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2. Not Statistically Unlikely-2

It’s not waiting for me tonight, of course. I have to finish homework for two classes before a weekend of late-night club shifts. But a guy can dream. Besides, it takes time to cultivate a threesome. You have to be sure that everyone is on the same page.

I flip past a couple of images that are familiar. One pic shows a hot couple that I’ve already partied with. They were fun, but the guy is too much of a Dom for my taste. He wanted me to kneel, and I let him know that wasn’t an option. Then there’s a gay couple. I’m not in the mood for two dudes, so I flip past it.

And, whoa! Fresh meat. There’s a shot of a couple I’ve never seen before. They’re on a beach somewhere. Her bikini leaves nothing to the imagination. Perfect t**s and a stomach so flat that she might as well be on the cover of a magazine.

The guy has a well-muscled arm curled around her little waist. He’s kind of beefy, but his proportions are nice. I’d like to slide my hands down those cut abs and into those swim trunks. They have little red lobsters on them, which makes me roll my eyes.

But all in all, they are a hot couple. Definitely appealing. The photo is cropped at their shoulders, so I can’t see their faces. But that’s just common sense. My photo is the same.

I swipe right.

The screen shimmies. You’re a match, hot stuff, the app tells me.

“Aw, shucks,” I say aloud, because I like my apps to flatter me. Then I get down to the serious business of inspecting the profile.

Male, 20s, in a relationship with female, 20s. She wants a m/f/m threesome for her birthday. I’m totally open to that. Looking for a one night thing in a few weeks.

That’s all he gives me. Oh, and his handle is LobsterShorts, which makes me laugh. At least he can acknowledge the ridiculousness of that preppy bathing suit. Another vote in his favor.

My handle is SinnerThree. Because I acknowledge the truth, too.

I finish my sandwich and set the plate aside. The guy’s profile has a glowing dot in the corner, which means he’s active on the app. I’d lay all my money (which, fine, is none) on him having made this profile only hours ago. He seems kind of green. But that’s not a turnoff. I’d bet the rest of my nonexistent fortune on the fact that he’s never gotten off in front of another guy.

Blowing minds is at least half the fun, right?

As a rule, I keep the app’s geolocation setting switched off. It’s nobody’s business where I am. But when I’m trying to decide whether to engage, I’ll turn it on for a moment just to see if I can guess whether I’m looking at another Darby College student.

With those shorts? Probably. But I change the setting anyway.

Location: .9 miles away.

I turn it off again. Hmm. Less than a mile is pretty close. He could be a student, or an intern at the hospital. Or—and this is the worst-case scenario—a grad student who will show up to teach the next business course I take. Now that would be awkward.

My finger hovers over the message icon. There’s no harm in chatting him up, right? I tap it, then send the standard greeting. Yo.

He doesn’t keep me waiting. Yo.

Nice profile pic, I say. Because flattery works.

Thanks. Um… A laughing emoji pops up on the screen. I never chatted up a dude before. But here goes: Likewise. I can see you’re busy with the ab curls.

You have no idea, I fire back. My tight abs are my bread and butter. So you want a guy for a threesome but it weirds you out to chat me up on an app? How’s that gonna play out for you on the gf’s birthday? You could—gasp—see my actual d**k.

Might as well get the tricky questions over with immediately.

LobsterShorts: Simmer down. Just give me a minute to get used to the idea. You’re the first one to DM.

SinnerThree: Aw, I popped your cherry? I’m so flattered. Was I gentle?

LobsterShorts: It was life-changing. I feel like a whole new person.

He adds an eye-roll emoji, and I snort with laughter. A sense of humor is a good sign. Want to show me your pretty faces? If we end up making plans together, I’m gonna see ‘em anyway.

Can’t, he replies immediately. Not on an app. The gf and I haven’t talked yet about when to reveal any personal information.

SinnerThree: Aren’t you worried that I’m ugly?

LobsterShorts: Are you?

SinnerThree: f**k no. I was actually hired for my job because I please the ladies.

LobsterShorts: Well, my dentist used to put my face on the front of his brochure, until I asked him to stop. So that’s settled.

I laugh again. Can I give you a little piece of advice? If your girl is worried about privacy, take the birthday thing out of your profile. Your neighborhood computer geek could cross reference that against social media pretty easily and find out who you are.

Fuuuuuck is his response. BRB.

Sure enough, his profile description has changed when I refresh the screen a minute later.

Thanks, he says a moment later. You use the app a lot?

SinnerThree: Define a lot. I log in constantly but don’t have time for many meet-ups.

LobsterShorts: Student?

Part-time, I lie. Because you have to keep your distance. You?

LobsterShorts: Student. Full time.

Bummer. I’d rather hook up with people who aren’t part of the Darby College community. These things are tricky.

Have you done threesomes with a couple before? is his next question.

