Sam

Chapter 5

By Michael Juha

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Semestral break came. Three times in a week, Sam would visit me and sleep in my place. As his place was 25 kilometers away, he would come by his motorbike. Sometimes we would go places: to the park, beach, visit friends or his place, or just stay in my place swimming in the creek, fishing or picnicking together with my cousins. It was one of my happiest school breaks.

In one day of that last week of the break, Sam’s parents invited me to a dinner. His parents knew I was their son’s best friend and they treated me like a family member.

At the dinner table, Sam’s father asked me, “I heard you are in the top three honor’s list, Geoff, congratulations! Keep it up!” then turning to Sam, “But how about Sam in school? I observed he was not doing as much as I expected. And I heard there’s one teacher there whom he has a crush with? I hope she’s not the reason for his dull performance. Is he courting her?”

I was totally taken aback by that question. It caught me. “A, er...” I was gasping for words to say.

“Dad, don’t bring this topic here please?” Sam intervened in a pleading tone.

“Sam, I am asking Geoff. I just want to be sure that you are doing your best to study” his Dad answered, then turned to me again. “So, Geoff is this true?”

Sam seated opposite me winked his eyes and gestured like he wanted me to say “no” and to cut the conversation. But I proceeded to answer his Dad’s question. “A... for the crush, yes Sir. It’s Miss Cathy, our psychology professor. But everyone has a crush on her too including all our friends...”

“How old is she?”

“Dad, please...” Sam pleaded for his father to stop the conversation about Cathy.

I looked at Sam. He stooped in disappointment sensing I would answer the question anyway. “Miss Cathy is nearly 23 but she looks younger.”

Then in an air of suspicion, his Dad asked again, “Geoff, does Sam visit you almost everyday? Coz there are times Sam doesn’t sleep here all night and there are times too that he comes at already dawn... and when I would ask him, it’s always your name he mentions. He said he’s always with you in your house.”

I was stunned. Sam hadn’t visited me everyday and if ever he sleeps in my place, he would not leave at dawn. I looked at Sam. He was equally stunned and could not look at me. Then he suddenly stood up and walked out in protest.

“Sam! Where are you going?” His mom and dad inquired.

Sam didn’t answer and proceeded to walk. After a few minutes, we heard noise from his motorcycle engine.

“See that? He is a different person now! I don’t even know if he’s my son! I have been observing him acting strange these past few months. He has changed in everything! He is absent-minded, his grades are low, and he is always out. I don’t know what’s going on with him!”

“We should understand Sam, Bert. He is in that age. It should be tough on him...” Sam’s mom pacified.

But I reasoned to cover Sam even. In spite of the anguish and a feeling of betrayal in me, I couldn’t just leave him that way. “A.. er, Sir, Sam comes to my place normally on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays... but maybe he visits our other friends too!”

“I hope that what you said is true, Geoff coz there was a time I heard him talking with someone over the phone and it was this ‘Cathy’”

I felt like an insult was added into my injury. My anguish amplified, and if he was only in front of me, I wanted to smack Sam so hard in the face to at least let him feel my pain. I felt like my world turned upside down. I thought I would leave right there and then. But civility prevailed over me.

After an hour, Sam came back. Sam’s parents wanted me to stay overnight but my feeling of disgust overwhelmed me that I thought it was not a good thing to do. So I asked to be excused and they asked Sam to send me home on his motorbike.

The more my anger grew. But I had no choice, lest Sam’s parents might suspect. And as Sam started his motorbike he shouted, “Mom, I’ll stay overnight at Geoff’s place!”

On the way, I couldn’t control myself yelling, “Why did you use me, Sam?!!! Why did you not tell me everything!!! What have I done wrong to deserve this!!!”

Sam yelled back, “We will talk this over in your house, ok?!”

But I did not stop, “I want it now, Sam, tell me why? I want an explanation now! Why? Why!!!” hitting his back with my fist.

