#22 – HEAVY ON HER CONSCIENCE
2137 Words
He kept a slow pace to match hers. Something had changed between them. Myra wasn't ready to accept it but she couldn't deny, his presence didn't bother her as much now as it did before. Moreover, she surprisingly wasn't worried about anything. She kept asking herself, 'what is wrong with me? I should be worried about my team. About contacting them. It's more than 4 days. I can be suspected, disowned, declared dead but I can't seem to care about it. These days feel like a relief, a vacation I didn't know I needed.' Her subconscious contradicted, 'it's a vacation that you needed or him? Is it his presence that is making everything so interesting? Are you loving it?' She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts. "So, automobile and weaponry ha? Weird combination?" She asked after the awkward silence.
"It's Interesting how you get someone to spill everything while keeping a tight grip on your own words and actions. Im…pressive." He smirked, impressed.
He was right after all. Myra's firm grip over her emotions was something that gave her advantage over others.
Even if she was furiously angry, or breaking inside with pain, or pale from shock, the little curve on her lips and her opaque eyes won't give anything away. This made it difficult to spot her vulnerable state. The part of herself that she shared only with her current family, her team.
"It's ok if you don't want to answer." She shrugged hearing his taunt.
"Okay then let's put it this way. I'll ask one question and you ask one." He made a deal.
"Okay. I'll go first. You did tell me how you found me. But Why were you in Indonesia? Stalking me?"
"I had to meet a supplier." Again, he regretted after it slipped out. He should learn something from her.
"You know the name of the supplier?" She investigated hoping to get to know some more about it.
"No, I didn't get to meet them. Okay my turn. Who is Amaan?"
"How do you know that name?" She asked, astonished.
"Save the question for your turn. Now answer."
"My husband." She replied with a sad smile on her lips looking forward and waited for his reaction.
Shahmeer smiled cryptically. "Deceased or divorced?" He asked, placing his hands in his pockets.
"Why would you say that? He... could be alright."
"No, he couldn't. No man in his right mind would let you go." He replied honestly looking into her eyes.
"What does that mean?" She asked.
"That means you're too good. Now my turn." He smirked and she cursed herself. She lost her turn on a stupid question. He deliberately did that. "Why did you have a smile while you were dying? Aren't you afraid of death?" He asked, her injured, smiling face still captured in his eyes.
"Afraid?" She smiled. "Death is the last thing I'm afraid of. It's all welcome. I don't understand why people fear death so much. It erases all the pain and struggle. I mean look at me... I'm in so much pain, scarred and weak. It hadn't been this way if I had died right. It's a peaceful dreamless slumber. I... I don't mind dying at all. I would be-” her words were stopped when a strong palm painfully covered her jaw.
"Don't ever say all that again.” He whispered bringing his face closer and stared at this psychotic, cynical woman he couldn't help but feel sad for. How strong she pretended. How emotionally crippled she really was without realizing it. "Okay that's it for today. We're going back.” he ordered and before she could say another word, she was yanked in his arms.
"What are you doing? Put me down.”
"I need to reach fast. Can't keep walking with your baby steps.”
He snapped and kept walking while keeping a hard face. He was so close. His scent was thicker, almost overpowering. Her heart raced at the proximity and she tried to distract herself looking here and there but failed miserably every time. All she could focus on was, his rough beard, sculpted jawline, tiny beads of sweat forming on his forehead as the sun began getting stronger.
"You remember the way back to the Cottage?" She asked as he walked nonstop.
"I know every bit of this Jungle. I can navigate in and out as I please. No one else can do it." He said with a smirk guessing her intentions.
"How exactly?" She asked in a daze. "Just the specific trees, particular rocks of different shapes and sizes stand as landmarks. They help you get through." He replied casually.
"And what about night when you can't see these marks?"
"For that I carry a compass. You just have to keep walking north and within a few kilometers, you reach the highway." He answered.
"Oh." She said uninterested but preserved in her mind that piece of information hoping it would be useful someday as they kept moving.
***
—Indonesia—
Bryan fruitlessly kept combing throughout the entire part of the country where they lost her. He had to report back.
Shermon called him to alert him about the change of plans. He realized They couldn't fool Nisha into not having a video call with Myra. Now Shermon was supposed to say that Myra had a serious crash and was lying comatose in a hospital, with Bryan taking care of her.
At last, he reached the hospital where he could have some clue of Myra's whereabouts.
***
—Log Cabin—
As they reached the log cabin, she sat downstairs on the couch. She was sick of that bed.
"Are you hungry?" He asked as she seated herself.
"Umm I can eat. Are you?" She asked.
"Hm. I brought chicken sandwiches." He said and Myra made a face.
"What about the fruits you brought yesterday?" She asked.
"You don't like sandwiches?" He asked.
"Actually... I... I don't eat meat." She replied.
"Really?" He said as if that really surprised him but Myra mistook it for mockery.
