Growing Up With My Mate

10. Crush

The next few weeks I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster.  Every time I see Harris now, I get butterflies in my stomach.  I can barely hold two sentences with him and I find any excuse not to talk to him.  Any conversation that I hear his name, I pay more attention to.  At home, I even found myself sketching him out of nowhere.  As I look at the picture, my heartbeat kicks up a notch. I don’t want this to happen and feel like I’m having a mini panic attack.

I slam my sketchbook down and run to Dustin’s house.  After a couple of knocks he comes to the door.

“Hey B., what’s up?”

“I need a run, like a long and hard run, then I need to talk- do you have time?”

He sees the urgency in my eyes, so instead of making a dirty pun joke at what I said, he starts lacing up his shoes. 

We run up the street and over to the territory’s park which leads a path up to some mountainous trails.  We keep pace side by side, but I need to go faster to keep up with my heart rate.  Dustin never faulters and keeps up with me.  Anytime one of us was feeling upset, we would walk or run these trails.  We have gone down every path and even created some of our own over the years.  I take the path that picks up in incline towards the highest point on our land.  It has a great lookout spot to view the whole territory. 

I’m pushing my body- I know I’m tired and out of breath, but I need a clear mind before I confess my secret. By the time we get there, we are both panting, shoulders hunched over and hands on knees.

 “This…wheez... better be worth it Brighton….. wheez…. I wasn’t ready for… wheez...  that hill.”

 I roll my eyes at him and climb up a boulder.  You can see treetops for miles, and with the sun two hours from sunset, everything glows in a soft orange.  “Dustin, I have a problem.”  I bring one of my knees up to rest my chin on.  “I think I like Harrison.”

 He comes to stand by me and looks at the landscape as well.  “Is that all Brigh? It’s just a crush- it’s not a big deal.”

I take a deep breath. “You don’t understand.  I really, really like him.  How can I do this to myself?  We are friends and only meant to be friends.  We are no where near the same level.  I’m one cockroach away from being trailer trash while he lives in a mansion.  Sure he’s nice but he’s nice to everyone, so why do I feel like it’s special?  I’m upset because for the first time in my life, I don’t care about my firsts and wish I could just share one of them with him, and that goes against everything I want.”

I can feel the tears silently going down my cheeks but I don’t want to wipe them away.  Dustin has seen me cry before.  “And I know its delusional Dut, but the social and financial status of things really bothers me and I don’t know how to control it.  It makes me scared that I’m not good enough and will never be good enough, especially for an alpha.  I’m not even dating him and I don’t feel like I’m good enough!”

I cry into my knee until I feel Dustin sit beside me and pull me into his lap.  I cry into his shoulder until I calm down.  When I feel like I composed myself enough, I scoot back onto the rock. 

“You know Brighton, you were right.  You are delusional,”  he deadpans.   "I don’t know how you feel because I’ve never had a crush that strong before.  I may not have the best advice on this, but you know yourself, better than most teenagers.  Even if Harrison does approach you, he would never pressure you about your firsts.  He is a good guy like that.” 

I lean my head onto his shoulder and sigh, “And that’s the problem.”

He puts his head on top of mine as we look out to the horizon. “I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re not good enough Brighton.  Finances and social standing means s**t when it comes to love. You can't let your situation get in the way of your happiness babe. You need to get over that at some point.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to start.  Mom tried buying me some new summer clothes and I just couldn’t let her.  I ended up yelling at her that she was being pushy, then crying to dad how I hurt her feelings.  She just wanted me to have new things and it just bothered me.”

“One step at time is all you can do.  It’s not going to go away overnight.”  We stay in silence for a few minutes.  I know there’s something wrong with me, but I don’t know how to fix it.  Telling Dustin about my crush did help a little, but nothing is changing with my feelings.

I stand up and start stretching.  “Sunset will be soon. We should head back”

“Can we walk this time?” Dustin pleas.

“Har har, yes we can walk back”.  As we start to descend on the path, I do feel a little more at ease.  It probably had to do with the adrenaline rush, then crying session.  But having someone know my feelings and being able to reflect on my thoughts is refreshing.  “Well since you shared your crush story with me, I’ll let you on a little secret of mine that I’ve been holding for a few weeks now.”

