TOXIC ATTRACTION

TOXIC ATTRACTION EPISODE FIVE

After Nerea left, we never got to talk about her or Richard's decision to send her away though I knew there was so much he didn't want me to find out from his mother since she was very talkative and Richard was more of a reserved person. He only talked about what he felt was necessary for instant telling me how he ended up in the wheelchair which I had already heard from his mother.

Weeks went by without hearing from my family or friends and most especially my mother. If you knew just how close my mother and I were then maybe you would understand my pain. My mother was my best friend and we talked about pretty much anything. We went shopping in the market together and we also had cooking sessions together which turned out to be very fun. I missed all that and as mad as I was, I missed her but did she even think of me?

Life with Richard didn't turn out as bad. For the better part of the day, he was away and that gave me a lot of time to me. When he got back, he would bring a gift and talk to me even when I had nothing to say to him. That routine made me slightly warm up to him because comparing him to the man I was seeing before he kidnapped me, he was really trying.

Before this whole incident, I had a man in my life. Davis was the complete opposite of Richard. Even though he claimed to love me, I never saw much of him and whenever I was with him, it felt like I was always competing against his time. Like he always needed to be somewhere and he had a lot of promises that he never got to fulfill. I loved him so much but I doubted if his love for me was genuine. When I got kidnapped, he never looked for me and I never found any attempt of him trying to contact me not even after he found out I was married because I knew he must have seen the wedding photos that went viral with very insensitive captions. Marrying Richard made me realize that I had no friends. It was only as good as when we went drinking and clubbing but since I married an invalid, no one wanted the trouble of pushing the wheelchair around and hanging around us. I felt alone despite Richard trying to fill the gaps of my family, friends, and everyone he had cut out of my life.

One evening after dinner we were watching Tv and having been tired from the long day of moving around the house washing and cleaning, Richard decided to give me a foot massage and that's when I decided to try and get to know him more, ask questions about his life, get to know about his job, friends and he was down for it because, for the first time in months, I had shown interest in finding out who he was. I helped him boil some water and put it in a basin then watched him clean my feet before he got down to the massage bit.

Richard: how does it feel?

Me: pretty good. You are good with your hands.

He smiled and kept at it.

Richard: so what would you like to know about me?

Me: what happened to Mark and why was he replaced with Tosh?

Richard: Mark got a job. He had only accepted to look after you because he did not have a job at the moment.

Me: that was not looking after me.

Richard: did he do anything to you?

Me: no. He did not. I just wasn't used to having bodyguards. And Tosh, what's the deal with him?

Richard: he helps me around with errands and stuff. He is like the only friend I have apart from Mark.

Me: did you have a lot of friends before the accident?

Richard: yes, but the friendship was defined by my being in a wheelchair. Only Mark and Tosh stuck around.

Me: girlfriends, you had any?

Richard: not really. A few pretended to like me in my state but it turns out to be about money and when I couldn't keep up with the lifestyle they wanted, they just left. It was more difficult than not wanting to be seen with me in public. I realized that being alone was more peaceful though there was no happiness attached to it. It's like everywhere I go, people see me differently like I don't belong. I tried applying for jobs and despite having a degree, no one would employ me. They would say that I would not be fast enough to carry out my duties in a wheelchair and some would even give me a straight up No.

Me: so how have you been surviving?

Richard: errands here and there. I sold groundnuts by the side of the road for some time and it would get chaotic when the city council goes chasing people around. People would run for their lives others tripping over me and sometimes the city council guys would hoist me and my wheelchair and dump me in their vans. I'd end up parting with every coin I made for the day and go back home empty handed. I had to figure out other ways.

Me: like what?

Richard: I'd rather not talk about that.

I felt for him and especially after seeing the look on his face when he said all that. I also felt bad because I was among the people who stigmatized him, I started wondering what it felt like being in his shoes and how it was moving around with the rude and heartless human beings roaming the streets of Nairobi.

Me: I'm sorry...

