Pregnant with the Bad Boy

21

My fingers as I waited for the call to connect, and I heard his surprised voice on the other end.

“Jenni?” His voice was wistful and worried at the same time as he knew I would never hear from him unless I had to.

“Hey Dad...” I heard my own voice, the word felt unfamiliar to say, like it was someone else talking.

“Has something happened?” His voice must have heard me crying and I pulled myself up from my knees where I had been leaning.

“Yes. I need your help.” He was silent on the phone for a while before answering in a confident voice.

“Anything.” He sounded happy and his voice trembled a little as I nodded on the other side knowing he couldn't see it.

“It's my boyfriend Dylan.” I knew he'd never seen Dylan; this would be an exciting way to introduce him to Dad.

What about him? Dad sounded impatient like he thought Dylan had done something bad to me when it was the other way around.

“He hurt himself helping me, he's lost a lot of blood and I need help getting him home from the hospital...” I fell silent as he didn't seem to know what to say on the other side.

“I thought if you just help me get him up you can go again, and I won't bother you anymore...” I swallowed hard as his voice sounded sad as if he wanted to cry too.

“You're not bothering me, Jenni. Never.” His voice made me cry again and I angrily pulled the tears away with my hands, damn him for sitting there and saying everything I didn't want to hear.

“I'm still mad at you, but I want to try and forgive you, for Dylan's sake.” My voice was firm now and he sighed on the other side but sounded a little lighter in the air.

-if he makes you want to do it, I know he's a good guy. I rolled my eyes at his lame comment with a faint smile and looked at my beautiful husband.

-He is, more than I deserve. I lay forward on his chest lightly and listened to the way he breathed easily, I was glad he had been spared all this crap I had been given by both my mother and Mandy.

-I'm coming baby. I wanted to protest the way he just talked to me like I was ten years old again but instead I just mumbled thanks and hung up.

I must have fallen asleep to myself as a hand touched my head and I looked up stitching at Dylan's still pale face, he smiled faintly at me as he stroked my head with his large hand in exasperation.

“Hey babe.” His voice was tired, and I took his free hand and kissed it hard before placing it against my cheek.

“You i***t! Why are you so stupid and didn't tell me you got hurt!?” I let the tears fall onto his hospital blanket, I was so angry with him but so happy he was okay.

His smile turned into a weak laugh that was almost inaudible as I looked at him angrily.

“There's my ray of sunshine.” He smiled wider at my anger, and I angrily blinked away the tears that stubbornly fell as he lay there laughing as if he hadn't been hurt.

“Shut the hell up Dylan, you scared me half to death.” I growled the words and he pulled me close as I gently laid my head on his chest.

“I'm sorry.” His voice was honest now and I closed my eyes, no it was my fault, I was the one who should be begging for his forgiveness.

“It's all my fault…” I had put my arm around his waist and hugged him nervous about letting him go again.

“No...” he was smiling again now; I could hear it and I sighed and stood up and looked into his eyes.

“You know I'm no good for you right? That I'm ruining your life?” My voice was full of sadness, and I was about to start crying again.

His face was hard now, like it looked from the beginning of our relationship, and I unconsciously drew in a breath at his coldness.

“Jennifer. Stop.” His eyes were hard as stone, and I cried again.

“It's true, everything I touch gets ruined, you'd be better off without me...” I fell silent at the way his face was so angry that he couldn't seem to get a word out.

“Are you going to leave me?” his eyes quickly turned to me, and I shook my head in shock at his terrible question, I'd rather die.

“Never.” I took his hand, and his gaze softened a little now and I understood how it had sounded like, I was an i***t.

“Stop talking a lot of f*****g nonsense then.” His voice softened as I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried out loud like the stupid girl I was.

“I love you so much and I was so scared when you were lying there and I couldn't do anything, they wouldn't even let me come in to see you.” I sobbed as I looked up at his smiling face now that had an understanding look in the grey eyes.

“Nothing can stop you, Jen.” His eyes were secretive as he spoke of something only he knew about and I nodded heavily, that was probably it.

 “Dylan, we're getting married, as fast as we can.” I had taken his hand and he looked at me in surprise, I think it was the first time I had seen him as mute as he was now.

“you wanted to wait?” His eyes were suspicious, and I waved away his concern with my hand when he finally answered me.

“I know, but I never want to feel like I did when they wouldn't let me see you, and I love you more than anything in the world.” I looked hopefully at his still suspicious gaze and I looked at him pleadingly.

“But your family, you want your parents too...” he looked uncomprehendingly at my face then dropped his head and looked up at him again with sad eyes.

“they don't understand.” His eyes became sad and it cut into me as I took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

“I don't care what they think Dylan, I love you and want to be your wife.” He didn't look at me as I spoke as convincingly as I could, it pained me that mum and Mandy wouldn't give us the support I had hoped for, but I didn't give a s**t about them, I just wanted him.