“Oh do tell.”

“I’ve decided to ask out a lovely little she wolf.  I won’t tell you when, but I will tell you who, as long as you don’t tell her.”

“Really?  That’s so great!  Of course, she’ll say yes, why wouldn’t she? And if she doesn’t ill have a polite sit down with her.” 

He starts chuckling.  “Yea, she might need that sit down….."  He actually goes quiet.  I'm almost afraid to ask.    "It's Sally.”

He side glances to me while blushing, but continues walking.  I stop dead in my tracks to process that information while he keeps walking.  “Are you effin’ kidding me?!”

I run and jump on his back as he holds me up, “She hates you!”

_______________________________________

It’s the last week of school, and honestly, there’s no point to study hall for me anymore.  I had my last test this morning and my art final is at my house, ready to be finished and presented tomorrow.  Talking with Dustin about Harrison did help the sudden heart attacks, but the butterflies are still forever present when he’s near… like he is now… walking towards my desk.

Breathe Brighton.

He turns the desk in front of me around and takes the same pose as me, arms folded, chin on top of arms, looking bored as hell. 

“You’ve been acting weird Ms. Brighton.  Anything you would like to share with the class?”  ha, only that I like you so much I want to give you at least my first kiss.

“Nope, not at all.  Had a lot on my mind lately, but I think everything is getting back to normal.”

He sits up and stretches and lord help me if I don’t stare at the slither of stomach that shows when his shirt pulls up.  I’m pathetic.  He lets out a loud yawn and settles back down on the desk. 

“Another nap day sir?”

“I wish.  With this first shift coming up I haven’t been able to sleep for like a week.  All I do is toss and turn, run around… I even tried swimming 50 laps, only to increase exhaustion, but can’t sleep.  I can’t wait for this to be over because I’m dying.”

When I look more closely into his honey brown eyes, I can see the dark circles clouding them.  It makes me sad to see him in pain, and while I know it’s not going to help me any, at least I can try to help him. 

“My mom used this trick when I was a kid and couldn’t fall asleep during my naptime.  Would you like me to try it on you?”  He gives me a grateful smile and says, “Anything would be great.”

“Okay, lay on your arms with your head to the side like that.  I’m going to massage the back of your neck and into your hairline.  It’s supposed to be soothing to our wolves and relaxes the neck tension.”

I state the last parts for myself so I can keep it as professional as possible.  I look around and no one is around us, either sleeping or huddled together watching videos.  I touch my hand to his neck and start rubbing it.  Using a little force and back and forth motion.  After a minute or so, I stretch my fingers into his hairline and start massaging through his hair to the base of his neck. Where his t-shirt starts, I run my fingers underneath half an inch then around to the side of his neck under his ear. 

I feel my breath quicken and I curse myself, because touching him wasn’t supposed to feel this good.  This was to help him.  I can’t stop myself from internally smiling because sliding my fingers through his hair is heaven and I feel mesmerized by the firmness of his skin.  The heat between my hand and his neck is mild, but I feel my whole body burn with a flush.  After about five minutes his breathing started to even out.  I slowed my ministrations and do one last swipe under his shirt, around the neck, through his hair, and I slowly start pulling away. 

Before my fingertips are free from this torture, Harris pulls his arm up and traps my hand with his on his neck.  I swear I stopped breathing.  “Please don’t stop,” he whispers as a plea.  And I don’t.  And that’s how we spent 45 long ass minutes in study hall. 

When the bell rang, I pulled my hand free, burned from the intimacy of touch, and began to pack up my stuff.  Harris lifts his head up and does look refreshed, especially when he gives me that smile of his.  “That was the best end of school year present I’ve ever had Brighton.  I honestly feel like I can go the rest of the day without feeling drained. Thanks.”

I can only smile and nod.  Giggling would be considered flirting, and I don’t need to flirt.  “Just add that to my honey bun tab. You owe me one.”

 “I’ll buy you a whole damn box girl.”  And I giggle. Dammit.  As we walk out of the classroom I go left and Harris goes right.  A couple of steps later Harris calls out “You’ll be at my shifting ceremony right?”

I turn around and give him a ‘duh’ look.  “The whole pack will be there, what do you think?”