Found Again

Chapter 1-2

‘You need to get dried off and changed, where are you staying?’

‘Campsite up there.’ Not remotely eloquent but my answer coupled with a vague hand gesture along the beach seemed enough for her and she took my arm and started to lead me along the beach.

We walked in silence. For my part I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say and the temptation to run was still hovering just under the surface. Her arm was linked through mine in a gesture that was once so common, so comfortable but now felt quite odd.

I tried to keep my attention focused on the dog as he bounded ahead, playing in and out of the surf but I couldn’t help but sneak a peek at the face I never thought, and maybe hoped, I’d see again. She was smiling! How could she be happy when my guts were tying me in knots and threatening to make me vomit?

The thirty minute walk to the campsite seemed to take an eternity and as soon as we entered she scanned the few tents in residence, immediately setting off for my little corner, toward the tent we had shared so many nights in.

‘I’ll wait here for you.’ As she settled herself into the camping chair I’d set up outside the tent, I unzipped the front just enough to launch myself through the opening, zipping it tightly behind me, sitting on the floor and taking deep breaths while I trembled.

I don’t know how long I sat there motionless, my brain spinning, my mouth dry, but eventually my cold, wet clothes brought me back to reality and I stood as best as I could in the small space and stripped.

Despite the warmth I felt chilled to the bone, whether from shock or from the water I didn’t know but I pulled on a pair of jeans, a tee shirt and a sweatshirt, hugging myself in an attempt to warm up.

I was tempted to just stay in the tent and hide but a flimsy sheet of canvas was hardly an effective defence, so carrying dry trainers and socks in one hand and my wet clothes in the other; I left the tent, marvelling at the vision before me.

She had turned the chair and was sitting with her head thrown back, her face turned to catch the warmth and light of the sun, her eyes closed and a small smile played at the corners of her mouth. Her long, graceful legs were stretched out in front of her and she looked totally relaxed and amazingly beautiful and I felt my heart break just a little bit all over again.

I threw my wet clothes onto the bonnet of the car to dry and turned back to her, her eyes now appraising me openly.

The shock was starting to wear off and speech was now possible but I was still on an emotional knife edge. I wasn’t sure what I’d like to do most – slap her or kiss her.

‘So, how have you been Jo?’

She didn’t answer immediately and her face turned rueful but eventually she stood and came to sit in front of me on the blanket where I’d sat to put my shoes and socks on.

‘I’m ok. How are you?’

I looked into her eyes and saw that the question was genuine. There was concern in her eyes that begged and honest answer but I wasn’t sure exactly what the answer should be. 30 short minutes ago if someone had asked how I was I’d have responded that I was fine, happy even, but now?

‘I’m ok. Now the shock’s worn off a bit.’ It was the best I could do under the circumstances.

‘Not the way we planned to spend time together in Cornwall is it?’ I wanted to slap the f*****g smile from her face but instead I practically spat an answer at her.

‘No, but then none of our other plans exactly worked out well either did they! Jesus Jo, you walked out on me three f*****g years ago and here you are sitting there comfortably like it’s been 3 hours.

I’m sorry but this is hard for me ok? I’ve spent so much time trying to forget you, trying to get over you and I’d just about managed it. I’d just about managed to get my life back on track after the car crash it became when you left and now..... and now......I don’t know up from down!’

Before I knew it I was in her arms. A brief conscious thought told me I should pull away but the comfort she was giving me was too great as she held me tightly as I sobbed. The dam had burst and there would be no stopping the torrent until it had run its course. She made gentle shushing noises and stroked my hair and back as I cried until my throat was sore and I had no more tears left to shed.

I finally looked up into her face and saw the tears that also stained her face, but she was still smiling damn her!

‘I’m so sorry Vicki. I’m sorry that I hurt you so badly. I’m sorry that I never gave you the chance to talk about things before I left and I can’t tell you how good it is to see you again.’

Despite everything I had to smile too and as she kissed me on the cheek I felt my eyes tear up again.

‘How long are you staying?’

‘I’m not sure, a few days maybe. I was going to spend some time exploring the area, I haven’t got definite plans.’

‘Vicki I have to go now, I have an appointment with my accountant that I can’t miss but can we have dinner later?’

It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear but the only thing I could think to say was:

‘Why?’

‘Why? Why do I want to have dinner with you?’ she looked totally incredulous that I should ask such a question.

