Awakening

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As he walked down the road that led from the school to the town, he made a firm resolve to not allow it to happen again. How had he permitted it in the first place? He had dined with Nathaniel. The man had spoken in that husky voice; in hushed tones of the joy he had taken in seeing Jonathan, feeling the reaction that had passed between them when they had touched. Jonathan remembered sitting as if transfixed, saying nothing, only nodding in agreement.

When could they meet? That night? Nathaniel had asked.

No, Jonathan had thought. It was Sabbath Eve. It was forbidden to be out when one should be preparing for Service. But, he had nodded in agreement.

Where could they meet? The school? That would be private.

No, Jonathan replied once more in his mind. What if they were discovered? Once again his assent was given with a nod.

“After dark, it will be safer then. Leave the door unlatched; I will slip inside.”

And so it was; Nathaniel arrived, slipped into the school and they had lain together.

If I had only said aloud those things I was thinking. Could it be he had cast a spell on me? Jonathan knew it was not true. He had agreed because he had wanted it to happen, had wanted it, without knowing it, for as long as he could remember. But, it would never happen again. He would never give in to that side of himself. It was against all he had been raised to believe. But, he also knew that he had never been happier, felt more alive and whole than any other time in his memory. He bitterly continued his walk to the meetinghouse.

He arrived to find his parents, Samuel and Samuel’s wife, Ruth, standing outside, apparently waiting for him.

“You are late,” came his father’s stern remonstration. “Did you sleep too long?”

“No, Father, I…” He caught sight of his elder brother, Samuel, looking at him with what Jonathan’s guilt took as suspicion.

“No, I,” he began again. “I was overlong at Morning Prayer.” Samuel gave a crooked smile.

His father gave a ‘humph.’ “Come along, boy, we should not be late.”

As the family turned toward the entryway to the hall, a voice stopped them.

“Jonathan!” Jonathan’s heart leapt.

They turned to see Nathaniel trotting toward them.

Jonathan blushed.

“Good day Mr. Carver, Mrs. Carver,” Nathaniel said cheerily with a nod toward Samuel and Ruth as well.

Jonathan shrank inside. Running on the Sabbath and so cheerful. Surely this was not going to bode well for him.

“I beg a word with Jonathan before service, if I may?”

“Be quick, Jonathan,” the elder man responded, not looking at Nathaniel. Samuel scowled.

The two younger men dropped back.

“I have not been able to think but of last night,” Nathaniel said in a quiet voice, for which Jonathan was grateful.

Jonathan started to say something, but Nathaniel continued. “That is why I have a plan. Meet me here after service.”

He reached out and squeezed Jonathan’s shoulder, sending the lightning bolt through his body once more. He walked away quickly, so quickly that Jonathan had no chance to protest. As he followed behind Nathaniel, he realized he did not desire to protest.

Entering the dimly lit, drab meetinghouse, Jonathan took a seat in the pew on the aisle next to his mother. She smiled weakly at him as he sat down. Neither his father nor brother looked his way. He located Nathaniel sitting on the aisle opposite, a few rows forward. His positioning afforded Jonathan a wonderful view of his luxurious dark hair and his strong masculine profile. He felt his britches tighten.

The Reverend Matheson rose to the box. “Let us pray.”

“Oh Holy God, who didst ordain the creation of the world and holds it firmly in thy hand…”

Jonathan was not listening. He had bowed his head with the rest of the congregation, but his mind was elsewhere. Inside raged a war of wills.

What was this plan?

Whatever it was I must resist.

His face is so fair, his lips so full.

No, I shall not think these thoughts, not here in this place.

He became aware that The Reverend had stopped praying and was speaking.

“…So it is our Christian duty to examine ourselves: to allow the Holy Ghost to reveal to us the extent of our descent into sloth and re-k****e, awaken, if you will, the religious zeal of our forefathers. As we begin our time of deliberation and self-examination, I read to you from the writing of Jonathan Edwards, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, in which he warns us of the fate that awaits the unrepentant. ‘The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect, over a fire, abhors you and is dreadfully provoked; his wrath toward you burns like fire; he looks upon you as nothing else but to be cast into the fire.’”

Jonathan gulped. Why must I share a name with a man who could believe such things?

“Now let us begin a time of contemplation and soul-searching,” the Reverend Matheson continued. “If there are those among you that harbor sins and are unrepentant, I say confess these sins and fall on your knees before Almighty God and beg his forgiveness.”

Jonathan felt the blood drain from his face. His hands were trembling. He looked up in the direction of Nathaniel. He was aghast to see Nathaniel had half-turned in his seat and was looking in his direction and winking at him.

He looked around quickly and saw that most everyone was sitting with head bowed. A low murmuring of prayer and supplication filled the hall. No one had, apparently, seen Nathaniel’s blatant exhibition of rebellion. Jonathan looked away.

For three hours, the congregation sat in self-examination. Occasionally someone stood and read a scripture or bared their souls and shared with those assembled their sinfulness. Jonathan sat with head bowed, praying, like the apostle Paul, that God take this thorn of sin from his side. He wondered, briefly, if Paul’s thorn were similar to his own. He tried not to look at Nathaniel. The time or two he succumbed to his desire to look upon the man, he saw him gazing around the room as if trying to see if there were bats roosting in the rafters.

There was nothing for it but to let Nathaniel know, in no uncertain terms, this liaison must end, lest they both be thrown into Jonathan Edward’s pit of hell.

Finally, The Reverend Matheson stood and invoked God’s Blessing on the good folk of Newburyport. He dismissed the faithful, admonishing them to spend the remainder of the Sabbath in prayer and contemplation, reminding them that the way of the Puritan was justification that was proven by sanctification. And sanctification was verified by pure living.

His resolve firmly in place, Jonathan made his way out of the hall to meet Nathaniel. His father took his arm.

“Will you be spending the afternoon with us in prayer?”

While intending to say ‘yes’, Jonathan found himself saying he would be at the school so he could pray in solitude.

“Remember, we have been invited to break Sabbath with the Gilmores this night.”

“I remember,” Jonathan lied. He knew the Gilmore family was important to his father’s business. They purchased many of the ships his father had built for their merchant marine trade and fishing business. “I will be there,” he promised.

Taking leave of his parents, Jonathan went to find Nathaniel. He located him standing under a tree some distance from the meetinghouse. He walked purposely toward him, fully intending to let him know that, no matter what his plan, it did not include him.

As he approached Nathaniel, the older man turned and smiled. Jonathan’s heart melted. Before he could say a word, Nathaniel said, “I have borrowed some horses for us to ride to the country.”

Jonathan gasped. “On the Sabbath, when we should be at prayer?”

“I can think of no better way to honor our day of rest than to rejoice in the nature around us. I can think of no better way to pray than to give thanks for the beauty of His creation.” Nathaniel smiled.

Jonathan wavered. Yes, those things sounded logical, reasonable. And, he thought, relieved, how can we be intimate when we are out and about?

“All…all right,” he said hesitantly. “Where shall I meet you?”

“But, why must you take leave now? We will go together.”

Jonathan looked around. Almost everyone had left the area.

“All right,” he said again. He felt ill at ease, but also daring. He fell in beside Nathaniel and they walked off toward the wharf.