Freeing Katie

Ch. 18 Secrets

KATIE POV

Walking through the mall the weekend after Thanksgiving was probably a huge mistake.  My feet have been stepped on, I’ve been shoulder bumped I don’t know how many times, and the one thing I wanted to get mom for Christmas was sold out.  The girls were going to come with me, but Brenna got stuck at her grandparents house, and Taylor is dealing with her parents playing tug of war with her for the holiday week.  I really hate that for her, but she’s handling her stress well despite the circumstances.

Chase offered to come, but I told him no.   I was hoping to find something for him for Christmas as well, but I haven’t had anything catch my eye.

We’ve been dating for almost a month now, and things are basically the same as they were, except way more perks.  Being able to hold and kiss each other freely makes me feel so giddy!  I’ve heard of the honeymoon phase of relationships, but I don’t want this feeling to ever go away.  Ever since he took me to his mother’s grave (which, come on, was possible the most romantic/heartfelt thing someone has done for me), I felt more comfortable with the idea of us.  It solidified any of my doubts, which, I’m sure, that’s what he intended anyways.

“Hey, Katie!” 

I look over and smile instantly, seeing J.R.  “Hey!  What brings you here?”

“Was trying to get one of those new game systems, but they’re already sold out.”

“Bummer.  I’m having the same luck with everything else.”

“Want to grab some food and catch up?”

I nod my head and we go to the food court.  It’s slightly less crowded around here, thank god.  After we grab our food from a burger booth, we sit down, both exhaling from the large crowd.  “I’m famished!”  That breakfast burrito I had this morning seemed so long ago.

“Hob wus yourb thavsgbing?”

“What?” I laugh out.

He laughs, swallowing his food.  “My bad.  How was your Thanksgiving?”

“It was good.  We had Chase and his dad over.  Becca and her whole family are sick with the flu, so it was a nice small get together.”  I even caught the looks between our parents.  Now that I know Mr. Young better, I wouldn’t mind if he dated my mom.  It’s not even weird to me that Chase and I are dating.  I just want to have her happy with someone that will treat her right.  “How was yours?”

“Oh, you know… dad’s in Spain with his ‘secretary’, and mom’s up north working on a case.”  He laughs it off and take a huge bite of his burger.  He did this in treatment too- making it seem like it’s not a big deal, but I can see he’s hurting on the inside.  I really hate that for him.

“Chase didn’t say anything.  I wish I knew.  You could have come over with us.”

“I didn’t tell him,” he shrugs.

“Jeremy, stop doing that,” I scold.  I know he hates his real name, ever since treatment, but at least it got his attention.  “Chase really cares about you- you’ve been friends for years.”

He lets out a hard sigh.  “I know.  It’s just…. I feel like I’m complaining all the time if I talk about it.  Even I get sick of hearing about my own problems.  ‘aww poor rich kid and divorced parents.  Gets to spend money on anything but is sad all the time’,” he whines sarcastically. 

I send a glare at him.  “Don’t mock yourself.  Your parents are shitty and neglectful.  If it wasn’t for your older brother, you could have died!  If you didn’t have your stomach pumped you—” I pause as his head drops down, and it hits me.  “Chase doesn’t know…. Does he?”  When he doesn’t respond, my heart drops.  “Oh, Jeremy….”

He throws out a half smile.  “It’s in the past, Katie.  We were in middle school and he was the only one to keep in touch with me when we moved.  I didn’t want him to worry or risk losing our friendship.”  I nod in understanding.  When I went through all of my trauma and grief, I had no one like Chase as a friend.  J.R. tried to preserve the last since of ‘normal’ he had. 

We continue to eat in silence, and I try to turn the conversation around.  “Taylor’s parents got a divorce back in April.  Her mom has a boy toy that hangs around the house a lot and makes inappropriate comments to her, and she can’t go to her dad’s because he’s going through a ‘growth’ stage, and doesn’t want to interrupt his ‘flow on life’.” I scoff to myself as J.R. shakes his head, having a sense of understanding.  I take a good look at him, trying to get an outsider point of view.  He’s not bad looking.  Short blonde hair and brown eyes.  He’s taller than Caleb, and although rather skinny, I know he takes care of himself.  Maybe they could form a bond….  “Have you met Taylor?”

“I think so… maybe in passing.  Is she the blonde or the dark curls?”

“Blonde.  You should ask her out sometime…. Y’all might find out you have a lot in common,” I smile out.  He does the same, shaking his head.

“Okay, cupid.”  He doesn’t say anything more on the subject and we both go back to our meals.  I’ll just slip him her number when we leave.  “Hey, Katie?”

“Hmm?”

“I know this isn’t my place, but… have you told him… about… everything?”

