These Fragmented Parts

CHAPTER FOUR

 “We never realize how frozen we are until someone melts our ice.”

 -Bridget Devoue

ADAM

We left the café exactly at closing time and her silence after our series of drinks began to terrify me but I didn’t speak any word at all.  I just walked by her side till we reached her unit which felt as though I was slapped by the hard reality that I have to go and find a place where I could stay for a while. It wasn’t the thought of me finding a place to stay, or the thought of me losing my job today it was letting Charlie go. It’s difficult to let something good just slip past your hand; knowingly it would be a long wait for it to happen again, or if it will ever happen again. Today has been excessively heavy for me and she was the only person who had been at least good to me and for a good couple of hours I was somehow accustomed to the feeling of being human again.  I just realized how I am not so ready to untangle all the mess that’s in front of me yet, and a part of me is revolting and afraid of all the uncertainty that the next day holds.

We were both standing by her door and I noticed how she tends to avoid eye contact, while playing with the subtle ruffles of her old rose blouse. I allowed a couple of seconds slip by and thought of what I should say, should I thank her? or should I ask her anything? She seemed to be contemplating really hard.

“Charlie,” We were facing each other by this time. I breathed heavily. I know it was just some ordinary meeting, no one is falling in love or some sort but I’m not quite sure why walking away from her will be heavy and my anticipation towards it is electrifying my insides already. She looked at me with her hazel brown eyes whereas the life and strength were slowly slipping away- there were so much pain in it as though there is some energy that is tugging me to experience the same kind of storm she was under.

“What’s wrong?” I know she’s drunk; she was already trying so hard to walk straight minutes ago and it made me feel as though I am this obnoxious person who dragged her to drink. I didn’t really know. Her eyes panned to the floor, tears fell as if someone was out there to get her and hurt her in the most agonizing way possible and she didn’t have any power. I really don’t know why this was destroying me.

“It wasn’t supposed to end yet, I’m not ready. I’m not f*****g ready,” She slurred, tears briefly falling on her face. “Why can’t s**t just f*****g end when I’m f*****g ready, It’s too much for me.” Those words left her mouth with full emphasis making me feel how heavy its roots are. She sighed in full exasperation as her breathing was slowly building up to become erratic. I tried so hard to read what was going on, and I certainly have been in this kind of panicked and agitated state but I never helped myself.

  I was still standing in front of her unsure of what to do.

“Trevor,” She said with excessive longing although it wasn’t my name but slowly, I tried to comprehend what she was trying to say. I followed through. “Just…” She tried to gather her words, but she was lost. So f*****g lost as desperation trailed her sharp breathing.

“Just, save it for later. Can’t you? I can’t handle many things at once.” She sounded as though she was just simply declining a favor asked, but I know that’s not it, I see how she’s trying to mix the words together to create the perfect message that would say so much of her situation but it came out as light as that. She was crying so hard, as I just stripped myself from anything that holds me back. I wrapped my arms around her, as she allowed herself to pour her tears completely, she shivered. I just ran my palm on her arm, as I closed my eyes trying to settle in the strangeness of this and the sounds of the sobs that she was holding back. I feel her pain and it hurts me too, without even knowing what this is.

I know that I am not this white knight, or even trying to be one. But no woman in this world deserves to be in this kind of pain- like you’re being skinned alive. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to know where all of this pain is coming from but she wasn’t sober and whatever I will tell her, she will probably forget it the morning after.

I couldn’t save myself either.

I opened her apartment door with the spare key I have (which I should be returning to her by now) and switched the lights on. Her apartment was furnished, yet it was still empty and smelled like paint as the sound of the raging rain accompanied the both of us. By this time her sobbing ceased yet she was still unsteady. I led her to the bedroom, and made sure she was alright by assisting her as she lied down her bed quickly drifting to sleep. I looked at her momentarily, observing the person I barely know but kept me company for the rest of the night, I wonder who Trevor is and I wonder where this exhaustion came from.  I shut her bedroom door as I began to contemplate whether I should go or not, the rain was still raging at this hour.  It took me a couple of minutes to contemplate where I should be going or who I should be calling; but I came up with nowhere and no one. I can’t call anyone from my family, I’m pretty sure all of them are upset at me for a very irrational reason.

 I suddenly saw her coming out of the bedroom, struggling her way to the bathroom. I quickly followed, seeing her crouched down throwing up on the toilet. I held her dark brown hair, as she proceeded on emptying her gut, I felt horrible for even letting her drink. I wasn’t thinking quite straight; I was carried away by my own despair as well and I didn’t want to end anything just yet. I wanted company.

“Are you okay?” Definitely she’s not. What a stupid question to ask. I could see my reflection from the mirror near me and seeing the sight of me was merely enough for me to feel like revolting on this disappointing life of mine.

She flushed the toilet but she remained crouched down catching her breath. “I’m not really used to drink,” Her response was like a punch on my gut, I didn’t know. We were just both enjoying the drink and the conversation and I think it was nice to have her smile a little despite her heavy eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“No, it’s not your fault…I mean, it’s my choice too, so. Yeah.” She trailed off before expelling a deep breath. I just accepted her claim and sighed, “Stay right there,” I told her as I proceeded to the kitchen and got some paper towels as well as a glass of water. After returning, I was glad she was washing her mouth already which really helps to wash the nausea off and the acidic taste that can make her feel more horrible.

“Here,” I handed her the glass of water, as she smiled softly and thanked me. “You should get some rest. That would definitely hurt tomorrow.” I said, accompanying her back to her room. She sat on the bed, as I just stood by the door frame, her things were still lingering right where she left them; she hasn’t even unpacked yet.

“I’m sorry for what I told you earlier,” She timidly said as her gaze lingered on the floor once again. “It’s just a bunch of s**t, and it feels hazy,” She explained, even though she didn’t have to.

“It’s totally fine,” I assured, and gave her a soft smile. Silence wrapped as both.  

“Are you leaving?” She asked me, but I didn’t hold onto any hopes that she doesn’t want me to go yet. I just perceived it as some kind of question she asked. Honestly, I don’t even know if I should stay here, I feel as though I am invading her privacy, her first day in her new place should be a memorable experience not that kind of peculiar experience in which a douche is in her place and punched her wall; I’m sure as hell she deserves better than that.

“I think so,” I said, as she looked at me and just nodded softly although she expelled a heavy breath once again. “Are you really, okay?” I asked her with full of concern as she bit her lip and spoke softly, “Yes, I can get by.”

“Thank you for tonight Charlie and sorry for punching your wall,” I joked as she managed to smile. “Thanks too, Adam.” She said her voice almost inaudible. “Have a good rest,” I said before closing her door. I left her spare key on the coffee table and I wasn’t quite sure why my heart sank a little, perhaps I don’t want to leave yet but I know I have to. I am not falling in love with a person I just met, it’s just that being alone most of the time pushes you to your limits till you cascade down and down towards the pit of nothingness where all you will feel is the eternal fall.

If this is the last time that I’ll be seeing Charlie, I’ll try not to forget her and her kindness.