His Unrequited Love

The Lone Wolf

Victor

My heart is making flip in my chest as I go through the texts again and again.

Five years.

I’ve waited for this text for five long damn years. And now that it is finally here I am not even sure how I feel about it. Everything inside me is suddenly frozen. Forgotten is the post-s*ex haze that gripped me in a tight embrace for the entire night, forgotten is the thought of the warm hot as sin guy in my bed.

I still can’t wrap my mind around the reason for these messages or the grand meaning behind them. But I don’t care. By the end of this damn week, I will finally get back home. I am not thinking about the price I will surely have to pay, I don’t care about the consequences, I just need to survive the week. My heart is thumping in the rhythm of those four little words again and again. I. Am. Going. Home. Again and again. I am going home. Whatever happens, I will be back at Redwind come next Friday.

Jumping out of bed, I gather my scattered clothes from the floor and rush to throw the rest of my things into the duffel bag I brought here with me, only one thing on my mind - get the hell out of this place as fast as possible. For some reason, as hot and mind-blowing as last night was, it feels like cheating. It shouldn’t - it isn’t. But that is exactly how f*ucked up I still am over Gabriel Lawrence - one word from him and I am back to that needy, desperate thing I used be, ready to do everything he asks me to.

I shouldn’t. I can’t let it get as bad as it once was. Gabriel isn’t mine, or for me. He has his life and I have my own, or at least whatever is left of it. Then why does the idea of him still thinking about me stir something deep into the pit of my stomach? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? We’ve not even been together for more than a few weeks back in college when life was easy and politics didn’t matter. It was so long ago I barely remember it anymore. I remember the fallout. That’s one thing I will remember to the grave. And the loneliness and desperation that came with it. The f*ucking shame.

That’s why I have to stop for a second in the middle of the room and force my eyes back to the sleeping gorgeous man in my bed and focus on him, on the way I am sure my side of the bed is still warm from where I laid just minutes ago. I need to get my brain back together and steer it away from thinking how fast it came undone just from one text from Gabriel. It feels almost pathetic, but the distraction works and my d*ick stands with attention the moment I see Maxim’s long limbs exposed to the faint stripes of sunlight which make him look golden. It is a Monday morning but he seems so relaxed as if he doesn’t really care what day it is or doesn’t have anything urgent to do. My eyes roam down to his long erect member and my mouth instantly waters with the need to taste him as I didn’t get the chance to do so last night. That boy and his urgency f*ucked me up so badly I couldn’t see clearly and held back with him to make it last longer, to let myself explore him. Now I will never get the chance to play again.

And just because suddenly I want him a bit too much, I tear my eyes away, realizing I need to get out of there as soon as possible before I made myself believe it is okay to stay. It isn’t. If I do, I might want to know more about him, to get to the person hiding inside that sinfully hot body. I might want to ask about the meaning behind the large tats on his neck and arms, or what his real name is and what he was doing at the bar last night. Is he local? He doesn’t look like one. How old could he be? He seems not more than my sisters’ age, probably a bit older. Tall and lean as he is he could be a model but is this what he wants to achieve in life? What are his ambitions, dreams?

Damn it, I am doing it again. Lorkan is waking up and I curse myself for forgetting my pills at my big city loft.

Cursing under my breath, I turn my back on Maxim. There is no reason to want to know the guy - we’ll never meet again, that’s too dangerous for both of us. After all, isn’t it why people call it ‘no strings attached? Hook-ups don’t have any meaning behind what they actually are and with the mental place Gabriel’s orders put me at, I can’t stay and risk forming any attachments anyway. Neither me nor Maxim ever wanted more in the first place and he sure as hell doesn’t need the complications that come with having someone like me in his life. Goddess, he doesn’t even know I am a lycan, probably he’d lose his s*hit if he ever found out he just f*ucked a Lycan.

So, I know it is time to go my merry way and do it fast.

The realization puts urgency in my actions and in less than 10 minutes after a quick shower and brushing my teeth I am out of the room and back to my jeep. And to whatever is left of my life.

It is still early, barely dawn, but I hurry nonetheless, desperate to put space between me and everything that happened in that hotel room.

My pulse is racing in my veins and I am breathing heavily as I walk through the parking lot, leaving the boy in my bed forgotten and alone. For a split second, I feel guilty for the way I am sneaking out on him but then again, we don’t owe each other anything. It was a moment of weakness when I asked him to stay last night. A moment that will not repeat itself. Ever. Maybe I won’t need to spend the night with strangers anymore, now that Gabriel…

I push the thought away.