“no.” He looked at me seriously and I blinked uncomprehendingly at his de-icing.

“I thought this was what you wanted...” I fell silent, feeling stupid, not understanding what I had done wrong.

“I want too Jen, but I don't want you fighting with your family because of me.” He had made up his mind and I stood up out of frustration and stared down at where he lay.

“I say I want to f*****g marry you, like you asked me to and now you say no!?” I wanted to scream if it weren't for the fact that we were in such a public place.

He sighed wearily as he had already figured out how I would react.

“I know what I said, but I also know that you would regret it for the rest of your life if you did it without them being there.” His eyes followed me and I laughed at the frustration he was giving me, no matter what I did nothing was right, how could I give more if he wouldn't let me do it!

“I have to!” I sank back down, and he looked uncomprehendingly at my reaction as I resignedly looked at him in shame.

“I want to do this so that you will understand how much I love you, and that I want to give you as much as you give me...” I fell silent as his face changed from uncomprehending to exasperated again as I shamefully looked at him.

“As much as I give you?” His voice was annoyed as it always was when he thought I was talking nonsense.

“Mandy said that I take more from you than I give, that I use you for my own benefit... I drew in my breath -and she's right.” I closed my eyes hard at the awful truth as I suddenly heard his laughter filling the room, we were sitting in.

“What the hell does she know about what I get from you?” He continued to laugh amusedly and sat up awkwardly, I looked uncomprehendingly at his nonchalance at what I had said.

“She's right Dylan, I need you all the time, I can barely get through a whole day without you...” his laughter disappeared as he stared safely into my eyes.

“That's called being in love Jen.” His voice was serious again and I sighed, he didn't understand what I meant.

“Remember how I said I was unhappy back in school? I'm still like that, Dylan.” it stung me to have to tell him the truth, that he would see the side I liked least about myself.

He sat there quietly, seeming to ponder what I had said before he opened his eyes that had been resting on the duvet.

“I know. I've always known Jenbabe.” His voice was so sad that it hit me when he said it and I knew I was going to cry again at the way my eyes burned from all the tears that had already fallen.

“have you?” I looked stupidly at his weak smile that didn't reach his beautiful eyes.

“I knew it the second you opened your eyes and looked at me in the hospital.” His voice was ashamed and remorseful.

“My mother looked exactly the same.” His shoulders slumped and I wanted to cry again, I didn't want to be his mother's ghost.

“I'm not her, Dylan.” I looked seriously into his eyes, and he nodded in agreement to my custody.

“No, you're not, but I know you feel the same way she did.” He grimaced in pain, and I took his hand in horror and clutched it tenderly in mine, why was he so f*****g smart for his own good?

“And as for what your sister thinks or doesn't think about our relationship, I don't give a s**t, she hardly knows anything about love and yet she's supposed to be some expert?” He looked at me questioningly and I was glad that we changed the subject from me to her, at least for the moment.

“She wants what’s best for you... she cares about you...” I defended her of course, he was sniggering, and I was smiling now, that was the absolute best thing about Dylan, he always made me smile.

“I know, but I don't want you to think that you don't give me anything, I get everything from you, you make me whole.” His words still warmed me to the depths of my heart, I didn't deserve him.

“and you me.” we sat quietly now and he smiled at me, I smiled back silly, I don't know why but it felt like the air was a bit easier to breathe, Dylan knew and understood me, I didn't have to hide my feelings from him, even if they weren't good at the moment.

“so when can I leave this place?” He looked around restlessly while I just sat there, still smiling like a fool.

“babe? When did they say I could go home?” His voice was annoyed but only a little as he himself was still smiling when he looked at me.

“I don't know, but we have to wait.” I had forgotten in everything that I had called dad, this would be fun.

“Dylan, my dad will help you back.” I said it quickly like trying to pull off a band-aid, quickly and as painlessly as possible. It didn't seem to help as his face went hard again and I knew it was because he still had a fresh memory of me lying on the floor and crying after his last visit.

“I can't do it by myself baby...” and I want to try to forgive him for what happened... I looked carefully at his face which changed a little from what I said until he finally chuckled to himself.

“for your sake Jen, I'll try not to beat him when I see him, considering the way he left you yesterday.” His voice was harsh and I involuntarily shuddered, there he was, my incurable protector who would even take on my dad if he had to.

“that's all I ask.” I leaned over and kissed his still sullen face as he caught me with his arm and pulled me in awkwardly when he couldn't move his feet and I sat down gently across his thighs, it felt good to be close to him, as always.

