Touch of Deception

FOUR

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked. Maybe she just heard it wrong. She doesn't see any reason why this man would ask her to teach him Math. And she isn't good at math for crying out loud! 

She couldn't help but think of reasons why would he want her to teach him math. He didn't even know if she was good or bad at it. She wanted to protest but words can't seem to get out of her mouth because of the disbelief and utter surprise. 

"I said, you can teach me Math as your p*****t for spilling those juice on me," the stranger repeated and she couldn't help but bristle.

"I've given you my p*****t, mister. And it's not my problem anymore if you don't want it."

"Well, it is a problem because I can't accept this," he pointed to the money on the table, "as a payment."

She looked at the money on the table. That was four days' worth of food, she thought. So she picked it up and said, "Then I will take this money back." 

She didn't wait for him to respond and walked away. Even as he called her names several times, she didn't look back. She was wondering if it's possible to transfer to another section in Math class. As much as possible she doesn't want to involve herself with men. Maybe she hasn't gotten over the trauma yet. She still gets flashbacks of what happened. And it sucked. It sucked that she still has to wake up in the middle of the night, panting, convincing herself that it was over, that it was in the past, and that she's safe on her bed. 

It was hard. Some of the nights, she would hurl her guts out and would fall asleep in the bathroom. Some nights, she would stay up all night, looking at the doors and windows. Some nights her mom would hear her screaming and would sit in the bed, calming her. It was hard. But she was getting better. It was a slow process and she doesn't want to compromise it. Not now that she's finally given herself a chance to begin again. 

So she walked faster. Marching her way to her professor's office. And it was when her palms hurt that she realized she was clenching the money a little too hard. 

He wants her to teach him math. Why her? He looked friendly. Surely, he could easily find someone else to teach him. And besides, it's not her fault that he doesn't want to accept her p*****t. But the incident where he spilled his shirt a glass of juice kept repeating on her mind and conscience just ate her. 

Her hand stopped mid-air as she was about to knock on the door. Is this really necessary, though?  She thought. Will it make him stop? He gives her the impression that he's someone who doesn't know when to give up. She sighed and put her hand down. Thinking he would stop eventually.  Hopefully. If he bothers her again, she'll have to tell him straight on she doesn't like to be bothered. The harsher the better. She doesn't care anymore. 

"Homework?" She was pulled out from her thoughts that night when she heard Gail who just went out of the shower. She was wiping the excess water on her neck. She was only wearing her thin shorts and a loose shirt. A sign that her roommate has gotten quite comfortable. Unlike her. She's isn't comfortable enough to be dressing almost naked in the room as Gail does. 

She clicked her tongue and said, "Yeah." She looked at her math exercises and couldn't help but think of that guy again. She doesn't want to end it just that. She had to do something to make up for what she did. A new T-shirt, maybe? She thought. 

She heard Gail groaned as she sat on one of the chairs and turned the TV on. "I hate it when teachers give homework on the very first day," Gail said and she couldn't agree more. "It's like slapping us with the vision of how hard the future classes is gonna be like. Hello! We know college is hard please be more considerate!" She chuckled at her roommates' rants. One thing she discovered about Gail is that she always rants about anything she finds unfair disappointing. The last incident was when they were watching the movie. Gail couldn't stop complaining about how the movie ended. She went on with until the next day and Celeste was glad she had a class that morning or she had to endure her endless rants. 

And at the moment, she was babbling about homework. 

But somehow the homework was hard enough to take her mind off what has been bugging her. She looked at the money on the table. Debating is she'd just use the money and buy him a shirt or just shrug it off since he doesn't want to accept it as p*****t. But after minutes of pondering about it, she decided it's not her problem anymore. If he doesn't want it, then fine. 

"You've been staring at that money since I came in the shower. What's wrong?" 

She looked at Gail whose eyes were on the TV show she was watching. Thankfully, she has stopped ranting. Another thing about Gail, with the little time they had together since, she noticed Gail is a very observant girl. She noticed she wasn't staring at the homework but at the money. 

