The Sacred Meets The Cursed

Grace Eden Anderson

My bare feet touched the soft texture of the beach and the sound of the sea hitting the shore is acting as natural music for me. A bird flies with a fish on its beak towards its destination and my camera automatically rises to snap this wonderful cycle of nature. This is how I spend all my weekends. In these past four years, I was able to find a sanctuary where I can calmly enjoy the breeze, be alone with my thoughts. The families, kids, teenagers are on the other side of Carmel beach. Like back in LA, I was able to find an isolated place on one of the busiest beaches in the country. I would say that hunting an isolated part of the beach is my talent. After a while, I settled down on my beach towel with my camera.

I took out my photo journal and started to scribble down the date. Another day of exploring and yet I feel incomplete and utterly alone. I have great friends, a loving family, and a decent, loving boyfriend but it is just not enough. I am lacking something the worst part is I don’t know what and where is the missing part. I don’t think I will ever feel complete, I will just learn to be content with what I have and stop being an ungrateful brat. I should learn to be grateful and enjoy this life I am privileged to have received. Pfft! Who am I kidding I can never be content. No matter, how unhappy I am, I will always keep that inside me and cover it with a smile; because no one understands.

I took out my Polaroid camera and clicked few snaps of the beach. The twilight shade in the sky made my usual weekend Polaroid ethereal. I shook the film and pasted it in my journal. With a smile on my face, I wrote down the thoughts of my mind. This brown journal here is my best friend along with my actual human friends, Thomas and Penelope. But with this journal, I don’t have the fear of being misunderstood or judged.

My phone has been blinking for a while now but I refuse to be distracted by anyone or anything at this one moment where I feel myself and smile genuinely. I shut down my journal and packed my belongings ready to return back to my boring black and white life. I picked up the phone and barked at my best friend.

“What?”

“Somebody is in a good mood.” Sarcasm was dripping heavily in his voice.

“I was in a good mood till someone decided to call me,” I replied to him with the same tone of voice.

“Your boyfriend is sitting over my head, fussing that his girlfriend is not picking up his phone.” I removed the phone from my ear and saw missed calls and messages. Dammit!

“Tell him, I am on my way,” I said calmly and hung up the call without waiting for his response. Urgh! Now I have to face another one of his tantrums. This has been happening a lot lately and I am not fond of his over the possessive side. I liked the old him who had the understanding of space. I am losing my interest in business, I am upset and irritated all the time but can’t seem to express it which is adding up to my bottled-up frustration. I am having all kinds of mood swings which is very unusual for me because I am known for my calm and soothing nature. Everything is changing!

We will be graduating in a month and I have absolutely no idea what I did in these four years. Oh, I think I followed the path my parents paved for me and made everyone happy except for myself. I have to stop whining and pave my own way. This is the phrase I keep repeating to myself every day, but it hasn’t gotten me anywhere yet. I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot and looked through the rearview mirror, I swear I felt like somebody was watching me. It’s probably my skepticism making me paranoid but I have seen too many murder documentaries to let this slide. I kept a close eye on the vehicles behind me and took a different route to my apartment. You can never be too safe.

Penelope and I live together after our sophomore year. I met her first when I came to Stanford, she was my roommate in the dorm. Thomas and I have been friends since middle school and we moved here together. He is pursuing chemistry and is a total science nerd. Penelope like me is pursuing business administration. Unlike me, she actually likes to be here. We moved out of dorms when both of us landed a good internship and side jobs to sustain ourselves. Penelope was working hard to make her future whereas my future is already determined. I am expected to take over my father who owns Anderson corp. My older brother got out of the family business by choosing to become a doctor, that’s such a noble job; I can’t even stay mad at him for dropping this dump on me. He is in New York and visits during the holidays. He promised me he will be flying for my graduation.

As I drove into the underground parking, I saw a Blue Volvo and I knew who it belonged to. The music in the elevator of this building is mind-numbing, sometimes to avoid it I prefer to take the stairs. I unlocked the door and saw a figure pacing across the room and my two best friends, Thomas and Penelope who by the way are very much together sitting on the couch. They are one of the best couples who understand and support each other at every step of their life. I envy what they have because even at our best, I never had that with Justin. I can’t blame everything on Justin. We were pretty fine when we started dating in freshman year but things never seemed to work out for us. We were always on and off, now this loneliness is overwhelming to the point where I can’t even focus on anything else than me. It is well said that when your heart is not at rest, everything around you turns into huge chaos. I am equally to blame for this falling apart with Justin as I am definitely not the girl he liked anymore and I know that but I can’t deal with this right now. Even my pretense of happiness is failing. All the eyes turned on me and Justin stopped his pacing and walked up to me.

