The Twelve Days of Christmas

Chapter 17

I laid down on the bed, and the tears flowed. I didn’t want to be that person, but I just couldn’t stop the emotions from flooding right out of me. It was the first time I had felt so alone since my parents had died. It was moments like that which brought it all back to me. Being just a girl in need of a mother to stroke her back and tell her everything would be alright. I didn’t really know what I was crying for more, my stupidity for falling for such a man, or my mum. The truth was it was both, because all heartbreak led back to my parents in the end.

I wasn’t sure how long I had been sobbing into the crisp white bedding, but I suspected that Agnes had rushed down as soon as Ben told her. She certainly burst into the room with enough energy. She stopped dead in her tracks and took in the sight before her, which was likely not a pretty one.

In the most fluid motion I had ever seen, she crossed to the bed and scooped me up enough for her to slide herself under my head. Her hands instantly stroking at my tear dampened hair. “Hush now. I know it hurts. You are strong, my dear, strong enough to combat any hurt and pain.”

There was nothing to be said. I knew she was right. It hurt, but it was temporary. Every ounce of pain would fade until I would barely remember it.

We seemed to be sitting there for forever. Long after, I realised that I had calmed down. Long after, I realised that I may have overreacted slightly. After all, he had done nothing more than dance with another woman. It wasn’t even the action so much as what it represented. For a moment in the garden, I had allowed myself to believe. To consider that there was a chance I could fit into that world, that I could be enough for him. It was the thoughts of a silly little girl and I had long ago realised that life never worked out like that.

“Agnes?” I paused, not knowing how to continue. It wasn’t something I could just come out with. “I’m sorry if I upset Ben.”

“Never mind, Ben, he is a big boy.”

“I know I made him think of Sarah. Would you mind telling me about her?” I decided it was best to give Agnes an out. With the question I had posed, she could opt out of what we both knew I was asking and instead focus on the happy moments with her daughter.

I watched from her lap as she continued to stroke at my hair. She seemed to drift off into the past. As though she needed to go back there in order to conjure up the thoughts of her precious Sarah, as though she had locked the memories in the past in order to survive the heartache.

“She was a good girl. We lived in the palace and Sarah was our youngest child. She was so protected by her father and her brothers that she could barely scrape a knee as a child. They all doted on her. She was often wandering about the palace with me as I worked. She would try on dresses and play with the vast array of accessories. I would constantly be turning around to find her with a sparkling hair comb in her hair, or pearls around her neck.”

“She was the same age as young prince Harry. The pair were inseparable when he was home. It can be a lonely life as a young prince and he was happy for the company. She followed him around like a lapdog.” She paused, and the wistfulness was obvious, before she continued her motherly movements.

“We should have done more to keep some distance between them. By the time we realised her true feelings for him, it was too late. We don’t know exactly what happened between them, but there was some form of dalliance. Harry was a young man who didn’t know better. She was a love-sick girl who would have done anything to be able to love him.” I wanted to tell her not to blame herself. It wasn’t like she had any control over what happened. I had so many questions, but they wouldn’t be things I could ask.

“How did you find out?”

“The first I knew about it was when she came flying into my sewing room sobbing. It was already too late for warnings or intervention. If I had known, I would have cautioned her about the way things are. She was young, she thought she could change the world, that the rules wouldn’t apply to them. It wasn’t until she had mentioned them getting married one day that it had all gone wrong.”

“She was heartbroken?”

“Yes, completely. Harry told her they couldn’t see each other anymore because they expected him to marry a certain kind of girl. It made her feel hollow, like she wasn’t worthy of love. We tried to make her understand. We hoped she would move on. She… couldn’t… I found… her. Cold and lifeless on the bathroom floor. We tried to get help, but we were too… late.” She was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn’t understand how she could be so strong in the face of everything. “You lost someone too? I recognise the pain in your eyes.”

“My parents. They died in a car accident when I was younger. I loved them both, but it’s my mum I miss the most. Girls need their mums.”

“And mums need their daughters. It is almost like a piece of you is missing, isn’t it?” I sat up slowly, sitting beside her as our arms touched. We sat there for a moment in companionable silence, both considering everything that had passed. “This is why you mustn’t cry over a man, my dear. They aren’t worth it and even though I know it hurts, we both know greater pain.”

Of course, I knew she was right. It helped to hear it. As though I needed the reminder that some guy picking another girl wasn’t the end of the world. It was less about the picking another girl and more about feeling less than. He danced with her because she was one of them. I wasn’t and never would be. It must have been just how Sarah had felt. If only she had spoken up about how she was feeling. If she had, then maybe there wouldn’t be a Sarah shaped hole in Agnes’ heart.

I wanted to ask how they could both still work at the palace after everything that happened, but I didn’t. Agnes was already in so much pain and I wouldn’t be the one to add to it. Instead, I settled for pulling her closer to me and letting us both have what we were missing for a moment. It might not have been the same as what we lost, but it still helped stem the pain for a little while, at least.