"No offence to non-vegetarians but the idea of killing innocent animals for food does not go well with me." She retorted.
He chuckled.
"What's so funny?"
"I'm sorry. It just doesn't fit. You can't stand killing animals while you walk around killing humans like they were nothing?" He was honestly confused.
"I did mention the word 'innocent', didn't I?" She replied with the same cryptic smirk.
"Okay. I'll bring something vegetarian next time."
"Not 'vegetarian'." She said using air quotes. "Just meat. I do eat eggs and dairy products."
Myra Started cutting the fruits and taking small bites while Shahmeer kept staring at her.
"Myra?"
"Hm?"
"Was everything between us a lie?" He asked in a low voice.
"What?" She didn't understand.
He shook his head. "I mean... that day when you called me after weeks and said, 'I needed time to think. I don’t just flirt around.' I gave myself hope that you actually feel something for me. When we met at the Coffee shop, you told me you 'wanted' to see me again. I was so happy. Then at my home, you told me you felt safe with me. My happiness knew no bounds. Was all that real?"
"No Shahmeer. Nothing was real. All that was a lie. My perfect plan. Nothing more. I don't want you to be deluding yourself into believing something that can never happen. So, here's the truth. It was nothing. It meant nothing." She said flatly in an unwavering voice. She wasn't afraid of anything but now... She was afraid of hurting him. She leaned back on the couch and stayed there in silence.
Shahmeer couldn't put his feelings into words. He couldn't describe how helpless he felt.
Despite being so powerful, a ruler, how powerless he was against her heart that didn't beat for him. No man is good enough and no power is strong enough to rule over the heart of any woman without her consent. You can claim her body but still watch the soul belong to someone else.
After a few hours of sitting and casual conversations, during which both were careful about what they were letting the other person know, it got uninteresting.
"If you have to say something, say it." She said irritated by his disturbing stare and a long-stretched silence.
He sighed, covered the distance between them and asked, "Myra all those things you said about death, do you really feel that way?"
"Well by the condition I'm in now and by the life I have lived, I can say, death may be bad but to keep living is worse.'' She replied without any hint of sadness or pain in her voice.
'What have you lived through? Why do you talk like that? How much pain do you hide behind that cryptic smile?' He kept his questions in his mind because he knew if he asked, she would never answer properly. There was an invisible line between them. Line of conduct, doubt, distrust but despite everything, he couldn't help himself from being drawn towards her. He was completely into her, irrevocably and totally. He didn't know what the consequences of this would be. He didn't know if he would ever be able to say it to her or would she ever be able to understand but he did not want to worry about that right now. All he wanted was to live in this moment. these moments that he had stolen from time and destiny.
***
Shahmeer came out of his long line of thoughts when he saw her eyes closed as she fell asleep on the couch. 'Maybe it's time to reduce the power of drugs a little.'' He said to himself. A smile crept on his face as he cleared the disturbing hair strands off her face. The evening was setting in and so he gently scooped her in his arms, careful not to wake her up. Even then, she opened her Eyes and weakly closed them back with an irritated look on her face but a complete feeling of security that he would never harm Her. This small gesture made his heartbeat dance in happiness.
***
"Wow I'm recovering fast. Look." She said excitedly holding a hand in front of his face.
"Yeah, you are." He said dryly tired, after a long day of walks, cooking and talking.
"Shahmeer Now I can leave right?" She asked the question he didn't want to hear.
"Hm? Sure. Just a few more days." He replied looking down in a requesting tone.
Myra knew it was wrong. She could walk, run and leave but when he mentioned a few more days she didn't have the heart to say no. Maybe because she was used to his presence, his warmth, his care. No matter how strong and tough we pretend, we're human beings. In the end, we long for care, crave for trust, thirst for love and when we get that, it gives us contentment and it becomes hard to let go.
She reminisces the last time she felt like this. That everything was falling apart and then… it was actually falling into place.
—9 Years Ago—
—Toronto, Canada—
—Myra's Home—
I was lost in thoughts, staring in space, watching the night stars from my room's balcony when I was hit by a paper ball. I angrily looked down with sleepy eyes and my eyes shot open at the sight. I covered my mouth to stop a scream as I stared at the view before me. He was here. Looking up. At me. But how? I never expected that he could break the barriers of race, cross the deep ocean of blood and family and come to me. No! no! no! My sick mind is playing games with me. Maybe I am thinking too much about him. I thought rubbing my eyes as another paper ball hit me. I didn't know what to do. I was speechless, my throat forgot how to utter words, my heart beating louder, so hard that like it would come crashing through my T-shirt, all my senses had stopped working and my legs had a brain of their own. I rushed downstairs and out of the house and stood face to face with him. Silence prevailed. I just stood staring into his brown eyes and he did the same. Finally, he broke the silence, "I am here Myra. I am here for you." Those words that I had been longing to hear, were finally said by him but what changed? how did it happen? I had still not gotten over his rejection. If that happens again, I would never be able to get myself together.
- Writer
