my eyes at the sound of Gabriel's voice.

"Huh? Did you say something?" he rolled his eyes and shake his head.

"You're overthinking again. Don't worry cuz, she's not mad when she ordered me to fetch you."

I sighed

"I'm just wondering what is it that she's going to tell me. Normally I would just go to her with a smile and not worry about what she's going to say but now, there's this feeling . . . Ugh! I can't explain it!"

He doesn't say anything, just looks at me with a look I can't decipher.

I frown

I remember my aunt Tillie looked at me like that also before she left to go back to her husband in England when she visited here. Like she wanted to tell me something but then she would look at my mom and signed.

I was about to open my mouth to say something but Gabriel stopped making me halt my steps either.

"We're here" I look at the white door of my mother's bedroom and then took a deep breath. I turn to my cousin and smile.

"I think I can manage here, thank you." he nods, giving me the weird look again.

"Ok, just always remember that it is better to end something and start another than to imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible." Then turn around and walked away, I just stand there, confuse.

What did he mean by that?

I shake my head and turns to the door, I raised my hand but before I could knock, the door already opened, revealing my mother.

I bow

"Mother" I greeted politely. I straighten up and look at her. She shakes her head disapprovingly at me. I look down again, afraid of what she might say.

Even if she is my mother, she's still the Queen and I need to respect her. But despite that, she is also a loving and protected mother. She hates it when I let others disrespect me or let them look down on me.

"For the millions of time Sahara, do not bow at me. You are my daughter and the crown princess; the future Queen. For goddess sake." she scolded. "Lookup. Don't ever look down, do you understand?"

I nod

"Yes mother," she signed.

"Come on in," she gestures for me to enter the room. I slowly walk inside, still nervous.

With the smell of lavender hitting my nostrils, I inhale the smell and look around the room. Crystal chandeliers are hanging up the ceiling, a white silk Queen size bed, gold-colored walls with a beautiful painting. I recognize some of them as my own.

I smile

"Sit" she pointed at the purple couch on the corner. I walk towards it and then sit, she does the same and sits opposite from mine.

I look at my left side to see the pink tulip; that is planted on a pot, beside the window. Father planted that to give for my mother's birthday.

I heard her sighed

"I missed him too" I look at her again. She's looking down, with a sad expression on her face. I feel my heart clench, I can sense her pain and longing for my father. They both have a love for each other that inspired everyone.

My father; the late King, Harry, passed away when I was young. They said that he got ambushed by some assassin; when he leaves the castle to visit his mother in a mansion that is located in a forest with some of the guards. The witness said that they tried to fight, especially my father but the assassin was too skilled, and what's more depressing is that he only not killed them but also burned their body.

Unfortunately, the witness didn't saw the assassin's face. My mother did everything to find the assassin but to no luck, she never did. I was only 9 when that happened and I was not here, but in England living with my aunt Tillie.

When they told me that I lived there, I didn't believe it at first, because I can't find any memory in my brain of me ever living there. But I sometimes remember a quick glimpse of myself in a different place with the same someone I can't remember. My mom would always remind me to tell her if I saw or remember something. I would sometimes laugh at her paranoid expression but quickly shrugged it off.

I cleared my throat, remembering what I came here for. I turn to her.

"What is it that you wanted to talk about?" I ask.

"It's about your coronation." I tense, and my eyes widened slightly.

I don't know why I feel like I don't want to be the Queen. Like leading a country or nation is not what I want. Of course, I tried to tell that to my mother; so many times actually, but she just always laugh it all and told me that since I was young, being the Queen is the only thing I asked her. But I can't seem to believe that. I feel like. . .

I don't want to be the Queen

I want to. . . I wanted to be a fighter, a hero, not a Queen sitting on a throne, but a warrior who fights and survives in battles, and I wanted to be a princess who would not only fight with swords but also with words, and fight not only with strength and power but also with knowledge and wisdom.

I wanted to be that girl

But I guess I can't be like that, and now I finally understand the meaning of the words Gabriel had said to me earlier.

' It is better to end something and starts another than to imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.'

No matter what happens, I am still the crown princess, and like a warrior, I have my responsibility as the future Queen, and all the things I wanted in life must sacrifice to fulfill my duty.

Even if it meant sacrificing my happiness, because like someone had said,

In life there is always this one thing; sometimes the most important thing even, that we must sacrifice to survive. . . but sometimes I thought, what is the purpose of that life if you can't even have your happiness?

And sometimes I also asked myself, what is the point of being a warrior when I can't even fight for the important things in my life. . .