It's Wrong But It Feels Right
1514 Words
|ROWAN’S POV|
What the hell was I thinking? Kissing my brother’s girlfriend? I didn’t stop it. She leaned in, I could have pulled back. I could have told her ‘Hey, I’m not drunk. But you are, it would be f*****g rude of us to kiss-’ but I did not say that. Instead, I stupidly kissed her and I cannot find the will in my heart to regret it.
She is not mine. We talked, and I felt the spark. I felt it between us as she laughed with me, drank with me, f**k she made the first move. She shouldn’t have, I should have stopped her. Just because they’re having issues doesn’t give me the f*****g right to kiss Damien’s woman.
I’m such a d**k. And I don’t even regret it. Like for f**k sake, she is my mate. I can’t... it hurts to see her with him and when she kissed me.... f**k, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted us to be together much longer, and I resented him for interrupting that.
She and I need to talk. We need to decide on what we should do moving forward. Because I could contain it before but now, I can't. I spent the night dreaming about her.
I could delude myself into thinking that I could let them be happy. I want Damien’s happiness but at what cost? f**k, I want her. I want to mark her. She was worried he would abandon her if he finds his mate, and called me a f*****g asshole but I wanted that.
That would make me feel less guilty.
Fuck, I’m a jackass.
I was in the kitchen, scrutinizing the counter. Damien would hate me if he ever found out. And kissing his girlfriend is not the worst thing, I spoke to Yevgeny... s**t’s not looking good for my best friend. Why? Why me? Why couldn’t I have been mated to someone else?
Fuck, but they wouldn’t be Adeline. They wouldn’t be her. With that smile, and my god those kissable lips. What the hell have I done?
I f****d myself over.
I need advice. I keep staring at the kitchen counter, coffee mug in my hands as I try to make myself move. I mean for the goddess sake, I think I’ve done enough. But Yevgeny still isn’t home, we’ve just been texting and Damien is knocked out. I went to check on him before I came here. He was fast asleep, snoring like a generator.
‘I have no advice for you. You didn’t do anything wrong, she kissed you first. You’d have hurt her feelings had you not kissed her back.’ Michal, as always, so f*****g useless when it comes to emotional advice. Thankfully, he didn’t add anything more and I concentrated on reaching Josiah.
‘You kissed her... you should tell Damien.’
Are you sure? f**k, we’d get into a fight it would ruin everything.
‘I know, let me finish. My normal advice would be for you to tell Damien, but you’re already keeping secrets why not add this? You want this girl, you’ve kissed her, she’s your mate, talk to her and then decide what to do. You’re not going to be here forever, Rowan. You know your destiny. You know they’ll come looking for you. Even if you want her, are you ready to endanger her life by bringing her into your mess? Just think about it. You know I’ll support you in whatever you do. I want our mate too.’
Josiah’s words sit with me as I hear approaching footsteps coming toward the kitchen. He’s right. I won’t be here forever. In fact, I should be preparing to leave in a year or two.... but Adeline, gods, she makes me want to throw everything away. Including my morals. And Yevgeny is here. And my best friend regardless of how deeply I’ve betrayed him.
But Josiah is right. They’re all at risk if I stay here much longer. Especially her.
Like she’s been summoned, Adeline strolls into the kitchen. My eyes gravitate to her immediately. She looks beautiful. From the short black skirt to her sparkly crop top, it seems like she took my advice to go for what she wants.
“I guess we should talk.”
“Yeah. You first.”
“What we did... was wrong. We shouldn’t have-” she pauses and crosses the distance towards me. Her eyes scan behind her first, then she continues. Her voice lowers. “- we shouldn’t have done it. But.... is it wrong that I don’t hate the kiss?”
I groan with relief. At least she was honest.
‘Isn’t it odd that she’s being honest about this?’ I ignored Josiah’s concerned words, my mind was only focused on her admission.
“Right? It was such a good kiss, but the situation. f**k! I’m sorry for pulling you into this.”
“No no, I think we both played a part in this. I don’t know what to tell you. You and I... there’s Damien, we can’t. It’s like betraying him, and I can’t. I couldn’t sleep because of the guilt.”
“Me either.” I lied. I couldn’t sleep for other reasons and guilt was the least of them. I’m terrible. I was doing so well. She admits the kiss was good, I appreciate her doing that but she’s saying what I already know. We can’t be anything more.
The guilt would kill us both. Her more than me.
“So can we just forget it?” she brought up a hand. And I thought back to the kiss, it felt so freeing. Like I was finally giving in to all the desire I had bottled in my body. And it felt good. It felt so f*****g good, I can’t imagine going back.
That makes me an ass, I worked so hard to show that I can control my demon urges but... I’m still capable of mistakes. And I want her. To be mine. She would be so much better, happier with me. But that just feels like I’d be imposing my feelings on her, and that’s cruel.
I won’t be here for much longer.... it wouldn’t hurt for me to try, maybe she might fall for me. Maybe not. But I want to try.
“Rowan?”
“I don’t want to forget. The way I see it, it happened. And I want more.”
“But you said-”
“Remember what I said about my mate? I was talking about you. I’ve spent years keeping my feelings away. I can’t go back. You can turn me down, I won’t do anything you don’t want but I am going to try my hardest to show you how I feel. That kiss was f*****g incredible.”
“Rowan-”
“It sounds crazy, and so f*****g wrong, but I want to try. I’m okay if, in the end, this doesn’t work out for me. I’ll take full responsibility but I must try. So I’m sorry, but I can’t forget it. I can’t move past it.” I wouldn't be okay, but I didn't want to say that. It would hurt less knowing I tried.
She and I stared at each other. I was determined to keep my feelings away, it had never been in my plans to ever tell her. But it was just that kiss, that one f*****g kiss that made me see how much I was giving up for my best friend.
And it’s wrong. Alright, I know. I’m damned already, but at least I would know I gave it everything and she still chose to be with him. Then I wouldn’t be stuck at night, wondering what could have been, and I wouldn’t be hanging on to every nice thing she does to me. Every smile, every hug, and every moment.... I want to have confirmation that I tried and she said no.
It’s a bastard move, but I’m still gonna do it.
“I can’t change your mind, can I?”
“Did that kiss feel as good as I think it did?”
She looks off. “Then there’s a chance.”
“It could just be s****l attraction.... frustration- something.”
“Or it could be more.”
She steps back, and I watch as confusion runs over her expression. I know how she feels. I know it. But I’m weak, I’ll admit. It was just one kiss. And it was enough to shatter my resolve.
“I need to go, um.... you’re a good guy, Rowan. I just think, right now, we’re in three different spots in life.” she turns and leaves, but it doesn’t sting my chest as it should. Instead, I wonder why her eyes look like it has the same emotions I had when I decided that I would have to leave.
Is she planning to leave Damien? Or am I just making s**t up to fuel my reasons for being in love with my brother’s girl?
I honestly don’t know.
- Writer