I shake my head, feeling a sense of guilt.  “I don’t know how to bring it up,” I say truthfully.  “I’m scared it will change things.”  I let out a hard sigh.  “We haven’t been overly intimate, but I told him I wasn’t ready to have s*x….  I don’t know how long he’ll wait.  I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.”

J.R. gives a grim look.  He’s seen my tears, my breakdowns, my fear.  He knows about my damage and how far I’ve come from being broken.  “I guess we both should give Chase a little credit, huh?  Both best friend and girlfriend keeping important part of themselves a secret so he won’t judge us.  How does that make us look?” 

We both digest that information.  He’s right.  We’re both hiding a huge part of ourselves from someone we really care about.  But, like all aspects of healing, DOING something about it is the hardest part.

*

*

Chase is lounged on the couch when I enter the house, looking incredibly bored.  “Hey babe.  No bags?”

“It was a total bust,” I whine, plopping down next to him and cuddling up to his side.  He kisses the top part of my head, making me look up and claiming a real kiss.  “Saw J.R. though.  I’m thinking of getting him and Taylor together,” I smile out.

He raises his eyebrows.  “So, you’re trying to have our whole circle of friends date each other, huh?  Brenna and Nate, you and me…. why not Josh and Taylor?”

“Because Josh has been sleeping with that Georgia girl for the last month…”  He responds with an ‘oh’ and I lay my head on his chest while watching the movie.  “Where is everyone?”

“Your mom realized she didn’t leave any meat out, so she took your brother out to dinner.  I wanted to wait on you to see what you wanted to do.”

He’s so damn sweet.  I play with the shirt on his hard stomach as he rests his arm over my shoulders, fully aware that we are actually alone.  “You…. Wanna go to my room?” I ask innocently.

*

My hormones and anxiety have a battle with each other as we laugh climbing the stairs.  As soon as we get to my room, we shut the door and I immediately pull Chase to me.  Once his lips are on mine, everything begins to blur in a good way.  His tongue massages mine as I walk backwards to the bed.  He never breaks stride as we lower and scoot up to the middle, pushing the pillows out of the way.  My hands tighten around his sides as I feel the need to want more.  Once he grinds his pelvis against mine, I can’t help but let out a moan. 

Oh! That felt good. 

He does it again and again, smirking between our kisses.  The only sounds are our breaths, my pants, and I swear I whisper Chase’s name when he trails his kisses around my jaw and neck. 

When his lips fasten on that sweet spot between my shoulder and neck, I grip his hair, holding onto the feeling.  His hands start to wander, and it takes me a minute to register the fact that he’s gripping my thighs to grind harder into me.  I can feel an o****m building and I respond just as eagerly as him.  It’s a new feeling that is driven purely by lust, and I don’t hate it.

But everything ices when he begins to travel his hand under my shirt.  That’s when this dream of a normal relationship comes crashing down.  I feel disgust for myself, remembering my scars and why I did them.  Panic fills me, picturing myself as that 12 year old girl with grimy hands ripping my clothes and tugging my panties down.  “Chase!” I practically yell in a fright, grabbing his hand to still him.

He immediately lifts up, concern written on his face, and all I want to do is cry.  “What’s wrong?”  I’m a coward.  I know I need to tell him, but I don’t want him to treat me any differently.  My heart is speeding into overdrive.  We both sit up and I fix my hair, looking around the room for answers.  “Did I move too fast?”

I look back to him, feeling defeated.  I give him a half smile.  “I’m sor-“

“Don’t be,” he says truthfully.  He pulls me in for a hug and we lie back onto the pillows.  I wrap my arms around him.  I feel my erratic nerves calm down more, but it makes me feel worse.  He’s been nothing but empathetic to my needs and I hate lying to him about my hang-ups.  He deserves more than that from me.  I squeeze him tighter, preparing myself to reveal my nightmares, and hopefully, it’ll be okay.

“Chase, there’s som-“

“Guys!!!”  Jason barges in the door without knocking, causing us to immediately sit up.  He laughs as I glare at him, then turns his head to the hall.  “They’re in Katie’s room, mom!!!  With the door shut!”  He then hauls ass as we climb out of the bed.

“Can I kill him?” Chase huffs out.

“Get in line,” I mumble.  We start to head out, but Chase grabs my hand gently, causing me to stop.

“What were you saying?”

The moment is gone.  I definitely don’t want to have the conversation now, especially if we are going to get interrupted.  “It’s nothing.  Let’s go show mom that we weren’t fornicating.”  He lets out a hard sigh and I squeeze his hand.  Please, wait for me Chase, I say to myself.

I probably need to call Dr. Kelly and set up an appointment.  This is new territory for me- to want to be touched, but my instinct keeps driving me into fear, and I hate it.  Sooner or later, it will drive a wedge between us if I don’t do something about it… and it’ll be all my fault.