Saving Justice

Entry #2-5

#2:

January 1, 2019

It is the start of a new year, but my heart is still with the past.

Last year, we celebrated New Year in the Philippines. Justin couldn't come with us at that time. He said he would celebrate it with his girlfriend.

I was kind of sad that we were incomplete, but I had so much fun. Filipinos went all out to celebrate the New Year. It was my first time experiencing that, so I got a bit of a culture shock. It was a very pleasant experience, though.

We ate dinner with our relatives. I played parlor games with my cousins and sang at the karaoke while waiting for midnight. Once the clock struck twelve, we went outside to watch fireworks. That was how I spent New Year's Eve.

Today, my brother is not happy because I slept at our supposed New Year's celebration last night.

I believe that I'm not at fault.

I clearly told him yesterday morning that I didn't want to celebrate New Year. We were still grieving. I didn't want to act like I was up for any celebration, but he insisted and prepared our Media Noche. He had no choice but to share some of it with our neighbors last night. He just left enough portions for us to eat for breakfast.

Actually, we were also supposed to go back to the Philippines to celebrate New Year there once again.

Justin promised that he would go with us this time.

I was excited because I knew it would be a better experience. After all, we were supposed to be complete as a family.

However, we weren't able to do it.

My parents are not here anymore.

Our plans will stay as plans.

They are already gone...

Damn.

They really are.

Love,

Justice

•••

#3:

January 7, 2019

Classes resume today after the holidays.

I used to be excited about going back to school because I missed being with my friends. However, I can't feel the same excitement that I used to before.

My alarm woke me up early. Even my brother checked upon me to make sure that I was awake and ready to go to school.

As soon as we were done eating breakfast, he dropped me off near my school before going to work.

I took around ten steps until I stopped in my tracks. I could see familiar faces going in pairs or groups as they entered the school premises happily. I used to wait outside for my friends, and we would go inside altogether just like them.

After my parents died, they gave me at least two weeks' break from school.

It's not enough, though.

Those days were not enough to heal me.

Still, I came to school for the sake of my attendance. I barely listened to any lectures. My mind was wandering elsewhere. I was too preoccupied dealing with my loss to think about anything else.

My teachers didn't scold me, though.

I think it's because they sympathized with me. They know what I just went through.

But now, I just can't pretend anymore. I don't want to force myself.

I don't want to go to school.

I need more time to heal. I need more time to move on. I need more time to get over it.

And so, with that thought in mind, I turned around and went home. I spent my day locked up inside my room.

Justin just got home from work a few minutes ago.

He doesn't know that I didn't go to school.

He has no idea.

I will never tell him about it.

Love,

Justice

•••

#4:

January 11, 2019

Ever since the classes resumed, I haven't come to school for the whole week. I believed it was the best thing for me to do, so I didn't feel any remorse for doing so.

Justin is still not aware of it. He thinks I'm going to school religiously and being a good student. He gives me a generous amount of allowance every day for attending my classes without giving him a hard time. However, even if he doesn't know anything, our school has already noticed my absence.

Our class representative just sent me a text message. He informed me that our adviser told him to ask me if I would still be attending school or if I would be dropping my studies.

I didn't reply as I had no idea what to tell him.

He sent me another message, though.

He said that our final exams for the first semester would start on Monday. He hoped that I could come to school by then.

Final exams?

Right...

If I don't take our final exams, most likely, I will repeat for another year.

I don't want that.

Nobody wants that.

But I still can't find it in me to go to school no matter how much I try to motivate myself. And if ever I drag myself to take the exams, I'm not sure if I'll be able to focus while my mind is going elsewhere.

Either way, I will still fail.

What should I do, then?

What's the best thing to do?

Go to school and fail the test or stay at home and fail the test?

Love,

Justice

•••

#5:

January 14, 2019

It was exactly eighteen minutes past midnight when I checked my phone.

I went to bed as early as 9 p.m. I'm not sensitive to sound, but then I woke up in the middle of the night because of the noise coming from the room next to me.

That's my brother's room.

The noise coming from that room sounds so unholy.

Up until now, I can hear his girlfriend's faint moans, even through the thick wall separating us.

I know it should be normal for them because they're a couple, but damn... I feel so disgusted every time I try to imagine them.

It's disgusting.

I should've known that this is going to happen.

My brother came home with his girlfriend earlier after they went out on a date. She even bought my favorite donuts for me, trying to win me, but I didn't eat them. He told me that she would spend the night here, and to be honest, I really wanted to chase her out.

I'm not rude, but I just don't really like his girlfriend. There's something about her that I can't point my finger at. Even though they've been together for two years now, I still feel like she's just going to break my brother's heart. She doesn't look trustworthy.

She's going to cheat on him eventually.

Even my mother thought that way when she was still alive.

She was casual and approachable to Justin's girlfriend, but you could tell that she was only trying to be civil with her.

Not me, though.

Even if I'm not vocal about it, you could also tell my indifference towards her. I just ignore her most of the time. I rarely speak every time she tries to have a conversation with me.

So now, hearing them having a very, very, very intimate activity in the middle of the night makes me feel sick.

I feel like throwing up.

That's how disgusted I am.

I don't think I can sleep peacefully after this.

That said, it's decided now.

I'm not going to school later.

I'm not going to take the exams.

Love,

Justice