Saving Justice

Chapter Seven

"We have already decided on the venue, and our planner contacted its management for the reservation."

"Where's the venue, then?" Aubrey asks.

"It's still a secret," I tell her with a teasing smile. "You'll see it in the invitation."

Aubrey makes a face.

I laugh.

It's fun teasing her sometimes. But once she's angry, I need to hide already.

"But what's up with you, Saddie?" Aubrey suddenly turns to Saddie. "You haven't spoken a word yet since we got here."

As promised, I treated them to dinner today. Saddie's not yet eating the marinara pasta she ordered. She just keeps on spinning her fork endlessly without putting the food inside her mouth while Aubrey and I are almost finished.

Now that Aubrey mentioned it, I realize that she's right. We've been talking about my wedding preparations, but Saddie has been awfully quiet. She didn't rain me with tons of questions like she always does.

Whenever Saddie's being indifferent, it's either she's angry or hurt. The last time I saw her clammed up was when she and her ex-boyfriend broke up because he cheated on her.

Personally, I think that's the worst reason to break up. It wouldn't just inflict pain on you emotionally but also mentally. Aside from the heartbreak, it's possible that you might lose your self-esteem and will start asking yourself these questions:

"Why did he cheat on me?"

"Am I not enough?"

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"Where did I go wrong?"

"Did I not make him happy?"

Those are only some of the possible questions you might throw yourself, which can make you feel less confident. When in reality, you're not the one who has the problem―it's the cheater. So like what Aubrey brutally told Saddie before, it's sad that you have to feel bad for an asshole because it's not worth it.

Now, I wonder what Saddie's problem is.

"Yes, Saddie, what's wrong?" I ask, concerned about her.

Saddie lets out a big sigh and puts her fork down before she turns to us and says, "A client of mine was found dead this morning."

Hearing unexpected news, I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. Aubrey, on the other hand, creases her forehead.

"What happened?" Aubrey sounds so curious.

Once again, like she can't really take the emotions overflowing inside her, she releases it along with a sigh. "According to the forensic report, he's been dead for almost a day. He committed su*cide yesterday by hanging himself. His parents only found out this morning because his teacher called them that he didn't go to school for two days and his friends couldn't contact him as well."

Chills creep into my skin.

He committed su*cide...

My thoughts immediately fly to Justice. Our first psychotherapy session will start tomorrow. I'm suddenly even more worried about her because of this news.

"You know what, I'm not sad..." Saddie admits what she truly feels, and that surprises me.

I mean, how come she's not sad?

"I'm angry." Her eyes flare with anger.

When she was mad with her ex-boyfriend, she was never this mad. I've never seen her fueled this much with anger that her eyes are already burning with fire.

"I am so angry." Her voice sounds like she's spitting poison.

Aubrey and I stare at her quietly and let her express the anger she's feeling. We both know it's not the time to comment nor ask more questions about it and just let her be.

"The reason why he approached me for therapy is because of his parents," she says, and I can see now why she's angry. "He feels like his parents put him like a lump of hard meat in a pressure cooker. They always pushed him to be better like he's not doing his best. They were never satisfied with him because they kept comparing him to the son of their friends. They also didn't give him enough attention. He told me that he's tired of pleasing them... He's already tired of being their son... God, he's only eighteen!"

"Eighteen!" That slips out of my tongue.

Justice is younger than him.

The people you thought would be your salvation turn out to be the reason for your destruction. To think that it's his parents who push him to end his life... How cruel...

I hope that all parents in the world realize how much they can affect their children. Not everyone has a strong mentality to use the disappointments as a stepping stone to becoming better. Some may fall deeper into their insecurities and think of themselves as a failure. If they want them to do better, they should start by being an example, guiding and encouraging them.

If ever Cole and I have a child in the future, I will never let him feel less of himself. I will do my best to mold and raise him to become better without scarring his self-esteem. I will pull him up, not pull him down. I think that's what a parent should do!

"I watched their interview this morning. His parents were balling their eyes out as they cared so much for their son when he was still alive..." Saddie takes a second to calm herself. "Hypocrites..." she whispers sternly with disgust. "If the teacher didn't call them, they wouldn't even notice that their son's not coming out of his room for two days now. They don't have the initiative to check on him."

