Beauty from Ashes

CHAPTER 37

CHAPTER 37

It’s the morning after that blowup about the Tylenol, and I’m lying in bed. I woke up half an hour ago when Jake got up for work, and now I can’t go back to sleep. The sun won’t rise for a few more hours. I’m not even sure God’s awake this early in the day.

Jake and I didn’t say anything to each other before he left. I don’t even think he noticed that his stupid alarm woke me up.

Some days I’m so glad I married Jake. Other days I don’t have a clue what I was thinking.

We went to the courthouse the morning he proposed. We had no idea there were waiting periods or anything like that. We thought you could just show up and get it done. The clerk told us we could fill out the paperwork that day but we’d have to wait for Thursday to actually go through with it.

Knowing me, knowing how I hate feeling close to someone who might end up abandoning me, you might think I spent those three days on pins and needles. Or maybe I secretly planned ways to sabotage my own happiness like that counselor accused me of doing.

It wasn’t like that. I can honestly say we were happy. Heaven knows I had enough reasons to be literally depressed, except I wasn’t.

I couldn’t believe it was really going to happen. I was really getting married. And to someone like Jake.

If you had asked me back in high school, I’m sure I would have told you my dream man would be like Lincoln Grant. Dark skin. Super sexy. Deep voice. Hard abs. The works.

Man, I have to laugh when I compare Jake to that. But there was something that felt so right about everything at the time. Like I was making the mature decision for a change. I was doing what was best for my daughter. I was providing her with a stable family life. I wasn’t going to be a woman of the world anymore. I was done sleeping around. Done living irresponsibly.

God would be happy with me if I married my baby’s father, right? Doesn’t that kind of go with the whole purity philosophy?

I sort of saw this marriage as my way to get back on the right foot with God. I mean, I knew he hadn’t ever left me, but I also knew my choices weren’t doing anything to make him happy. Who knew? Maybe if Jake and I made our relationship official, God would turn away whatever wrath he was pouring out on our tiny, helpless baby.

If I’d studied the Bible more thoroughly, I might have realized that even getting hitched hadn’t worked out too well for David and Bathsheba and the child they conceived in sin. But that’s the God of the Old Testament, right? The God of the New Testament’s all about mercy and grace.

Thank heavens.

I’ve been thinking more about God since that Sunday service. I’m glad Jake forced me to go with him. It’s kind of like after you eat real healthy for a day or two, and it kick starts something in your body where you want to keep up the good work. That’s how I’ve been feeling spiritually.

I’m married now, and ironically I’m abstinent, at least for as long as Patricia’s been here. That’s got to count for something in God’s eyes, right? And I was really ticked at Jake last night, but I didn’t even yell at him. We had a civil discussion, I let him know my opinion, but I didn’t raise my voice or anything.

Isn’t that how the Bible says women are supposed to behave with their husbands?

And I’ve got a date in my head now. Jake said his mom would leave after Christmas. I think that’s his way of telling me, let’s not rock the boat right before the holidays, but after Christmas is over, I’ll tell her she’s got to go. It’s the best choice, really. He’s right to not kick her out this week of all weeks. That would be cruel.

But now that I see a light at the top of the mother-in-law pit of Hades, I’m starting to think about what it will be like when Jake’s at work and I’m the one taking care of Natalie. I want to be the kind of mom in those magazines, the kind of mom Dr. Bell thinks I am. I’ll get a library card. Start reading her stories like I’d been planning to do all along. It just feels so awkward to hold a book and read to a baby who doesn’t even notice you, but I’ll make myself get used to it.

I feel good. I mean, if I’m going to be taking care of Natalie, I’ve got to get past this parenting autopilot I’ve been on and start engaging with her. I should sing songs to her. I’ve got a pretty good voice. She’ll love it. Maybe we’ll watch America’s Got Talent together. Maybe she’ll be the youngest winner. Maybe one day my baby will become world famous. With that chocolate skin and those perfect almond eyes, I’m sure it could happen.

I get up and do some stretches. I’m not like some girls, you know, who go overboard into fitness, but I like the way my body feels when I’m done. If I’m going to make myself a better person, I’m going all out. That’s why I’m out of bed hours before my usual wake-up time. I’ve got a house to clean. Breakfast to make. Christmas to plan.

I’m shocked to hear myself say this, but I actually think it’s going to be a good day.