Ride the Sunset

Pain

Jacob

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I shut the pizza box. Alastair deserved to know the truth, but I just wasn’t ready to tell him. That didn’t mean I had to lie.

“Honestly, it’s a special day today and…and I didn’t want to be alone,” I told him honestly. Since my eyes were closed, I couldn’t see him or his reaction, so I hurriedly continued. “I know I should give you more than that, but…I just can't. I know I should tell you everything, but…it’s like this mountain in front of me and I wouldn’t even know where to begin,”

“How about at the beginning?” he suggested, but I quickly shook my head. “Right, for some reason, you just can't?”

“Not for some reason, Alastair,” I whispered as I kept my eyes closed. It was almost easier to talk to him this way. “I may be acting childish, but this…this is so much bigger than me. I mean…today…today…” I couldn’t get the words out. Today would have been Julie’s tenth birthday. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words aloud. Because I knew that if I said it, the questions would start. Who was Julie? Why would she have been ten and not turning ten? I couldn’t face those questions now because it would lead to everything else, I was hiding.

“Look, Jacob…I get that you need a friend right now, but this…this thing between us…it’s still too raw…I can't…I can't be that person for you right now,” he explained. Alastair was wrong. He was exactly the right person for me to be around. He was the perfect distraction.

“Ok,” I whispered. It was pointless for me to argue or try to force myself into his life. We both deserved more than that. I took another deep breath, opened my eyes, and walked out of his home.

“Jacob, wait!” Alastair called out. I ignored him as I jogged down the pathway to my car. As soon as I was seated, the tears fell. I didn’t look around, I didn’t look to see if he had followed, I didn’t want to know. I turned the key and sped off as fast as I could. It wasn’t until I was almost home that the tears slowed down. It wasn’t until I was parked in front of my garage that I felt like I could breathe. And it wasn’t until I was inside that I took out my phone and called my mother.

“Hello, Jacob,” she greeted me, and I sighed softly in relief. Her soft tone instantly made me feel like I was wrapped in her arms.

“Hey, Mom,”

“Are you ok?” she asked, and I quickly shut my eyes as I tried to stop another wave of tears. “It’s ok to mourn, Jacob,”

“I know…I am…I have,” I whispered.

“I miss you this year,” she said, and I immediately felt guilty. This was the first year I wasn’t home. Our usual routine on Julie’s birthday wasn’t happening. Or at least, not for me. “They would have wanted you to be happy,”

“They,” I repeated as another wave of pain washed over me. I could hear my mother crying softly, which did nothing to stop my tears. “They…”

“It was an accident,” she managed to say, and I let out a wail of a cry. The pain was too much to bear, but there was no way I would hang up. I needed this. I needed my mother.

“I thought…I thought…I thought leaving…would have…”

“No, baby. Leaving Cidwood will never take it away,” my mother finished what I couldn’t say. “I know you wanted a fresh start, and you deserve that, but it doesn’t matter where you live, you will always remember,”

“I don’t want to remember,” I admitted.

“You don’t mean that,” she scoffed, and I smiled. “I know you don’t mean that,”

“No, I don’t,” I said. I didn’t mean it, but I wanted it. I wanted to forget. I wanted to live my life without the guilt. Without the memories. Without the shame.

“Are you happy?” my mother then asked. I couldn’t answer her, because how could I tell her that no, I wasn’t happy. “What about that boy?”

“He is definitely not a boy, Mom,” I pointed out, and she chuckled.

“Fine, what about that man?” she rephrased her question.

“He…we are just friends,” I said. It hurt that he had basically turned his back on me. I couldn’t blame him though. He had no idea what was going on and that was my fault. Still, it hurt something fierce.

“Oh, baby, it’s ok…maybe someone else will come along and sweep you off your feet,” she said, and while the mood felt lighter, I was still surrounded by darkness.

“Just because you don’t blame me, doesn’t mean that others won't,” I argued.

“Jacob, it was an accident and yes, you have a responsibility, but it isn’t the end of the world. People will understand,”

“People are harsh,” I spat out.

“No, you are being harsh on yourself. Tell me who has been harsh about it?”

“I…”

“Right, you cannot even give me one name,”

“Because I haven’t told anyone…well, I mean, I told Corey…but I hadn’t meant to,”

“And was Corey harsh when you told him?” she asked, and I sighed. “No, he wasn’t. And I bet those friends of yours…your boss…his wife, I bet they will understand,”

“I can't…no,” I said softly. “It’s my burden,”

“Jacob Madison!” she exclaimed, and I cringed. “Burden?!”

“Responsibility,” I quickly corrected.

“Remember who you are, baby,” she then said, and I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Never ever forget,”

“I know, I won't, Mom,” I told her. My phone vibrated in my hand, and I pulled the device away from my ear to see that Alastair was calling me. I quickly declined his call and put my feet up on the coffee table. “So, tell me…what have you got planned this weekend?”