Richard: don't be. I've gotten used to the treatment, it's part of my daily life. Can I ask you something?..

Me: sure...

Richard: would you be here of your free will, I mean if I didn't force you to stay?

He maintained eye contact watching me search for a lie in my head. He knew the answer to the question he had just asked but he wanted to hear me lie to him and for that, I chose to tell him the truth.

Richard: hard question huh?..

Me: No. I wouldn't be here at will...

Richard: you see, that's how hard it has been finding love in this state. Thanks for your honesty at least you don't pretend as the other women did.

Me: I stayed, that counts for something right?

Richard: I guess it does.

He put my foot down and put the other on his lap. The massage felt nice and never in my life had I met someone so keen on pleasing me. I was the one doing things for people and especially for my boyfriend Davis. Such an ungrateful man. Do you know those people whom you would cross the river for and get eaten by crocodiles just to impress, the thing is they would never do the same for you and that's how nature works? The people you love so much will never love you or love you enough, they are always chasing after other people who don't love them back and the cycle continues. I'm not saying true love doesn't exist but to find the one is a beautiful dream.

The room went quiet for a few minutes. It probably got awkward when I told him the truth but why ask for the truth if he couldn't take it? I had no regrets because somehow I wanted him to feel the pain. Maybe I was wrong but he ought to have known how it felt living for the sake of it. Living a life that made no sense and having to live with the pain of the choices other people made.

Richard: can I ask you something again?

Me: yes.

Richard: if you had a chance to leave, would you take it and run?

I didn't know if that was a trick question or a genuine question but I was not going to answer it. I had hurt him enough for the night and some things are better left the way they are.

Richard: honesty, please...

Me: I don't know.

Richard: it's a yes or no question, Robina

Me: what difference does it make, do I even have anywhere to run to, it's more like the race has come to an end and I'm the loser. You won.

Richard: I'm sorry...

Me: for what exactly?

Richard: everything.. the thing is I'm not in love with you, just the same way you are not. Your father owes me a lot but I like you and I'm trying to be a man and I'm trying to impress and be here for you as your husband. The wedding was your father's idea, he even paid for everything because I had no money to give you that kind of wedding. The promises I made were all courtesy of your father. He said he would take care of our every need. You might not want to go back home and I would understand why but I'm setting you free, you are expecting my kid and I will try my best to give you everything you need wherever you will choose to go. Once you give birth you can leave the baby with me and find love for yourself with a man who will truly love you the way you deserve. A man you will not be ashamed of, a man who will take you out on dinner dates and dance with you. A man who will take care of your needs. A man you will feel good making love to and having babies with.

Me: are you trying to guilt trip me right now, you know it won't work on me, Richard...

Richard: no trying to guilt trip you or make you sympathize with me because we both know how cold your heart is. I'm telling you what you need to hear. I have had enough rejection to last me a lifetime and if I'm to spend the last bit of my life, I would rather it not be with fake love and false loyalty.

He put my leg down and put the massage oil on the table and rolled his wheelchair backward and for the first time he had tears in his eyes. He tried to hide them but they just dropped and I knew he was hurting.

Richard: if I could go back to the scene of my accident years back, if I knew this is how life would turn out for me, I would have begged for death so that I don't end up being a burden to anyone. I don't need you to love me. I don't need anyone's love... it's your father who owes me and this was his way of p*****t.

Me: in this deep soul searching of yours, did you stop to think about how i would feel being forced into a marriage with you, did any of you think about my feelings or even cared enough to ask for my opinion and if there was any other way to go about paying your debt without getting me involved?

Richard: I thought your father and you had an agreement, how the hell was i to know that you were forced?

Me: wow you didn't know I was forced yet you held me hostage in your house for all those months, no phone, no communication, I was literally your prisoner

Richard: the more reason I'm setting you free. You can leave when you please, I no longer want you to stay here if you would rather be somewhere else. You will have your phone back tomorrow.

He rolled his wheelchair to the bedroom and left me in the living room cursing why I had to open my mouth and say so much...