Saving Justice

Chapter Nineteen & Entry #1

#1:

December 24, 2018

It's Christmas Eve today, and instead of helping my parents, especially my lovely Filipina mother, prepare our Noche Buena, I'm here inside my room, writing down my first entry in this memoir.

This will be the first-ever Christmas in my life that I'd be celebrating without them. Not because I don't want to, but because they are already gone from this world.

Just three months ago, I lost them.

I lost my parents.

A tragic event happened; a car crash, which led to their deaths.

Now, I'm living with my older brother.

He moved back to our family home just to take care of me. He's currently downstairs, cooking our meal, trying to keep our family tradition still alive even when our parents are already dead.

I appreciate it, but I don't feel like celebrating Christmas Eve without them.

It feels like it has lost its meaning already.

It feels really empty.

I'm writing this because I chanced upon a blog on the internet. It says that writing journals can help you release the thoughts troubling your mind.

I just hope that it really helps because I badly need it.

To be honest, when they died, it's like I died with them, too.

I only cried once. But I cried hard. I cried enough tears that they would last a lifetime. I cried until there were no more tears left. I cried until I felt numb.

I miss them every day.

How I wish they could be here, right now, here with me. I wonder if they would like it if I chose to follow them.

Is it okay?

Will they get mad at me?

Okay... I need to stop writing now. My brother is calling me downstairs to help him prepare our table.

I don't want to do it, but I have to.

From now on, this is the life I have to live with, whether I like it or now. Whether I want it or not.

Love,

Justice

•••

Mysterious ― it is the word that perfectly encapsulates Justice's memoirs.

As soon as I'm done reading her first entry, I have absolutely no doubt that this notebook holds a lot of secrets ― this is her secret keeper. These are the things she didn't get a chance to say, or she didn't want to tell me.

The way I understand her words, she's trying to fight off the demons inside her head. She was trying hard to survive. She couldn't trust anyone. She couldn't tell her worries, so she just wrote it down, hoping that it would help her.

I grip on the notebook tightly, trying to stop myself from turning the page. However, curiosity kills the cat. I know I can't resist the temptation of understanding her more. Wanting to know her secrets, I'm about to turn onto the next page, but the sound of soft knocks coming from the door makes me stop in my tracks.

"Babe?" I hear Cole's voice outside the room.

I feel my heart pound hard against my chest as I panic a little upon hearing his voice. I frantically put the notebook back on the bed and top it with the pillow. Before he can even open the door, I stand up and pick up the passport, acting like I wasn't doing anything suspicious.

As soon as he opens the door, Cole enters the room, giving me a curious look. "What's taking you so long?" he asks and roams his eyes around the room.

I swallow hard to hide my nervousness, then put a confident smile on my face.

"I have a hard time finding the passport," I reason out flawlessly and smile.

Cole lifts his brows. "Where did you find it, then?"

"Under the pillow," I answer truthfully this time.

He nods his head then offers his hand even when there's quite a distance between us. "If you have nothing else to do here, let's go down now?" he says. "Natalie's done making mashed potato. It's time to eat dinner."

"Okay," I say and walk up to him to take his hand while I hold the passport in the other hand. "I'm kinda hungry."

Cole naturally intertwines our fingers together and presses a kiss on top of my head. He holds my hand tightly as we go down and enter the kitchen.

Everyone is already gathered in the dining room. I give Justice's passport to Eleanor, and she thanks me for it.

All throughout eating dinner, Cole's family praises me for my cooking, even though they already know that I'm actually good at it. They also ask about our apartment, even though they are well-informed about our plans.

I know they are trying to make me feel better and more comfortable after what happened. I'm thankful that they still treat me the same way.

"Will you spend the night here, Venice?" Ronan asks me as we're already done with dinner.

"No." I shake my head. "I'll be heading back to my friend's apartment. I'll stay there before we move in."

Although there's no need to stay at Aubrey's, she still wants me to be with her until Cole and I finally move into our own apartment. And since I wanted to grant her request, I chose to stay with her. The other night, Sadie also came over to sleep with us. She felt jealous that Aubrey and I were spending more time without her.

Being with my two closest friends was such a breather. For a moment, I forgot about what happened and was able to reorganize my thoughts. I was really struggling mentally and emotionally. It was exactly what I needed. I couldn't be more grateful for their companionship.

"Oh! I'm going to pack the leftover casserole for you and Aubrey. There are a lot of leftovers," Eleanor says. "You can just heat it tomorrow so that both of you won't have to worry about breakfast anymore."

Nodding, I smile at her. "Thanks, Eleanor."

"No worries," she says. "You're the one who cooked it, anyway."

"Uhm, I'll head upstairs for a sec. Please tell Cole to wait for me here," I say.

"Go ahead."

I just smile at that, and Eleanor proceeds with putting the casserole in a container.

Without wasting any second, I run upstairs. I check if there's anyone around before going inside Justice's room. Fearing that someone might catch me red-handed, I move as quickly as I can and slip her notebook into my bag. I'm so curious to just let this night pass by without reading the whole thing.

Cole knows me so well. I'm afraid that he will find me suspicious, so I walk into his room and look for anything I can bring downstairs. But since I can't think of anything, I just pull my phone charger out of my bag.

As I expected, Cole is already waiting for me. He turns his head and observes me.

"You forgot something in my room?" he asks.

I nod and show him my charger. "I left it plugged in."

Fortunately, Cole accepts my answer right away and doesn't pry more. He finally drives me to Aubrey's apartment afterward and kisses me on the forehead before separating.

•••

"Aren't you going to sleep yet?" Aubrey asks me when, instead of going to bed, she catches me heading out of the room. "What's with the bag? Are you heading somewhere? It's late."

"Wearing my pajamas?" I chuckle. "I'm just going to the living room to work on something. You can go to sleep first."

"Okay, then..." she says and points at the switch beside the door. "Please turn off the lights before you leave."

"Got it." I smile and press on the switch before I finally go out of the room. "Good night."

"Night!"

Feeling impatient, I briskly head to the living room. I quickly drop myself onto the couch, open my bag, and pull out Justice's notebook.

I'm sorry, Justice. I hope you'll forgive me. I have to read it.

With a heavy sigh of guilt, as I'm determined to know more, I open the notebook to the next page and continue reading what's written inside.