“Where the hell were you?” His voice was stern and annoyed. Tom and Penny gave us privacy.

“Don’t take that tone with me,” I said sternly as well. The innocence and my calm nature don’t mean I am going to take anyone’s tantrum. I dropped my bag on the couch and opened the fridge to take out a bottle of water. “And you are very well aware that on Sunday, I go to the beach. What’s with all the fuss?” I was getting annoyed now with his attitude. I struggled with the bottle cap, any overwhelming emotion in my heart causes shivering all over my body. Justin the bottle from my hand and opened it for me.

“Hey calm down! I was worried, you were not picking up your phone or replying to any messages. I don’t even know which beach you were at, what if you got into any trouble?” His voice was calmer now.

“Well I didn’t and the beach is the safest place with all the people on the weekend.” For few weeks, there have been rumors of some gang moving around in the town and I can understand his concern but my rational side is not ready to function.

“I at least know you this much, that you will never be with the crowd.” He held my hand in his, “Grace, I know you hate it when I try to get in your space but I am sorry I can’t help it. You are really important to me.” The intensity in his voice increased my heartbeat. “I can’t bear the thought of even single harm towards you. So promise me till this problem with gangs doesn’t end, you will not go to the beaches alone. I will go with you, we can make that our routine, something only we share.” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. I want this more than anything, one person with whom I can share everything with but I doubt it will be you, Justin. I stepped back from his hold and looked into his eyes. Something was different today.

“Fine, it’s only for few weeks anyway.” I shrugged and with my word a smile made way to his lips. He leaned down and pecked my lips.

“Love you. I will get some pizza for dinner.” He said and grabbed his car keys. I could bring myself to reply to him and he didn’t notice either.

“You guys can come out,” I yelled at the people in hiding and slumped on the couch. They peeked their head out and that made me chuckle at their behavior.

“That was intense,” Thomas commented. Penelope just nodded her head.

“What is it?” I asked her directly.

“What? Nothing?” she adverted her eyes from us.

“There is something, c’mon penny.” Tom and I kept on pestering her till she gave in.

“Okay fine, I can’t hide anything from you. But you can’t tell him that I told you, he will get pissed at me.” She took a deep breath and looked at me. Her eyes were sparkling with excitement, okay now I am scared and curious at the same time. “Justin is going to propose to you on graduation night.” She blubbered out in a single breath. My breath hitched at her words. My eyes widened and if possible my jaw would have dropped to the floor. “I am so excited, there is so much to do. We need to go shopping Grace.” I could not hear half the things Penny was speaking, I kept on swallowing to control the overcoming emotions. I am not ready for this and definitely not with Justin. I can’t get stuck again. Thomas shushed her and came to stand beside me. He kept his hands on my shoulder.

“Grace!” He whispered.

“Tom, I can’t do this. I can’t pretend anymore, I…I…” I could not even complete my sentence.

“Hey, hey nobody is pushing you at all. Don’t feel obliged to answer him.” Tom tried to console me but it didn’t work for me. No matter how annoyed I am with Justin, he is the only person I came close to trusting except for tom and Penelope. I can’t break his heart. Maybe this won’t be so bad, we might be able to work through and build a great life.

“I know,” I replied with a smile which definitely didn’t convince Tom. Justin returned after some time and I asked them not to discuss anything and act nonchalantly. Now I could understand the reason behind the difference in his behavior. Are any of us both ready for this huge commitment? He could not keep his hands to himself today, he kept on caressing my cheeks, hands. Justin and I started dating after 6 months of college and he was a very gentle, loving boy but we were always at different. Every time, we were on a break, he always managed to raise the spark again between us. I thought I loved him but now I can see that I only had a great liking towards him which I mistook as love. I don’t know what love is, but maybe if I pursue our relationship, I might love him, right?

For the next week, Justin was always around, and trust me, we learned more about each other in these weeks than what we got to know in four years. He is a great company, he doesn’t share the same love for nature and photography but he really enjoys seeing my work. I talked to my brother and told him about Justin. He told me to listen to my heart, but that’s the most difficult part. My heart is a great struggle to come to a decision.  Are the shivers, sparkle, butterflies in the stomach just made for books and movies? Will I never find someone who is capable of rising these feelings and emotions in me?