Instead, I put on some podcast just to keep my brain occupied and not so into that dark place it tends to get to most of the time when I let it roam freely. If I do it will go back to the past again.

Gripping the steering wheel I forbid my mind to wander to that night so long ago before the dread overwhelms me again and I fall into the black pit of depression. I can’t focus on the past again. Even if there is no one that will put me into a clinic this time or call me mentally unfit to rule a pack if I don’t forget all about my ‘unnatural’ desires for another man, I still need to bring my head back in the game and do it fast if I am to survive the week that’s about to drag before I get back. I focus on distracting myself with the easy, mundane things - like calling my assistant to move all my meetings for today and transferring all my calls home. The plan is to bury myself in work for most of the week, take my pills and not let any random dangerous thoughts flood me.

I am not expected in the king’s residence for the next few days, I can’t even set foot on his territory before the time comes, so I drive back to my loft in the city. It’s on the last floor of a large posh building on one of the busy streets downtown. All glass and metal, it suits perfectly the cold life I chose to live - urgent, not a minute to breathe freely as I run from one meeting to the other, from one conflict I have to solve to the next. My job is like playing chess, outsmarting the opponent, and getting loads of money while doing it. Plus, there are no morals left in me to hold me back, no fear to roam over the weaker players because they don’t matter. Nothing matters but the high of the chase and the cynical parties and bonuses that come with every win. It is the best distraction in the world and it pays off wonderfully.

Hearing the locking mechanism of the elevator doors that lead straight inside my place, I drop the bag on the floor and rush for another shower to wash the dirt of the road from myself. And then it is exactly as I planned it - all work and no fun, making a dull boy out of me.

Veronica calls late on Thursday evening to check in on me as she does occasionally from time to time throughout the month.

I am still at the office, closing again, as I am the only person left this late to roam around the office floor. Looking at the screen of my phone for a few seconds, I wonder if I should pick up at all as my heart races in my chest. I love my sister and will always be protective of her, but I don’t want to talk to her right now. It’s not Veronica’s fault what happened five years ago and I can never blame her for taking my place as the alpha of my, no - her - pack. It doesn’t mean my heart is not dropping to my feet every time I hear her voice - because I love her and I miss her and even though I am not in charge anymore, a part of me will always feel responsible and guilty for not being there to protect her and everyone in her life.

Still, Veronica is the only sister I have left, the only family I have and if I don’t answer her calls, she will worry about me.

“Hey, stranger,” she drags through the screen with her chipper voice the second I press the button to accept the call. “How’s life?”

Her beautiful smile shines through the screen and makes my heart do another somersault in my chest. I notice her dark blonde hair looks shorter than the last time we talked two weeks ago or so but the sparkle in those big blue eyes, the same as mine, is still there as always.

“All good on my side,” I tell her and struggle to set my attention on the conversation entirely, instead of finishing the edit of the contract I work on. “How’s Ariana?”

Veronica’s eyes sparkle even more with affection as she tells me all about what my almost one-year-old niece is up to these days - how her first baby teeth are bugging her and how many words she’s learned since the last time I saw her on camera, calling me ‘unni’ as she can’t actually say uncle yet or any actual words for that matter. I’ve seen Ariana in flesh only once so far - during last Christmas when Veronica and her husband, the alpha consort, went out of their line to meet me and spend the holidays together at my loft.

I fell in love that day, and it is the most unconditional pure kind of love, putting to shame everything I’ve ever felt towards anyone before her. My perfect little Ariana with her forever smiles and her little pink onesies, and those tiny baby fingers of hers, squeezing my large thumb every time she got the chance. She’s got my heart and whatever’s left of my soul too.

She won’t remember me, I realise as I listen to my sister now. If my ban is not lifted I am going to miss my little girl’s first birthday and then the next and the next. I am going to miss her first step, her first fallen tooth. I already missed her birth.

“We got your package,” Veronica says and even through the screen, I can see the shadow that falls briefly over her big blue eyes. She feels guilty for what happened back then and how I got punished for chasing to protect her but she is too afraid to say something. Instead, she is going all out of her way to sound cheerful and as if it is all alright with us, as if that big gaping hole in my life doesn’t exist, or doesn’t matter. I know she is trying for me, and she is looking for the best way to deal with our separation but I can’t stand it. People should not care about me or pity me. Whatever got over my head it was deserved one way or the other. Maybe not for the war, all right was on our side in that case, but definitely, for the crimes I committed before it.