She cleared her throat. Should she tell her? She shook the thought away. That would mean she'll have to tell Gail about her past, which is something she's not yet ready to do. Not yet. 

"I was just...I was just thinking of how am I going to budget my allowance for several days. I'm planning to save money," she muttered and thanked her brain for a pretty valid excuse. 

Gail munched on her chips. "That's easy. And that's quite a huge amount of money you wouldn't have a problem with it. And I am going to apply for a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant in front of the school. Would you like to come?"

She doesn't really have a problem with the money in the first place, anyway. And she doesn't need to work part-time but she thought it might be a great experience for her. So she just nodded and kept the money. Thankfully, Gail didn't inquire more about it. She spent the rest of the night pondering about it and she couldn't help but feel stupid. Why is she even concerning herself with that guy?

So thinking about anything else, she fell straight to sleep. Something she feared doing before as it was the time she'd get vivid dreams about it. About what happened. 

And then that night, she was in a room. It was dark. Though it was dark she could see the white floral patterns on the ceiling. The room was dimly lit. She doesn't know where the light was coming from. Maybe from the windows in that room, capturing the lights from outside the house. She saw some lanterns hanging on the trees outside the moment she arrived at the house. 

She doesn't remember how she got inside that room. She had a hard time remembering whose house she's in. And then she remembered Therese. Therese was someone she knows from Math class. It was Therese who invited her earlier that afternoon after class about a party. And she's never been to parties before. But she remembered Therese being very convincing that she finally said yes. She remembered having a hard time choosing what to wear that she ended up wearing jeans and a simple T-shirt. 

She looked around the room. Therese's room. She saw posters of famous bands with their signatures. She saw piles of books on the floor and on the shelves. She knew it's just a dream but it the surrounding looked real. The bed felt real. She tried to get up but her head was spinning. She has to get out of there. She knows what's going to happen. The dreams felt like hell as it keeps playing over and over again, and it always ends up with the same result. She was still rape and then got hit by a car. It doesn't change. But maybe this time--

And then the door burst open, revealing a silhouette of a man. Fear crept through her as she somehow knew what's going to happen. She has seen this dream a lot of times. She knows what's going to happen next. 

The man stepped close and she saw another silhouette behind him. There were two of them. She scuttled to the edge of the bed as far as possible and when they stepped closer, she closed her eyes. 

She jolted up from her bed and ran towards the bathroom, hurling her inside out, feeling the cold edge of the toilet against her arms. She tried to contain the sounds of her retching, afraid to wake her roommate up. 

She felt nauseous. It has been a while since she felt this way. And it has been a while since she dreamt about that incident. She flushed the toilet and sat on the cold bathroom floor, waiting for nausea to subside. She was panting. She doesn't know what time it was. But she was sure it's still in the middle of the night judging from the light of the moon coming in from the small bathroom window.

She slowly stood up, bracing her hands against the toilet bowl for support, washed her face, and went back to her room. She looked at her bed, wet with her sweat. She curled herself, pulling the blanket higher to her chin. 

A nightmare. It was just a nightmare. But why now? It's been a long time since she had that kind of dream. She let out a shaky breath as she tried to go back to sleep. Yet the moment she closed her eyes, she could see the silhouette of that man in her dream. It made her nauseous again that she got up and focused on her breathing, just like how they taught her.

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

Breathe.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down. She has to calm herself down. She can't let this win. Not anymore. She can't be a slave to it any longer. She has come this far to shrink it down and she won't let anything destroy what I have been working on so hard to build. 

So she breathed. Thinking about what hell she's been through just to get where she is now. She breathed and breathed until it was not stuffy anymore. Until it doesn't feel suffocating anymore.

She marched to the kitchen to get some water. Sleep won't come to her for a while. So she decided to go through her homework. At least now, she has something else she could be busy with. And thinking about Gail's offer about working part-time. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it will somehow help her get over isolating herself from other people. Maybe it will be a good start.

So with that in mind, sleep finally came to her. Because it feels good to have something to look forward to. 

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