Sam absorbed my punch but did not move nor give an answer. Instead, he drove the motorcycle at full speed that even in curves he wouldn’t slow down. I held myself tightly to his body in total panic. “What are you doing!!!”

“It is better if we die together now!” Sam shouted at the peak of his voice.

So I shut up and kept my silence until we arrived. I did not talk to him. I went directly to my room and dropped myself flat on the bed as Sam followed me without saying a word.

He sat on the edge of the bed. Then stooping and in a poignant and hesitant tone said, “Geoff... I am so sorry for what I did. I did not tell you I was with Cathy too because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what to do... I’m so confused. Everyday, I think of you, and then I think of Cathy. The truth is I try to force myself to forget you, and have happy relations with Cathy. But you are always there and I don’t understand... I can’t think straight, I don’t even know how to get you out of my mind....” he narrated as tears rolled down his cheeks.

And I cried there listening to him, but I just let him talk.

“Dad was right. I have changed, and he doesn’t understand me. But only if I understand what’s happening to me too... It’s like everyone is against me now, even my family. And I am even afraid to face the future!” He finally broke down sobbing.

My anger gradually melted and replaced by compassion. I held his hand. He hugged me tight. He was still sobbing.

“You are the only person left who understands me, Geoff. I don’t want to lose you, so please I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me!” Sam pleaded.

I stroked his hair and kissed his cheek. “I understand now Sam, don’t worry.” I returned his hug.

We stayed in that position for a couple of minutes, just hugging, caressing, feeling each other’s presence, and assuring ourselves that we will not let each other down.

I stood up and took two bottles of beer and we drank. As our emotions subsided, Sam initiated a conversation, “There is something I would like to tell you, Geoff...”

“Go ahead.”

“Do you still remember that time when you asked about my feelings for you and I ignored it?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s about us, our status. That... even if we do s*x together, all I want is the friendship. No matter how emotionally involved we are to each other, our friendship should not be broken. Sometimes, love fades, even goes away. But friendship lasts, Geoff... and it’s all I want.

“What do you mean?”

“Remember I told you we just need to feel and to trust each other without necessarily saying ‘I love you’? Coz it’s the best thing to do. I don’t want you to commit yourself with me... not because I don’t want it. God! If you only knew how I wished I could shout to the whole world I love you and you are my... boyfriend. But, I can’t because if I do, I will be ruining our lives and our future. Geoff, you are intelligent, a student council member, even have the potential to be council president in the coming school year. Many people admire you, look up to you, trust you. You have a clean image in the campus, a model student. Can you imagine yourself if one day someone asks straight to your face, ‘Geoff, is it true that Sam is your boyfriend?’ Can you stand that? How would you respond? And this, don’t you dream of having a family of your own and have kids? Everyone wants a family Geoff, and you are stupid if you don’t. All I want is when we reach that point in our lives, we are still there for each other, care for each other, support each other, feel the love, the trust and the friendship... don’t you want that?”

I couldn’t say a word for what Sam had said. His words hit me hard and pierced deep into my heart. There was shock, an unexplained feeling of guilt and self-pity. Then tears filled my eyes and sobbed there as Sam gave me a hug and a pat in my back.

“But how about us, Sam... how about me?” I asked in a deep sense of insecurity.

“Nothing changes, Geoff, with you and me. Everything we did, we still do. I won’t stop coming here, and if there is still a part of me in your heart, I am just here. Nothing changes... I promise. As I said, we just don’t have to say ‘I love you’; we just have to feel it”, as he took my hand and guided it into his chest, “You have a part here in my heart, Geoff, do you feel it?”

I held my hand on his chest for a long time and felt its beat..., “Yeah, I can feel it Sam, I can feel it”

Sam never said anymore words. He hugged me tight and pressed his lips against mine. Then we both lay on the bed, full of energy and desire. We removed our clothes, savor the electrifying touch of our flesh, and fathom the depths and the heights of our raging emotions.

And then again, the room was filled with the sounds of our moans.

(To be continued)