Ride the Sunset

I Can't

Alastair

Mia kept my inbox busy, something that should have irritated me but didn’t. I enjoyed our conversations, and I liked knowing that she wasn’t shy. Mia wasn’t the type of person to keep her feelings to herself and I found it not only refreshing but appealing. I liked knowing she was thinking about me and missing me and our conversations. I liked waking up to her morning messages. I liked falling asleep after saying goodnight. It felt natural. My mind wasn’t filled with thoughts of Jacob, even though I wanted to see him. I wanted to confront him about his late drunken visit. But I didn’t. I held onto that strength and Mia was the perfect distraction. She showed me that there was more to a relationship, and I could feel myself crushing on her. Hard.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Naomi asked as she cradled Asher. Erik also looked over at me and I smiled.

“Thinking about Mia,” I admitted as I watched them. Naomi and Erik had been thrust into parenthood with zero planning, and it suited them. While it was still early days, I could tell that they would be wonderful parents. Strict and firm, but fair and kind. I couldn’t wait to see the twins grow up under their care.

“Ah, the wonderful Mia,” Naomi remarked with a teasing smile. I felt myself blush as I glanced over at Erik.

“Hot date?” he asked, and I shrugged. Our schedules hadn’t aligned, which meant Mia’s picnic date had been postponed and rescheduled four times already.

“Soon,” I said. I didn’t want to jinx it since we were both free this weekend. Mia was planning everything, and I was excited. I couldn’t wait. Especially after we talked about what foods I enjoyed. I had a feeling this picnic was going to turn out to be a gourmet meal for one.

“What about Jacob?” Erik asked and I shot him a look.

“Erik!” Naomi exclaimed.

“What?” he looked at her in surprise.

“What? Seriously, what?” I said as I sat up a bit straighter. “What about Jacob, Erik? He doesn’t want me, and he made that perfectly clear,”

“Oh…oh!” Erik looked even more surprised as he looked between me and Naomi. “I didn’t realize he had finalized that,”

“Oh, he more than finalized it. He friend-zoned me,” I explained. Erik at least had the balls to look sheepish as he awkwardly swayed on his feet. I could tell that he wasn’t sure what to do or say, so I decided to put him out of his current misery. “It’s not ok. I mean, my crush on him hasn’t disappeared or anything, but…it’s time for me to move on,”

“No, no, I get it,” he hurriedly said. “I was just…I was under the impression he was…I don’t…like, I thought he was…shit,” Erik shook his head and left the living room. I turned to Naomi, who looked apologetic and sighed.

“It’s ok,” I told her, even though it wasn’t ok. None of this was ok. “I actually do like Mia, and I’m looking forward to our date,”

“As you should,” she said softly. “But are you sure things between you and Jacob are…final?” her question was one I had asked myself way too many times.

“I’m pretty sure,” I said firmly. “Jacob…he is hiding something. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if it’s something bad…in his opinion or what…but what I do know is that I cannot force myself on someone. I cannot force him to talk to me…I cannot force him to be with me,”

“No, no, of course, not,” she said with a nod. “But I think this is good for you, regardless of whatever happens down the line,”

“Down the line? Down the line, I hope I’m in a happy and healthy relationship,” I stated. It was what I wanted. I wanted that more than anything. “I’ve never had that, babe,” I reminded her.

“I know, and you deserve to find someone and be happy,” she said as she looked down at Asher, who was fast asleep. “You deserve that and more,”

“I agree, which is why I’m trying not to think about Jacob and all the ‘what ifs’…I can't keep doing that to myself,”

“I agree…so, tell me more about Mia,” Naomi suggested as she changed the conversation – for which I was grateful. After another hour or so, I headed home for the evening, and I was super surprised to see Jacob sitting on the porch.

“Have you been waiting long?” I asked him curiously. Jacob was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, which told me he had gone home to change.

“No, about five minutes…maybe ten,” he said with a bright smile. This man was confusing the hell out of me, and I wasn’t sure how to react. “I brought pizza…and beer,” he explained. I noticed the items on the other chair, and I nodded. “Sorry, I probably should have called first instead of inviting myself,”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, even though it wasn’t. I was trying to get over my crush on him. I didn’t need him showing up like this and being sweet. I headed straight for the front door and went inside; Jacob was right behind me. The silence was deafening, but I had no idea what to do or say. Jacob moved around my kitchen effortlessly, and while that didn’t bother me, it should have.

“I remembered how much you liked the pepperoni pizza, so I got that,” Jacob said as he lifted the lid of the box. The smell of fresh dough, cheese, and pepperoni filled the air, and I shook my head.

“What the hell is this, Jacob?” I asked him. “Enough with the games,” I added. Jacob looked over at me and the look on his face broke my heart. “What are you doing here?” I asked when he didn’t say anything else.

“I just…I just…” he tried, and I could tell that he was struggling. Instead of comforting him, as I would have in the past, I merely watched him.