I have mixed emotions over this news. I pity the lost angel, but I'm also angry with his parents. At the same time, it may not be the right solution to his problems, but I'm glad he's resting now.

In addition, this is also a wake-up call to me. I should start exerting more effort to reach out to my patients, especially Justice. They need me.

•••

"Gonna miss you."

Cole hugs me so tight like he's not planning on letting me go.

We're here at the airport, and in just half an hour, his plane will already depart to the West Coast, but he's still here with me.

This isn't the first time we won't see each other for almost a month because of his work. He's always like this whenever he's leaving me behind. If I don't have any work, I'm pretty sure that he won't hesitate to take me with him.

"Cole, they already announced your flight number," I remind him. "You need to go inside now."

Cole releases me from his hug, but he cups my face in his palms instead. He squishes my cheek―that makes him smile. "Message me if you want to. Call me if you want to. I'll do the same to you."

I raise my eyebrow at that. If he wants to? He might call or message me every hour if that's the case.

"We'll Skype or Facetime every night if you're not tired or if you can't sleep," he says. "But if you're tired, just text me good night. I'm satisfied with that already."

I nod and say, "Okay, Mr. Griffin. I'll wait for your calls and texts." My words are a bit muffled because he's still squishing my cheeks.

"And remember to send me the details for our wedding if there's any update, okay?" he adds, then releases my cheeks from his hold. "You'll meet Emily again next week, right?"

"Yes, and I promise to tell you everything," I assure him so that he will board the plane now before he misses his flight. "Call me once you land, okay?"

He smiles and leans forward to press a kiss on my forehead. "I love you."

His warm kiss on my forehead makes me smile. "I love you, too. Have a safe flight."

Since Cole is finally satisfied with our promises before he leaves, he finally boards the plane while I drive home to the Griffins, using his car, because Justice is already waiting for me to start our therapy. I just really have to send Cole off. That's why we delayed it a bit.

"Where's Justice?" I ask Natalie, who is making a strawberry and peanut butter sandwich.

"Her room," she answers and raises her sandwich. "Want me to make you some?"

I shake my head. "I'm full. Cole and I ate lunch outside before we headed to the airport. I'm gonna go up to Justice's room now."

"Okay." Natalie's not paying attention to me anymore because she's busy indulging in her sandwich while scrolling on her phone.

I just leave her to it and walk upstairs. I hope Justice is not taking a nap or something. I don't want to disturb her from her siesta.

"Justice..." I call her name after knocking on the door.

Fortunately, she's not taking a nap. Justice opens the door after a few seconds. She takes a peek first to see who knocked, and when she sees that it's me, she opens her door wider to let me in.

"Thank you," I tell her and enter her room.

I see a book on top of her bed. She must be reading again while waiting for me to come back.

That's good...

"Are you ready to start now?" I ask her, without further ado, and pull the vanity chair closer to her bed.

She nods and sits on the edge of the bed.

Taking deep breaths and embracing silence, I first let the atmosphere fall into place. I can't just ask questions out of the blue. I need to establish our mood.

Silently, I watch Justice play with her wristwatch like she usually does. I guess it's her way to calm her nerves down whenever she's feeling tense.

"You don't have to feel nervous, Justice," I assure her with a gentle smile. "Just think of it like we're very close friends, having an in-depth conversation about life and sharing our worries."

She bites her lower lip and slowly stops playing with the strap of her wristwatch.

"Now, I want to ask you why you decided to agree to do the therapy..." I start with a more straightforward question. "You didn't want to do it initially. What makes you agree to it?"

Her lips part, and her eyes look somewhere else. "I... Uhm... You..." She struggles to construct her sentence. "You... You told me that you'll do everything... to help me..."

I was slightly surprised because of her unexpected answer. My lips twitch and part a bit. "Because of me?"

Nodding her head, she looks at me straight in my eyes again.

"Well, what can I say?" I let out an awkward chuckle. "I'm glad, and I feel honored, but listen to me, Justice..." I want to get her full attention and put every word I'm about to say inside her head, making sure that it'll be etched there. "You have to do it for yourself. Not for me. Not for anyone else. Do this to help yourself, okay?"

