Dear Diary, I'm Finding Myself

Followed By The Past

Dear Diary,

Life really is something. For example, today, when I was supposed to be turning a new leaf, that leaf had the same number at the bottom of the page as the previous one. Why is that? Why does the past have to follow me around?

I thought this was supposed to be something mine and mine only! Now I’m stuck with someone I can’t even look at, for the next four years! I mean come on, what did I ever do to deserve this?

I might seem like I’m being overdramatic, but trust me, I’m not.

Going to New York with Hunter, on a day-trip, was fun. Going to New York all by myself, to attend my first day of college, stressful as hell. As I get to the Grand Central Station, I get a little lost. I know that I had to get to the subway, but I have to find the right exit first. As I finally get to the station, I almost miss the metro.

And yeah, I know they drive frequently, especially at this hour of the day, but I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to be late on my first day. I walk as fast as I can, because I have a feeling I’m already missing out on something.

When I get to the main building, I realize that’s not the case. A crowd of students is slowly heading inside, and I decide to just follow them. I guess going after them will get me where I’m supposed to be.

I know that by the looks on everyone’s faces. They look just as lost as I am. That makes me feel a little better about myself. It’s okay. I’m not the only one who’s new to this. By the looks of it, there seems to be at least three hundred other students who are in my shoes at the moment.

I slowly follow the line, looking around the inside the building once I finally step foot into it. I’ve only seen it from the outside, when Hunter and I went looking for it. It’s even more majestic from the inside. I really have a feeling like I’ve stepped into a place where knowledge grows. As much cliché as it sounds.

I’m so excited about being here. I’ve completely forgotten about the aching that I felt when I got that rejection letter from University of Florida. I mean, sure, the weather would be nice, but that’s about it. I’d be completely alone. Here, I have Hunter. And I get to walk the streets of New York every day, I mean, how awesome is that? The little Perrie inside me is squealing right now.

There are so many faces around me, that I get anxious about how I’m going to remember who my new schoolmates are. I won’t exactly be able to meet them all, will I? There’s way too many of us. I just hope I’ll get on with at least one of them. Doing group projects with strangers that dislike me would be awful.

I push the thought away as soon as I get into the reception hall. We’re all being seated by an order. We give our names and we’re directed to the part, where we’re supposed to find our seat. Mine is somewhere towards the end of the left half, and as I get pointed in the right direction, I take a deep breath.

You only have to find your seat, Perrie. I mean, how hard can it be? I realize it as soon as I get to one row, only to realize I’m amongst the J’s. Okay, too far along. As I exit the row, I have to mind the other students, passing me by.

And as I look up from it, I suddenly spot a familiar face. One that I never wanted to see in my life again. I freeze, unable to move as I stare into the eyes of none other than Cassie f*****g Wagner.

She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence, or the fact that we know each other. She simply turns her head to the right side of the hall, trying to find her seat as she strolls away.

I finally get back to my senses as someone behind me asks me to move. I gladly do so. But instead of letting myself run after the harpy and tug at her hair like I did at Prom, I grit my teeth together and start looking for my seat.

I end up sitting in the same row that she’s in, and I have to force myself not to glare at her every few seconds. On the outside, I try to project calmness and expectation. The two feelings that were swirling inside me until the moment I laid my eyes on her stuck-up, bitchy face.

But on the inside, I’m raging. How dare she? How dare she come to the same college that I’m attending, after putting me through hell last year? After trying to ruin literally everything for me? I’m tempted to walk right over to her and scream at her until she tells me what she’s doing here. And why.

The tiny voice of reason inside me is trying to tell me that there’s no way she could’ve known. Because no one apart from Leslie and my family knew about it. No one at school could possibly … Unless … No, there’s no way. By the time I told Mrs. Ramirez that I’m going to NYU, the application deadlines were already closed.