“as soon as this s**t heals I'm going to drag you into the bedroom and ...” that's as far as Dylan got as a dark voice harrumphed and I had giggled at the shameful ideas when I looked up and there he was, my dad. He was wearing a denim jacket and a pair of shorts with an old t-shirt with some logo on it, I never stopped being amazed at how different he looked, Mandy had been right, he was angry before all the time, now he looked calm like he'd never been anything else. It made me happy for some reason.

“Jenni.” He nodded in greeting and I quickly stood up ashamed that Dad had heard what Dylan had been about to say and I actually stuttered a little as I started to speak.

“Dad, hi.”  I smiled tentatively at him, and he smiled back happily, I nervously took Dylan's hand who looked at him sourly from the bed.

“This is Dylan. my boyfriend.” He looked even grumpier now as he nodded in greeting without saying anything to Dad.

“Dylan.” Dad nodded back in amusement, and I walked a few steps towards him.

“Dad, can you get a wheelchair for Dylan?” "I smiled seriously as he held up his hands and quickly went out to find something to roll my grumpy boyfriend in.

“What an asshole.” Dylan's voice was softened, and I spun around and smiled broadly at his obnoxious behaviour, I didn't know why but I wanted them to like each other, especially after Mom had more or less said that if I married him she would renounce me as a daughter. It still stung.

“so are you, baby.” I clenched my hands at his sulkiness, and he grunted as Dad came through the door with the chair.

I watched breathlessly as he came out and set it by the bed and looked questioningly at Dylan who looked like he'd rather be rolled in tar than have to get help from anyone, especially my father.

“now get yourself up baby, you know I can't carry you.” I watched him begging as he shrugged his shoulders finally like a sulky child and grabbed daddy's hand, I took the other one and his face revealed how much pain he was really in, I felt the shame of having hurt him, he could say what he wanted, this was my fault.

It took all his strength not to scream, I could see it in the way he pressed his lips together and stared straight into the road, I felt even worse.

I helped him put his feet gently on the footrests when he finally sat down.

“Shall we roll?” Dad's voice was so calm but Dylan just looked annoyed at the man I was a copy of and I laughed at their strange interplay of my father's relaxed style to Dylan's sourness.

“I'll drive him, Dad.” He let go of the handles and Dylan already looked more relieved, he was so damn proud. I laughed again as he turned and hissed at me as Dad walked ahead of us.

“Good that one of us finds this funny.” I ignored his sullen comment and just looked at the man in front of us, maybe he really had changed, he had still come when I needed him. We walked the last bit to the parking lot where Dad was waiting by a large SUV that was white and had sunshades with pirates on it. It twisted in my gut, I knew I had a brother, he had said so, but it was hard to accept it all when I saw it in front of me.

He pulled the door aside and Dylan stared at the car in disbelief, as if he'd rather die than be seen in it.

“Jump up.” Dad laughed along and I joined in the ringing laughter I hadn't heard in so long as Dylan gave me one last mean look as I walked over and helped Dad get him into the big family friendly car.

“The sports car is gone?” I looked amused at his SUV and he laughed a little low in response.

“That was the first thing Linda made me get rid of after Levi was born.” I flinched, he realised what he had said, and I smiled at him although you could certainly see how startled I had been by hearing their names.

Linda. The woman he left my mother for.

Levi. My half-brother. I swallowed and Dylan had a worried look in his eyes and I shook off the heavy feeling that came over me, not wanting to make him any more worried than he already was.

“Jen, are you coming or what?” Dylan looked at me wonderingly and I quickly shook my head.

I'll drive the truck home. His would protest as I narrowed my eyes at him and he quickly shut up. I needed to be alone, for a little while anyway.

“I'll take care of him Jenni, don't worry.” Dad closed the door in front of Dylan's sullen face and I nodded gratefully. Because I was really grateful.

“I'll drive ahead so you can just follow me.” I quickly walked away from the two men before they could say anything more.

Dylan's car was further away from where I had left it, there was blood left on the seat and floor and I looked at it all suffering, what an i***t he was, why couldn't he have just told me he was hurt and I would have s**t all over Dad and brought him here quicker.

I quickly climbed into it with a swing of my leg, I had come a long way from having to be pushed up by Dylan, even though I know he loved seeing my butt in front of him.

The thought made me giggle and I quickly started the big car, it was too big for my taste and I backed out slowly.

Maybe one day Dylan would have a car as a father, when we had children. I was warm inside, I know it was ridiculous and a fantasy for the moment, but I could really see us having kids sometime in the future, when I wasn't such a mess as I was now.

I drove out onto the highway and my dad's SUV was behind, I really wished I could hear what it was saying, it was an uncomfortable situation for everyone, but I was glad my dad had helped me, maybe one day I could forgive him too.

I turned on the radio the rest of the way, some hard rock song came on which I quickly turned off as we entered the city centre and I habitually drove back to the apartment as if I had never done anything else.

