Dear Diary, I'm Finding Myself

What A Day

As I’m riding home from my first day of college, I’m completely exhausted. I can’t believe I’m actually a college student now. Officially. I also can’t believe that I have to see Cassie around the campus. Probably even in all my classes, if she’s applied to the same program as me.

Did fate really have to be so cruelly twisted with me? Couldn’t someone up there pull some strings for me? Hello, grandpa? What good will seeing Cassie’s face do to me? Is this a life lesson? Or is someone pulling a prank on me?

Never mind, I’ll just ignore her. And the fact that everyone is already gathering around her like she’s the next savior of the world. Life really isn’t fair. If it were, people like her wouldn’t get what they wanted. I mean, she tried to sabotage my whole life last year and she gets to attend the same university as me. How’s that fair?

I drag myself into the lift, because I don’t have the energy to walk up three sets of stairs. Yeah, lazy, I know. I just can’t with today anymore. Thank God we have a lift inside the apartment building.

As I’m waiting for it to stop in our floor, I start to wonder why it’s taking so long. Our studio is on the second floor. It does stop eventually, but not where it was supposed to. It stops on the first floor.

I wait for the door to open, thinking that someone probably pressed the button and that’s why I’m stopping. But no. Nothing happens. I push the button for opening the door, thinking that the lift is just stalling, but again, nothing.

I stop and think for a moment, trying not to let panic overtake me. But the more I think, the harder it gets to stay calm. I start pressing that button, waiting for the door to open, only getting more and more panicky as it doesn’t budge.

Oh my God, this can’t be happening right now! I have to get out of here! I can’t stay in here! What if the lift breaks?! I start pushing all the buttons and calling for help, barely even remembering that there’s an emergency button that can be used in cases like this one.

Okay, Perrie, stop panicking like you’re in middle school, you’re an adult. I draw in a sharp, shaky breath, but it doesn’t help much. Still, I press the emergency button and wait for a line to be set up.

The woman that talks to me is very calm, a stark contrast to how I’m acting, really. I’m pushing my hands against the walls, like it’s going to break me out somehow. I don’t have a signal on my phone, so I can’t even inform Hunter about what’s going on.

I try to listen to her voice, like she’s instructing me to do, but I’m too panicky for that. I’m not really myself in this situation and I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I’ve had that once and I really don’t want to repeat it again.

The lift suddenly shifts, making me scream in fear. I’m in such distress that I can’t even listen to the reasonable voice of the woman, who’s still trying to assure me that I’ll be okay and that this is their rescue team working. As I hear voices around me, I realize she’s right.

Suddenly, the lid of the elevator opens up and I get met with a flashlight, and some men, reaching out towards me. I grab their hands and let them pull me up, to safety. I’m not even registering that I’m already standing on the second floor, right where the lift was supposed to take me.

As I spot a familiar face, coming towards me, I feel tears coming to my eyes. From sheer relief. “Perrie, are you okay?” my boyfriend asks me, clearly getting his answer as I throw myself into his embrace and start crying.

He realizes that I’m a complete mess and thanks the rescue team before leading me into our apartment. He doesn’t say a word. He sits me down on the bed and soon shoves a steaming cup of tea into my hands.

As he starts running his hand up and down my back to comfort me, I finally start to calm down. Oh my God. What was this day? Is someone following me around with a camera, filming a reality show, or what?

“It’s all good. You’re safe,” Hunter murmurs as I take a sip of the tea he prepared for me. I look at him with big, scared eyes, grabbing his hand gratefully.

“Thank you,” I tell him, making him frown. He looks worried. As he sighs softly, I realize he’s going to ask me now. He’ll want to know why I panicked like this. It’s not like I’m claustrophobic. I never was. And I wouldn’t react like this if I wasn’t already drained of all energy by the time my first day as a college student ended.

“What happened? How did you get stuck?” he asks instead, making me shrug in response. I take another sip of the tea, then let out a long breath as I shake my head.

“No idea. The elevator started moving so slowly and then it just stopped all of a sudden,” I explain, shaking my head again. “I’m sorry that I acted like a complete lunatic,” I then apologize, making him send me a sympathetic look.

“Don’t worry about that. Anyone would panic in that situation. It’s a good thing you kept your head clear enough that you called for help,” he assures me, making me nod in response. Yeah. I almost didn’t. And if I didn’t remember there was an emergency button, the whole building would probably hear me screaming.

As I look at him, I suddenly feel even more tired. “It was a shitty day. Otherwise I wouldn’t panic so much,” I begin, sighing in disappointment. Hunter stares at me in surprise, squeezing my head as he tries to comfort me.

“Uh-oh. Was it exhausting? I know it’s a lot of information to take in, but you’ll get used to it soon. Tomorrow will already be better, you’ll see. You won’t have to focus so much on not getting lost,” he tells me, clearly in hopes of making me feel better. But as I look at him again, I shake my head.

“You don’t understand. College was fine. I really like NYU,” I tell him, not knowing whether I should even dwell on the past. But what else am I supposed to do, if it follows me literally to the other side of the continent?

He stares at me in confusion, clearly not understanding what got me so upset. “Okay, then where’s the problem?” he wonders, sounding a little annoyed with the way he has to drag things out of me.

I realize I’m being difficult, so I look into the cup and finally tell him. “I saw Cassie. She’s going to NYU as well,” I explain quietly. When a tense silence follows, I already think he didn’t hear what I said.

However, as I lift my gaze towards him again, I realize he’s even more stunned than I was. In the next moment, he frowns. “I truly hope you’re staying away from her,” he remarks, clearly not satisfied with the fact that she can keep torturing me even here, three thousand miles away from home.

“Of course, I am. But I can’t exactly unsee how she’s already gathering her newest minions,” I grunt angrily, making him sigh. As he pulls me into a hug, I feel like a broken little girl again. The one who didn’t understand why her angelic best friend could be so mean to other kids, when she was so nice to her. Yeah, talking about Cassie.

“Look, whatever happens, just stay away. You don’t need her drama in your life. And if she starts giving you any trouble, show her that you’re not one to be messed around with,” he tries to encourage me.

I nod in response and wrap my arms around him more tightly. Easier said than done. It’s like he’s never even met Cassie in his life. But I guess he has a point. I stood up to her once, I can do it again, can’t I? Minus the hair-tugging part. I really don’t want to be expelled from college on my first week.