Or maybe she applied in the second round. Would she really do that? I take one glance at her and answer the question immediately. Yes. She would. She’s already shown that she’s willing to pay people to ruin my life. There’s nothing that could prevent her from trying to do it herself.

I force myself to focus on the professors that are describing how our first day is going to look like, handing out our emails and passwords for accessing everything school related. They’re showing us where to access our schedule on the website.

I write things down, and decide not to turn my head to the right side of the hall again. She’s not worth it, I tell myself. Because I know that’s exactly what Hunter’s going to say as soon as I tell him about her.

They sort us into groups and lead us around the campus, showing us around, so we won’t get lost. Luckily, Cassie is not in the same group as I’m in, so I’m able to forget about her for the time being. Still, her presence seems to be rooted inside my chest, restricting its movement to the point where I feel like I have difficulties breathing.

Perrie, stop panicking. She can’t harm you here. She has nothing on you. She doesn’t even know where you live or the fact that you’re living with Hunter. Chill. Out. Forget about her.

My silent mantra starts working after a few moments and I get sucked back into the tour of the campus grounds. As I pass the dorms, I feel a little bad about not being able to experience that part of college, but it’s all good. Maybe I’ll live here in my last year, when Hunter’s already finished with school.

We end our first day at NYU with the first lesson. I manage to follow along quite well and I’m really proud of myself for it. If that’s how every class is going to look like, I’ll get the hang of this college thing soon enough.

I mostly stick to myself, even during the main break. I don’t know anyone and I’m too shy to just openly approach someone. I always wait for someone to start talking to me. That’s how I’ve started hanging out with Leslie as well.

I can’t help but notice that Cassie’s already gathered a crowd around her. They’re admiring her like she’s the Starry Night, hanging on display at the Museum of Modern Art. Ugh, I hate her! Why does everyone fall for that doe-eyed façade?!

My face sours and it doesn’t get any better as I sit down in a remote corner, turning myself away from her face. I can’t stare at it anymore. It’s making me lose it! Suddenly, I get pulled back into reality as someone puts their tray down opposite me and takes a seat.

As I look up in surprise, I come face to face with a bronze-skinned girl, with raven black hair and even darker eyes. When she smiles at me, I notice tiny dimples forming by the corner of her lips and her defined cheekbones stand out even more. “Hi. Sorry if I’m intruding, but I had to get away from the Elle Woods wannabe,” she greets me.

I stare at her for a moment, before I realize she’s talking about Cassie. I can’t help but chuckle at the comparison. She is wearing a hot pink sweater today. If I wasn’t so mad at the fact that she’s here, I’d probably come up with a similar conclusion. “Hi. No, not at all. I understand you way more than you might be imagining,” I remark in response.

“Ooh. Do tell,” she encourages me, before putting a sweet potato French fry into her mouth. Then, she freezes like she was caught doing something bad. “Oh. I’m being totally rude, you don’t even know my name and I’m already digging your drama. I’m Indira,” she then adds, seeming a little ashamed.

But I don’t mind her so-called bad manners. She makes me smile and I shake my head. “No worries. I’m Perrie … And the wannabe Woods is actually my childhood best friend turned nemesis,” I explain shortly.

She blinks, glancing towards Cassie for a few moments, like she’s trying to rate whether she’s capable of betrayal or not. I can barely hold back a chuckle at thought of that. Gosh, it’s only my first day and I’m already back in the same old patterns. I don’t want that here.

As Indira turns back towards me, she gives me a serious nod. “Totally see her for who she is. I have the third eye. Well, at least that’s what I’m told,” she remarks, making me raise my eyebrows. I’m not sure what to say to that. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to test it out on you. And you don’t have to tell me the whole story. I know enough,” she assures me.

I smile at her quirkiness, realizing that she reminds me of Leslie. She seems to be just as talkative as my best friend is. “Thanks. I really appreciate that,” I tell her, offering her a polite smile. She smiles back and returns to her sweet potato fries.