‘I don’t understand why you want to see me later. I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again. I’m not sure it’s a good idea Jo, from my point of view at least.’

Those liquid brown eyes had hurt written all over them and she seemed crestfallen. It had taken all my courage to turn her down and I desperately needed her to just walk away and let me be; just this brief encounter was going to be hard enough to bear. I was already mentally packing everything up into my car and heading back to London the second she was out of sight.

‘Please Vicki? It’s just dinner and then if you like you don’t ever have to speak to me or see me ever again. Just one evening, a couple of hours even? Please? I know I probably don’t deserve it but pleeeease?’

My god! I couldn’t remember Jo ever begging for anything in her life! Ok, so that’s not entirely true, I can remember her laying on her back and looking down at me between her legs and begging me to stop teasing her, to give her release, but that’s the only reason I’ve ever known her beg.

Once again my body betrayed me. I had fully intended to stand my ground and refuse but then I was never any good at denying her anything.

‘Oh ok! But just a couple of hours.’

She hugged me tightly again and the familiar feeling of her arms around me was my complete undoing.

‘Thank you Vicki! I’ll pick you up here at 7 this evening.’ and she kissed my cheek and took off across the campsite, the Labrador springing after her as I sat on the blanket in a state of shock and bewilderment.

I sat like that for some time, replaying events in my head over and over again, still trying to convince myself that it had been real, that I hadn’t fallen and bumped my head and hallucinated the whole thing.

And then something strange happened. I smiled. I mean I REALLY smiled. The smile became a laugh and before I knew it I was rolling around on the blanket holding my sides in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

I was never a cowardly person; I had always faced up to my problems head on until Jo left me in such a way that I had no recourse to action. All I could do was watch her go. Now I had a chance to actually talk to her about it, to get it out of my system once and for all, to finally set myself free.

Yes I still loved her, still wanted her and to be honest with myself, I was interested in what she’d done with her life. I genuinely wanted her to be happy, so yes I would meet with her, we would talk and catch up as adults and friends and then we would go our separate ways again, by which time her ghost would be gone and I could finally get on with the rest of my life.

At least that was the plan.

By 7pm I was feeling remarkably calm and in control. At least comparatively. I had showered and changed, drunk a couple of beers from the campsite shop and was sitting outside my tent reading a book and listening to my MP3 player.

My calm was temporarily rattled when I saw a large, dark car being driven across the grass toward my tent with Jo as a passenger in the front; surely she wouldn’t bring her damn husband along? Order was soon restored however when the car turned slightly and I could see the taxi sign on the side.

She waved and called to me out of the open window and I climbed into the back, the car bumping over the grass and back onto the road. The journey was only a few minutes but Jo was chatting away to the driver the whole way. My reservations came back slightly, after all – she could’ve married a taxi driver for all I knew, but when the car stopped and she paid the driver while saying she hoped to catch up with him and his wife sometime soon I settled down again.

We’d been dropped off outside a restaurant that was sat on a bluff overlooking the sea. As soon as we entered we were met by a waiter who showed us to a table on the veranda, the evening sun sparkling off the wave tops making it shine like silver. Damn! Did she have to pick somewhere so bloody romantic?

We ordered a bottle of wine and for few minutes neither of us said very much, we just sat and admired the view of the setting sun and the boats in the distance. Finally I heard Jo clear her throat.

‘You look very different Vicki, I might never have recognised you, why the change?’

It was true that I’d changed a lot since she last saw me but I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. I finally decided that I may as well be totally honest as I may never get another chance.

‘I didn’t look after myself very well for a while when you left. Once I realised what I was doing I started to put things right. I’d already lost some weight because I wasn’t eating and I started going to the gym to keep myself busy. I died my hair a while later – I think I was trying to eradicate the old me and start again. I wanted to get rid of the person who hadn’t been good enough for you and replace her with someone new, someone better, more worthy.’

‘I really did a number on you didn’t I?’ She looked so sad as she reached across the table and took my hand, caressing the back gently with her thumb.

‘Honestly Jo, I was a mess when you left. I had no warning and no chance for discussion; it was a complete bolt from the blue. I didn’t even know where you were; in fact the next I heard was that you were getting married.’

Now it was my turn to look sad as a fleeting image of her being intimate with another person flashed across my mind.

Just then our entrees arrived and Jo asked if we could keep the conversation at least a little lighter while we ate, promising to answer any of my questions once we’d finished our meal.