“You have to get better Jennifer. For his sake.” I reminded myself of everything I had promised myself, about eating, and not being so selfish all the time. I took a few breaths as I pulled into the parking lot and stopped. Now there was only the worst part left.

“End of the road kiddo!” I heard Dad's uplifting voice and I got out of the car and locked it, I would clean it out some day when Dylan didn't need my help.

“About f*****g time.” I saw Dylan's sullen face again and he took his hand off Dad's quickly this time and I stopped; it was more like it than I had thought. Both were tall and broad, heartbreakers. My cheeks burned with the shame of having fallen for a man exactly like my own father. It was true, as the saying went, that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Dylan had seen me stop and I quickly ran to his side and took his other hand, whispering forgiveness to his pained face as he took the first step up the f*****g stairs.

“Yeah kid, this is not going to work, you can barely stand up.” Dad looked worried and I looked surprised at his serious face which was more like the one I was used to.

Dylan looked at him angrily in between grimaces of pain.

“what else am I going to do, fly up the f*****g stairs?” He looked sarcastically at Dad who got a smile on his face and a look Dylan wouldn't like as without asking he bent down and picked him up over his shoulder, I stood there shocked to see Dylan hanging like a puppet over Dad's shoulder, I would have laughed normally but this was already insulting enough to him as I ran upstairs and quickly unlocked the door.

There was blood ans shards left everywhere, it looked like someone had been murdered in here.

“in here.” I quickly showed Dad to the bedroom where he laid Dylan down on the bed with a thump. He said nothing. He didn't look at either of us. I held back my smile, he would never forgive me for this.

“Well, I'll be on my way, Jenni.” Dad smiled wider and followed him out the door and into the loft corridor where he stopped and I suddenly looked at him shyly, everything felt so strange now that we were alone.

“Dad? Thank you.” I nodded at his happy face so that it almost sparkled in his identical green eyes I had received.

“anytime Jenni. Just call me, okay?” He smiled wider as, without thinking about what I had done, I hugged him quickly as if nothing had happened in the years he had been gone.

“I'm sorry about Dylan, he's usually nicer.” I smiled nervously as Dad seemed to get caught up in my hug and looked down at me warmly.

“It's okay, I used to be mad at the world too.” His response hit me hard in the gut as he waved and walked away, I waved back awkwardly, Dylan was angry at the world.

Another thing I had missed with my selfishness.

I sighed and closed the door behind me and went into the bedroom. There he lays. My impossibly handsome guy who still looked good for being in the hospital.

“Dylan?", I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. There was a lot of blood at the bottom of my feet, I quickly closed my eyes and swallowed the nausea that rushed over me.

“I'm still here.” He was looking up at the ceiling, I lay down beside him and took his hand, it was warm, and I enjoyed feeling it in mine, even if it was for the thousandth time.

“Thank you for not beating up my dad.” I also looked up at the ceiling, my God it was so stained, had someone thrown things on it? I stopped in my tracks as he took our hands and kissed my hand calmly, he was suddenly a completely different person, he was my Dylan that no one else got to see.

He chuckled as if he was laughing, and I immediately smiled at hearing his voice happy again and blinked at the horrible ceiling.

“Its fine babe.” His voice was so sober now, you almost couldn't believe he'd been so f*****g mean just a few minutes ago.

“Maybe I should meet them?” I pondered silently and he impatiently moved his body around the bed.

“What?” His voice was tired, and I smiled at his ability to care for me when I was the one who was supposed to take care of him

“Linda and Levi.” I said their names quietly and he just sounded low at first before shrugging his shoulders.

“if you want to I guess.” His voice was so simple, I envied him.

We lay quietly and I sat up and looked at him, he was sleeping just as I thought, my brave man. I kissed him softly on the lips and stood up. I wasn't going to spend another minute with all the blood around me. I had fetched Dylan's excuse for a scrub mop and vacuum cleaner, I'd rather not use it when he was sleeping but after I tried running it and realised he didn't notice it at all I dragged it around the whole place, it felt good to get rid of the traces of what was my fault as I took the bucket and started scrubbing up all the blood that had come, I choked several times at the smell and gratefully poured the bucket into the toilet when I was done.

The kitchen had to wait, I had picked up everything I had thrown on the floor this morning, damn what an i***t I was, I had sworn the whole time as I picked up the biggest shards with my shaky hands, it felt ridiculous that I had gotten so mad at him for something as stupid as not wanting him to worry about me, when that was what he did all the time.

I went back into the bedroom, he was still sleeping like a log and I looked lovingly at his peaceful face, I didn't care what Mom and Mandy thought, I was going to marry him, because he was mine and I was his.

I got up on the bed next to him with my clothes on and put his arm around me, praying to God that he would get well soon as I knew he would go crazy in here otherwise.

“Good night, Dylan.” I closed my eyes and fell asleep quickly.