She looks a little offended, but she still nods her head like she understands where I'm coming from. I'm glad that she does. She needs to.

"By the way, I'm sorry for asking Cole about this, but he told me that you used to be very sociable and you liked to hang out with Natalie," I tell her what I learned about her so far. "Now, you barely go out of your room. May I know why you isolate yourself?"

Her lips must feel dry due to nervousness, so she licks them before answering. "I just feel like..." She pauses for a moment. "Feel like no one can understand me apart from myself. I feel like it's better to keep it all to myself instead of telling other people because they might not understand, and that would only make me feel even helpless."

Not gonna lie. I'm surprised to hear how articulate she is. Until now, she always replied to me using body language, phrases, and broken sentences, so maybe that's why I'm not used to hearing her speak longer than a sentence. And it's not just the length of her answer which surprises me, but also her ability to express her thoughts and feelings coherently.

"That's why I try to keep myself in my solitude," she continues. "I like being alone now. I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by people who would never understand me."

I can see that Justice has a grudge planted deep in her heart, and I have to dig it out of her.

"You know, Justice, it is okay to be alone sometimes. It is okay to crave for our own space. I love that idea, too," I sympathize with her first to make her feel that I understand her. "If you feel like you need to take a break and shut yourself from everyone, do it. There's nothing wrong with that. But we shouldn't be too comfortable with being alone."

Some say it's okay to be comfortable with solitude because it can empower you and make you independent, but I beg to disagree. Independence doesn't mean that you'll completely shut your doors and keep them locked for those who want to enter and try to be a part of your life. That's not how it works. It's okay to rely on others sometimes, but be sure you can still carry and support yourself. And for those who have weak mental health, it's a risky option to seek solace by being alone. It might not turn out how you imagined it to be.

"But whenever you're alone, do you feel any better?" I want to know how she feels whenever she's locking herself inside her room.

Her lips slightly curve upward. Thinking that isolation must be working well with her, I smile back until I hear her answer.

"No." Then, the corners of her lips drop down so quickly. "It doesn't make me feel okay. It feels horrible."

Repressing my desire to react and speak my thoughts right away, I squeeze my lips flat.

"Every night..." she says with distress. "Every single night since my parents died, I feel like I'm slowly dying..."

I see tears forming inside her eyes. It's the first time I've seen her show such emotion.

"It's been two years since they died, but it still hurts a lot. I miss them every day, and I always think I should go after them," she admits and shares her suicidal thoughts. "And then, Justin..."

Her breath hitches as tears roll down her cheeks.

"I hate him so much..." Justice cries her heart out.

She must be hating Justin for leaving her on her own after their parents died. She was still moving on from their parent's death, but then Justin didn't survive the accident, adding up to the pain she was carrying in her heart. But I'm sure Justice didn't mean that. I'm sure she loves her brother as much as she loves her parents.

I pull myself closer to her to give her comfort. I sit beside her and hold her hand. She's crying a fountain of tears while hiding her face on my shoulders.

It must be too hard for her to talk about her family's death, and I think this is the first time she ever opened up herself to someone and showed her pain. And so I have to stop our first session for today. We'll take it one step at a time. I won't force her to let everything out. We still have a lot of sessions in the future.

"It'll be fine, Justice..." I softly whisper to console her.

My eyes drop on her hand to play with her fingers, but then I catch a glimpse of a red straight horizontal mark on her wrist, being covered by the wristwatch. There are not just one or two marks, but there's a lot! If the wristwatch didn't slide a bit, I wouldn't be able to see it. And just with that glimpse, I can see that it's a freshly healed wound, and there are also some scars.

She already harmed herself countless times... But cutting yourself on the wrist doesn't necessarily mean you want to kill yourself. Sometimes, it's a call for attention; it's a call for help.

I guess it's also the reason why she keeps on playing with it. She wants someone to notice her struggles. She wants someone to know and see her pain, even when she says she doesn't need nor want anyone in her life.

Flattening my lips, I let go of Justice's hand and hug her properly. I squeeze her tight, just like how the sight of those marks squeezes my heart.