Yeah, I reply, feeling like I’m on a job interview. They’re not as easy to set up as a plain old hookup. But when it works out, it’s some of the most fun you can have.

LobsterShorts: That sounds promising.

SinnerThree: You’re a newb, right? Trust me that it’s fun watching a couple push their own boundaries. It’s like taking part in a p**n shoot. Except it’s real.

I get why that’s hot, he replies.

And—I don’t add this, but it’s the best part—when it’s done, it’s over. Unlike actual dating, there’s no expectations. We go our separate ways.

SinnerThree: Define the kind of hot you’re looking for. What heat level are we talking here?

He takes a few seconds to respond. I’m not sure what you’re asking. Total newb, remember?

I smile, because I appreciate his honesty. A lot. Okay, you said this is your girl’s idea. And you said you’re open to it. But, open to what? I decide to be blunt. Watching me f**k her? Does she want to watch us? Do you want my hands on you or just on her? Want to f**k me? Want to be f****d? Options are endless…

LobsterShorts: Whoa. OK. That’s a lot to think about.

SinnerThree: No kidding. That’s why this s**t gets sorted out ahead of time. You can’t just play it by ear.

LobsterShorts: You have to admit, tho, that there’s benefits to making everything a game-time decision. How the f**k do I know what I want until I try it?

I let out a snort of laughter. Do you ask waiters to bring you a taste of everything before you choose your food off the menu?

LobsterShorts: What, like that’s weird? Do you expect me to choose between the tavern burger and the fish and chips with no prior knowledge???

This guy. I hope I’m not being punked by some rando with no plans to go through with it, because I’m starting to like him.

SinnerThree: Okay, look. What kind of p**n do you like?

LobsterShorts: The naked kind.

I tap out an eyeroll emoji. Naked women?

LobsterShorts: Yes.

SinnerThree: Naked men?

LobsterShorts: Sure, I guess? I watch a lot of gangbang p**n, orgies, etc. Naked women with naked men, in all sorts of combinations. I dunno. My taste in p**n is far-reaching. I’m more of a gourmand than a gourmet.

Like I even know what that means. I actually tap into the dictionary on my phone and type in gourmand. It bugs the s**t out of me not to know what words mean. It’s like my poverty is showing.

Gourmand: one who is heartily interested in good food and drink.

I knew I liked this guy. You sound fun, I admit. If two d***s in a porno doesn’t turn you off, that bodes well for you. But there’s a difference between seeing it and doing it.

LobsterShorts: True.

SinnerThree: Can I ask you something? Have you ever been with a guy before?

LobsterShorts: No. Why?

SinnerThree: Just wondering if you’d been tempted before.

LobsterShorts: I’ve been with my girl a long time, so it isn’t something I think about.

Alone in my room, I shake my head. This is why I don’t do relationships. When I have an itch, it needs to be scratched.

LobsterShorts: When my gf said “let’s have a threesome with a dude”, I almost swallowed my tongue. But I’m kind of a daredevil. I like skydiving. I once ate an entire packet of crickets on a dare.

SinnerThree: Gross. I can promise that getting naked with me will be more fun than that.

LobsterShorts: Good to know. Although the crickets were seasoned with chili and lime, and had a nice crunch.

I let out a bark of laughter. OMFG.

LobsterShorts: :) Just letting you know that I don’t scare easily.

SinnerThree: Good. But you still have to specify what you want to get out of this encounter. And how far you’re willing to take it. Do some thinking, okay? Like I said—threesomes are fun, but only when the ground rules are clear. No disappointments, no regrets.

LobsterShorts: Roger.

How’d you guess my name? I joke.

Now I get an eyeroll emoji.

SinnerThree: I gotta sign off now. There’s a paper to write so I can work all weekend.

LobsterShorts: What do you do?

Right. Like I’d ever tell him.

SinnerThree: All I’ll say is, you’d laugh your ass off if you knew. And wait—I have a homework assignment for you.

LobsterShorts: Like I need more homework.

I wonder where he is right now. Library? Study session? It’s kind of hot to think that he might be in public, discussing something so dirty.

SinnerThree: No, this is the fun kind of homework. I want you to imagine that I’m going to give you a b*****b. You let me unzip you. Then I reach inside your...briefs?

There’s a short delay.

Boxers, he finally replies.

SinnerThree: Should I keep going?

Another delay.

LobsterShorts: Keep going.

SinnerThree: I reach inside your boxers, and you’re already hard for me.

I stop typing and set my phone down on the bed. I wait.

And????? He types a minute later. I’m waiting here with my d**k out. Well, metaphorically, he hastily adds.

I laugh so loudly it echoes against the walls of my tiny room. That’s all I’m saying. Your homework is to fill in the rest of this scenario. Report back tomorrow.

LobsterShorts: What? You cliffhangered me?

SinnerThree: Night, Lobsterman.

I close the app. Leaving people hanging is kind of my specialty, anyway.

And I really do have to write that paper.