“I hope you like it,” I lie because I don’t even remember what she is talking about. I vaguely recall sending some toys and other stuff for Ariana in one of my stupid shopping sprees where I am too weak to hold back and believe that showering my baby niece will help her remember me as she grows up.

“Everything’s adorable and we all say thank you. But that damn rattle you got, the one with the little castanets? God, I hate that thing. It’s her favorite, and Ian’s too. Every time he’s around they don’t stop knocking this s*hit out, it drives me crazy.”

I reply with something cheesy, while everything inside me is focused on keeping the true feelings away from my face. It should be me, playing with Ariana and the rattle, not some random neighbor next door and I am jealous as f*uck of him. Alright, maybe Ian St. Claire is not exactly some random guy who stole my place but it doesn’t mean I don’t hate him just the same. Even if I barely remember him or how he looked, I still can’t forgive him because he got to stay. As I am reminded of his existence, I can recall the image of some lean guy, taller than most kids but still not as tall as me, with a permanent scowl and a mouth a bit too dirty for my liking. Can’t put a face to the memory for the life of me though.

My wolf chooses this moment to stir awake and I curse myself for not taking the pills this morning as I was too deep in the current project I am working on. I need those pills like I need the air I breathe as they help keep him in check and get rid of the constant nagging of his voice.

As Veronica continues to tell me some story about Ian and the bar he is opening in town in a few weeks, I reach to the lower left drawer of my office desk and fish out the spare bottle of pills I keep there. I try to make it casual, so she doesn’t notice or get too worried about me.

But then Veronica is on my tail, frowning at me through the screen. She didn’t see me eating that pill at least.

“You are still at work?” She asks as she notices the suit and tie which showed up on camera as I leaned down - I kept my phone at an angle so that she only saw me from the neck up. “Dude, you have to take a break, like yesterday.”

“I know,” another lie - I don’t need a break. The only time I take time off is to go to some local bar nearby and pick an easy hookup for the night if the physical need to unload gets too much. That’s it. “I was just wrapping things up as you called.” I wasn’t.

“Who’s still working?” A distant voice comes to me through the screen and a second later Lorkan stirs again. He is awake and restless for some reason, my f*ucking wolf, the sole nature of my lycan existence, and all I can do is shut him off, mentally ignoring him until the pill I popped off screen takes its effect.

“I am on the phone with Victor,” Veronica replies to the person. I hear heavy footsteps behind her and see a snippet of something dark as the guy passes quickly behind her. “Luca’s having Ian for dinner.” She says to me. Of course, he does, why wouldn’t he?

“Listen, I got to go,” I tell her then because even though I love her with all my heart, right now I can’t take any more of this conversation.

“Sure. Glad I got to hear from you…” but as she says it the smile wipes off her face and she looks serious and concerned a second later. “Go take a break, brother. Get some good dinner and get some rest. Even I see how exhausted you are.”

My head nods by reflex in agreement with her as my brain goes into overdrive - from the fact that she cares and I am being unreasonable feeling all this possessive, by the fact I actually care and it is not even her friend’s fault that I am not there. It might be unfair to me, and those damn feelings of confusion and rage and spite might never leave me, just as they are not letting me breathe normally right now but I have to deal with them. Who knows, maybe after tomorrow I won’t have to. But I also have to be prepared to get my damn hopes smashed again and work on my plan B, which is, well… not much different from what I do right now. Surviving.

And Veronica is right of course - I am not taking care of myself and I really need to if I want to be there for her just in case she needs me for something.

“I most definitely will,” I lie to my sister after a second of hesitation, wondering when was it that lying became like second nature to me. The goddess knows I was so uptight and much of a p*rick back in the day, never uttering a real lie in my life. “Just got some papers to finish, didn’t want to bring work home.”

We say our goodbyes and finally hang up. I can’t suppress the sigh of relief that I am finally alone in the dark space of the office and that I won’t have to pretend to be holding it together for the rest of the night.

It’s late late when I finally get back to my apartment and fall head-on into bed without having dinner or even bothering to take my clothes off. Only one night, I think to myself as I surrender to the deep mindless slumber which takes over me when I’ve worked for eighteen hours straight at a time. Only one night and I get to see my homeland again.